Andy: Found another one. I told you.
Haley: Are you gonna do that every time? You found glass, not the lost city of Atlanta.
Andy: Wow, I'm gonna chalk that one up to a lot of underage drinking.

Claire: Keep your eyes closed, and before you open them, remember that for 20 years, you have given me perfect, creative, thoughtful gifts. And every year, I have let you down. You're about to feel really bad, and I know that, because it's how I have felt every year. But, honey, it is not my intention, because I love you. Happy anniversary.
Phil: Oh, my God. Chinese acrobats?! Twenty years, China, you're brilliant!

Andy: I hate to go all ballistic, but it has not been a pleasure meeting you.
Haley: Do you kiss your imaginary girlfriend with that mouth?
Andy: I do, but she's real. So, she's a real girl.

Haley: [loudly] I sure hope Mom and dad are surprised by this anniversary breakfast we're bringing them!
Luke: I hate to walk in if they are naked.
Alex: Yes, that kind of image could haunt someone if she tries to sleep even years later.
Claire: Oh, relax. I think you're safe.
Phil: [clipping his toenails] Or are they?

Phil: [singing] She's a pretty sight Wise as a buddha But, brother, watch that bite 'cause she's a Claire-Acuda.
Cameron: Or maybe an existing song.
Lily: Thank you.

Cameron: Run, run! Protect it like it's your baby! You dropped your baby! You dropped your baby! They're running away with your baby! Go get your baby! That's the worst call since they cast Russell Crowe in "Les Mis," right there!

Haley: Oh, my God! You scared the hell out of me!
Andy: Okay, language. There's a baby in the house.
Haley: Uh, that baby happens to be my uncle.
Andy: Oh, which one are you? I need to tell Mr. P you broke one of his beers.
Haley: I'm Alex. Who are you?
Andy: I'm their Manny.
Haley: Nice try. I know their Manny, and you look nothing like him.
Andy: Oh, you're Haley. I'm their male nanny, Andy.

Andy: I'm gonna call Mr. and Mrs. P.
Haley: Oh, wait! [flicks back hair] Um, seriously, Mandy, do you, uh do you really have to do that?
Andy: [chuckles] I see what you're doing. Don't bother, because I have a girlfriend of eight years back in Utah.
Haley: That's pretty young, but I guess they do things differently over there.
Andy: She's my age, and we're engaged to be engaged. It's- It's a pre-engagement. She's in the Coast Guard.
Haley: In Utah?
Andy: Yeah. It's the largest salt lake in the western hemisphere.
Haley: Oh, good. She's protecting our lake. I'll be out by the pool. [Joe cries] Your boss is calling you.

Claire: Honey, um, what do you say we pack it in and go home?
Phil: What? No. I mean, we just got here. I haven't even whacked a mole yet.
Claire: I know, but I just got off the Ferris wheel, and I'm feeling really queasy.
Phil: But you're gonna miss the Dad Beats. No way. Come on. Let's get you a fried pickle!
Claire: Phil, I might throw up.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Nuh-uh. No one throws up until I sing.

Haley: Oh, my God! What are you doing, perv?!
Andy: Getting proof of where the two missing beers went. You can't drink that out here.
Haley: Hmm. Let's see if you're right. Mm, no.
Andy: Okay, well, you're in a pool zone, and that is glass, so that's not safe. It's dangerous.
Haley: What is with you and your girlfriend protecting water?