Phil: Appletini?
Claire: It was. You're looking handsome as ever, Clive.
Phil: As are you, Juliana. You look hot enough to cook a pizza on... in.
Claire: I see the speaker business is treating you well.
Phil: I don't like to talk about money.
Claire: Oh.
Phil: But I have exactly $10 million.
Claire: Hmm.
Phil: Minus the cost of your next drink. T- Two. Just two appletinis, please. Thank you so much.

Gloria: Jay, relax.
Jay: I'm sorry. The place is a dump.
Gloria: It's beautiful.
Jay: Nothing good on the menu. You see the hands on our waiter? Looks like he's been birthing hogs.

Claire: [on the phone] Hello, Clive. How close are you?
Phil: I am right outside your door.
Claire: Oh! Are you ready?
Phil: Oh, I'm ready.
Claire: I don't think you are, 'cause I can still hear your pants.
Phil: Well, maybe I should just shut them up.
Claire: I'll be out in a minute.
Phil: So will I.

Claire: [on the phone] Um, I give up. Where are you?
Phil: I'm right here on the bed.
Claire: Phil, what room are you in?
Phil: Who's this "Phil"?
Claire: Seriously, what room are you in?
Phil: I'm in 702.
Claire: I'm in 226.
Phil: What? Well, whose room is this then?
Woman: [enters, gasps]
Phil: There's been a tiny mistake. [champagne bottle pops]

Mitchell: As long as we can agree he does not have a crush on me.
Cameron: Absolutely.
Mitchell: So, to us.
Cameron: To us. He does not have a crush on you.
Mitchell: No.
Cameron: Nope.
Mitchell: Why do I feel like you're hinting at something?
Cameron: Mitchell, we have talked long enough about Broderick's crush. Which he does not have. On you.
Mitchell: Oh, my God. What?
Cameron: Okay, fine. Since you won't let it go, your assistant is hot for me. That's why he's been playing the saboteur.
Mitchell: And you're sure it's not because he wants me?
Cameron: You just said he didn't.
Mitchell: I was protecting your feelings.
Cameron: He hugged me in the elevator.
Mitchell: Well, pick out china and move to Vermont.

Mitchell: We are not going over there. And we're not calling him. Cam. Who cares which one of us he has a crush on? The important thing is, I have a crush on you. And I wouldn't blame Broderick if he did too.
Cameron: Oh. That's so sweet. l I wouldn't blame him if he had a crush on you either.
Mitchell: Aw. Good.
Cameron: "Good" what?
Mitchell: Just "good."
Cameron: "Good," meaning we're done with this or "Good," meaning you still think he has a crush on you?
Mitchell: Oh, Cam! The second one.
Cameron: I'm getting the car.

Jay: Would you please just come in the house?
Gloria: You had the whole year to plan, but you don't make an effort. I am the second wife, Jay. Why do you treat me like I'm the first?
Jay: Talk about it inside. Where are you going?
Gloria: I'm gonna take a ride. I need to cool down.
Jay: Just come in the house. I promise you'll feel better.
Gloria: I don't want to go in there.
Jay: You're gonna like it better inside.
Gloria: Don't hold me back!
Jay: I'm sorry about this, honey. I'm sorry.
Gloria: Jay, what are you doing? Are you crazy? Ay! Se me va a romper la media, oye!

Mitchell: Oh, it's a text from Broderick.
Cameron: Read it.
Mitchell: "Mitchell, by now I'm sure Cameron has told you what happened in the elevator."
Cameron: Mm-hmm.
Mitchell: "While I meant every word I said, I realize how unprofessional I was. Please accept my resignation. What you have with Cam is very special and I would never forgive myself if I came between you. Treasure each other. Sincerely, Broderick."
Cameron: Wow.
Mitchell: Oh, Cam. What are we doing here?
Cameron: I don't know. Maybe if some assistant's crush is so important to us it means we should appreciate each other a little bit more.
Mitchell: Well, I can't think of a better time to start.

Mitchell: And the great thing about that text is we don't have to know which one of us he wanted.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I know.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: I know.
[back:]
Cameron: I know.

Claire: I am not going back to that hotel tonight, and I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to.
Phil: Don't need to. Phil and Claire have a bedroom which they can turn into a hotel whenever they want.
Claire: But the kids.
Phil: They're not expecting us home this early. So you up for a little adventure Claire?
Claire: Do you think you can handle it Phil?