Cameron: [baby talk] Hi, little baby Calhoun. It's your uncle Cam. Your real uncle, not that guy Mitchell, who's just somebody I met at a party. You and I are gonna be the best friends in the whole wide... [baby cries and fusses]

Pam: I was about to wig out worse than Princess Margaret when her boyfriend was banished by Elizabeth.
Mitchell: Oh, yep.
Cameron: You watched "The Crown" without me?!

Cameron: I can't believe you.
Mitchell: We're only on episode four and there are literally no spoilers.
Cameron: I'm talking about you and your weird, new, little family. You have turned that baby against me. What did you say to him?
Mitchell: Cam, only you could turn this into something negative. There's nothing wrong with your sister and I becoming closer. We have a very special relationship. Kind of like the one the queen had with her private secretary.
Cameron: You son of a bitch!
Mitchell: It's history.

Cameron: Oh. Hey, there you are. Listen, it was wrong of me to say something weird was going on between you and Pameron. I don't know what I was thinking. Clearly, you guys have a perfectly normal sister-and-gay-brother in-law relationship.
Mitchell: You saw it on the baby monitor, didn't you?
Cameron: It was even creepier in night vision.
Mitchell: I don't know what happened. Y-You both have the same lips and... and you kiss the same and...
Cameron: We did learn to kiss on the same hedge post.

Pam: Mitchell, could I speak to you in private, please?
Cameron: Why? Do you want to do some more neckin'?
Pam: You were bragging on it?
Mitchell: He saw it on the baby monitor.
Pam: And you were watching, you horny toad?

Manny: I can't believe she's falling for this. I've believed in this cause my whole life. You spend an afternoon faking it and she kisses you almost on the lips.
Luke: I'm not faking anything. She got through to me.
Danielle Pardo: [over megaphone] Women and girls and the men who honor us...
Luke: It's a crime what women in this country have to go through, and I'm with her 100%.
Danielle Pardo: We will never accomplish anything without sacrifice.
Luke: Damn straight! [to Manny] I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen, but Danielle and I made a connection and I'm sticking with her as long as it takes.
Danielle Pardo: That's why, until women have true equality, I will remain celibate.
Luke: Let's get out of here.

Joey: Well, cars are in my blood. You know, my grandmother ran her own garage.
Alex: That's so awesome. There must have been a lot of prejudice back then.
Joey: There was but eventually she started fixing Irish people's cars.

Claire: Thank you so much. Is there any way we could pay you for your time?
Joey: No, no, absolutely not. I'm happy to help. But let me just reset your tire-pressure monitor so that thing doesn't beep at you all day.
Claire: Yes, please. Go right ahead.
Alex: See that, Lily? We didn't need a man to help us get out of this. This is what happens when women help other women.
[Joey drives off in Gloria's car]
Haley: She's probably just making sure it works, right?
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: So that bitch stole my car.
Claire: On a positive note, it is nice to see a woman break into a previously male-dominated field.
Gloria: My makeup was not insured.

Luke: What's going on?
Claire: Oh, your father and I have been arguing about something for over an hour.
Phil: Fortunately, I've made a special coin with my face on one side and your mom's on the other.
Alex: Ugh, Susan B. Unflattering.

Phil: It came up Claire.
Claire: Yep! Getting cremated!
Phil: Damn it! Okay, here's another one: my head, we use our nest egg for a beach condo. Yours, the kids' safety net.
Luke: Hey, not cool.
Claire: Aw.
Phil: Aw. I'm so sorry, you guys.
Claire: Aw, you can come visit.
Phil: You know, if you can afford it.