Joan: I don't think it should be, "I hope there's a place to park near where I love to have lunch." I think it should be, "I hope there's a place to have lunch near where I love to park." [chuckling] Huh?
[cut to:]
Phil: So, Tibor, tell us why you're excited about a career in parking.
Tibor: Is good.
[back:]
Joan: That's a tough one. My top three... [exhales sharply] Destiny's Child...
Phil: Oh.
Joan: Janet Jackson.
Phil: Yes.
Joan: And my fave Metallica.
Phil: Oh, my goodness, you are so complex.
[back:]
Phil: Tibor, what are your favorite kinds of music?
Tibor: Tibor. Is good?

Phil: Well, I think the choice is clear. Joan.
Jay: Tibor.
Phil: Tibor?
Jay: I like his energy. He doesn't have any.
Phil: Well, I like Joan. She's fun.
Jay: Take her to the movies. This is a business.

Claire: This is a really exciting time for you, Lily. This is your first taste of feminism. We're all here as your mentors... or "womentors". Hmm? Come on, I just coined that.
Haley: We fake-laughed at "sheroic." The well is dry.

Gloria: This stupid traffic!
Alex: Look at all these women in these cars, Lily. It's so inspiring. All for one! One for all...
Gloria: I am gonna cut around these idiots! [tires screech]
Haley: What was that?
Gloria: Somebody shot out the tire!
Claire: Really? That's where you go with this? It was a pothole.

Jay: [on the car phone] Phil! Phil! We have a problem.
Phil: Aw, "we"?
Jay: I'm trying to get to that bakery that makes those bear claws. That chatterbox you and your coin hired is clogging up our parking lot. [tires squeal] Oh, great. There goes eight bucks.
Phil: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Is this an official partners' meeting? Hold on. [clears throat]Good morning and welcome. Partners present: Phil Dunphy...
Jay: Put down your stupid notebook. You're the one who wanted to hire her. You've got to tell her to speed it up or hit the road.
Phil: I want you to know that I hear you and will address this post-haste. Now, if we could move on to some unfinished business from the last meeting. Um... "My feelings are still hurt from you telling me all the places you want me to put the coin."
Jay: Ah, it's after ten o'clock,too late to eat a bear claw now, I'll be too sugared up for my nap. Everything's ruined.

Joan: There he is.
Phil: Hey, Joan. How's everything down here today?
Joan: Putting cars in spaces and smiles on faces. Well, except for yours. What's wrong?
Phil: Oh, no, I'm good. Yeah, definitely good.
Joan: Phil, if there's two things I know, it's people and parking. And you look like you trying to get out of a tough spot.
Phil: You see right through me.

Claire: Hey, guys, why don't we just call roadside assistance? I'm sure they'll send somebody.
Lily: If today is all about girl power, why can't we just fix it ourselves?
Haley: I knew we shouldn't have brought her.

Claire: Gloria, I can't believe you don't know how to change a tire. You drove a taxi. Surely you had a flat.
Gloria: I had a lot of flats, but I would reapply my makeup and I would wait and then, in five minutes, I would have my own pit crew.

Joan: I read your script, baby. If you got third-act problems, you got first-act problems.
Man: You are so right.
Joan: Park it next to the Honda and flesh out your antagonist.
Jay: Hey.
Joan: Hey, Jay. How's Gloria, Manny, Joe, and Stella?
Jay: What, do you got index cards? Listen, your chattiness is gumming up the works here. You're not here to socialize, so just get 'em in, get 'em out.

Driver: Hey. Where do I park?
Jay: Between two lines.