Broderick: Cam! Wait. Have I upset you in any way?
Cameron: Oh, please. Let's not play this game. We both know what's going on.
Broderick: Have I been that obvious?
Cameron: Uh, the flowers that don't get delivered. The Valentine's Day plans that get interrupted. Do I really need to spell it out for you? Me, Mitchell, wedge.
Broderick: Don't hate me. [hugging Cameron] It's just so hard to see someone else have something you want and can't have.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Does Broderick have a crush? Yes. On someone he frequently sees at the office? Yes. Does that man have red hair and a beard? No. But his boyfriend does. It's me. The crush is on me.

Claire: Why do I get the feeling you're not really a salesman?
Phil: Oh. Pretty and smart. Or should I say "pretty smart"?
Claire: Mmm.
Phil: I might do some high-risk work for Uncle Sam that takes me clear around the country.
Claire: Hmm. So you could say you're a national man of mystery.
Phil: Shh. Never did catch what you do.
Claire: Didn't you?
Phil: Surprising, I know. I'm usually pretty good at catching things from women in bars.

[aside to camera:]
Jay: Five-course dinner waiting at home, and she's strapping on the feed bag at lbiza. But then an angel from heaven saved the night.
[at the restaurant:]
Cameron: You took our reservation. "Pritchett for two" is us. Come on. Let's go. Move your bottom. Come on, come on!
[back:]
Jay: A big gay angel.

Cameron: He said it kills him to see someone else have something he wants.
Mitchell: Yes, yes. You're the someone, and I'm the something.
Cameron: Okay. All right. Call him.
Mitchell: Call him?
Cameron: Call him.
Mitchell: Why don't we go to his house stand on opposite sides of the room and see which one he runs to?
Cameron: You get the check. I'll get the car.

Dylan: [singing, o.s.] I'm the bread without your butter
Haley: Do you hear music?
Manny: Yes. And the fact that you hear it too-
Haley: Is that Dylan? Oh, my God.
Dylan: [singing] Who could make me feel this fine So here's my broken valentine lmagine me naked I imagine you nude
Claire: Am I a bad enough parent to ignore that?
Phil: You are. You're really bad.
Dylan: Without my best friend.

Claire: So, honey, lbiza can only take us at 6:30 tonight.
Phil: Great. I will meet you at lbiza.
Alex: It's pronounced "lbitha," not lbiza.
Phil: Oh! Thanks, honey. That reminds me. This weekend I want to see that baby panda at the thoo. [laughs]
Alex: Yeah. I'm the idiot.

Cameron: [on the phone] So?
Mitchell: So?
Cameron: Well?
Mitchell: Huh?
Cameron: So? -
Mitchell: What's happening?
Cameron: Flowers.
Mitchell: Is someone pointing a gun at you?

Cameron: [on the phone] For goodness' sake. Did you get the flowers Lily and I sent you?
Mitchell: Aw, that's so sweet. No. No, I didn't get anything.
Cameron: Really. Did you check with that assistant of yours?
Mitchell: Broderick? Uh, did you get any flowers today?
Broderick: No. Sadly, I'm without a valentine this year.
Cameron: [loudly over phone] No. For Mitchell. The flowers are for Mitchell!
Broderick: Oh, that's right. Oops.

Cameron: [aside to camera] Mitchell's assistant has a huge crush on him.
Mitchell: He does not!
Cameron: I think the only prudent thing to do is say, [as Trump] "You're fired."
Mitchell: Don't be jealous. He just looks up to me.
Cameron: The thing about Mitchell is he can be naive. He is completely unaware of how absolutely adorable he is.
Mitchell: Okay. Well, thank you, but I am aware when someone has a crush on me and he does not have a crush on me. [mouthing "He has a crush on me."]

Elderly Gentleman: It's my first day in one of these things.
Phil: Hey, let me help you out. How 'bout I park it over there for you, okay?
Elderly Gentleman: Thank you.
Phil: Here's your valet ticket. I'm kidding actually. That's my valet ticket.