Claire: [aside to camera] I know Phil and I are gonna grow old together some day. But today is not that day.

Gloria: When is our reservation?
Jay: Here's the thing.
Gloria: Ay, no. Not "the thing." I hate "the thing."

Jay: [aside to camera] What kind of idiot messes up two Valentine's in a row? Not this idiot. Two months ago I booked a private chef, musicians, the works for a romantic dinner at home. I just had to get the senorita out of the house while they set up.

Jay: This is 50 bucks. Do not give us a table.
Maitre 'd: What's the money for?
Jay: You also must refuse my wife. She's very persuasive.

Haley: I've hit a new low.
Manny: You can talk to me.
Haley: And I'm lower.

Phil: Just pickin' up some things. I am not here. Name tags. Name tags. Name tags. Come on! Bingo.

Haley: I know what to do. Dylan's been texting me again. I bet if David knew that, he'd come running right over here.
Manny: Wait. Before you start playing these games let me ask you one simple question. Who is Haley Dunphy? [moves closer to Haley]

Manny: Don't do it, Haley!
Haley: Stop following me.
Manny: Let me just say my piece!
Haley: No!
Manny: Look. You can be the Haley who defines herself as David's girlfriend or Dylan's girlfriend. Or you can be your own Haley. Maybe you haven't met her, but I know her. She's an amazing person. So when you're ready, I'd like to introduce you.

Broderick: Cameron! Is there something I can do you for?
Cameron: No. I just came by to pick up my man. I'm taking him to lbiza tonight.
Broderick: Oh, I've heard good things about lbiza. But I'm afraid he may have to meet you there. He's in the middle of a meeting.
Cameron: On Valentine's night?
Broderick: I didn't realize when I scheduled it. It's my fault.
Cameron: Gasp. I'm shocked.
Broderick: I could drop him off at the restaurant as soon as they wrap it up.
Cameron: Oh. Aren't you a dear. I'd like to mount your head in my trophy room.

Broderick: This is you? Oh! Did I validate you?
Cameron: Oh, yes.