Lois: Oh, look how nice this is. And it's such a beautiful day.
Malcolm: [sighs]
Lois: You have to stop making that noise.
Malcolm: Fine, Mom, I won't breathe.
Hal: You know, son, I hate to see you like this. I tell you what. Why don't we get you a wax crocodile?

Reese: [to a white goat] Do you want this? [eats goat food] Too slow. [grimaces]
[A black goat nudges Reese]
Reese: Hey, watch where you're going.
[After Reese shoves the goat away, it comes back to nudge him again. When Reese pushes the goat away more forcefully, it comes charging at him and knocks him to the ground.]
Reese: Big mistake, pal! You want to go? We'll go.
Zoo Keeper: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?
Reese: He started it.
Zoo Keeper: Goats don't start it. Get out.
Reese: Guess what I get to do. Leave.

Reese: Go away! Get out of here! I'm warning you. I'm not falling for your goat mind games.
[When Reese throws a soda can, the goat catches it in its mouth and chews it up. Reese screams and runs away as the goat chases him.]

Dewey: Tigers! Where are they? They're not here. What a gyp!
Malcolm: See, that's what I mean. The one thing you were excited about, closed.
Dewey: [climbs onto fence] Maybe they're down here.
Malcolm: Or maybe there never were any tigers and they just put up the signs to build a sense of disappointment.

Malcolm: Don't move, don't move, don't move-
Dewey: You've been saying that for 20 minutes.
Malcolm: I still mean it.
Dewey: Do you think he's mad?
Malcolm: I don't know. I don't think it matters. Just stay quiet and try not to look like meat.

Malcolm: [to camera] Twenty minutes ago, I was worried about which one of us was going to be eaten by a tiger. Now I can relax.
Pete: Okay, kids, the tigers didn't go for the steaks we threw down. The problem is they're attracted to you because you're alive, like their natural prey.
Malcolm: There's a "but" coming, right?
Pete: Well, no. But we have things under control. We're going to fire tranquilizer darts at the tigers.
Malcolm: How long do they take to work?
Pete: Less than two minutes.
Malcolm: So, the plan is to piss them off and keep them awake just long enough so they can take it out on us?
Pete: Hold on a sec.

Lois: Hal, what are you doing here? You should be lying down.
Hal: Yes, I should, but then I had a conversation with Matt who informed me that there was another guy you were dating while you were dating us.
Lois: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Hal. Hal, I'm sorry. I- I meant to tell you. I- I should have told you. I just I could never find the right time, and I was never that serious about Larry anyway.
Hal: Who the hell is Larry? I'm talking about Dennis!
Lois: Dennis, right, that's who I meant.
Hal: Oh, my God, who are you?
Lois: Hal, please can we discuss this tonight?
Hal: Well, I don't know, Lois. Maybe you have a date.
Lois: Okay, in the first place, this was all over 20 years ago. And second, it doesn't matter because I love you. And third, you were the one dating that slut manicurist!

Zeke: All right, look, I might as well tell you now, 'cause you're going to find out in about 30 seconds anyway. I'm not a real cowboy. My name isn't even Zeke, it's Murray, and I have no idea what in the hell I'm doing around here.
Francis: You have no idea? I've never worked on a ranch in my life.
Zeke: Really?
Francis: Yeah. I've never even been near a horse you don't put quarters in.
Zeke: Oh, that's great. Listen, you know, you stepped into a gold mine here. I mean, the people who run this place are absolute idiots.
Francis: Oh, I don't know. They seem really nice.
Zeke: "Nice" isn't the word for it. I mean, you don't have to do a lick of work and they'll still pay you.
Francis: You're kidding?
Zeke: I'm telling you, all we got to do is watch each other's backs and we can milk these people for all they're worth. What do you think?
Francis: I think you're fired. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to find out if this is for me or the horse.

Man: [over radio] Hey, Randy, it's Bill. Are those two kids still trapped in the tiger den? [crowd gasps]
Randy: Okay, everybody, calm down. Calm down. I'm obviously just picking up a transmission From the zoo down the road.
Hal: Reese and Malcolm?
Lois: Malcolm and Dewey. Reese wouldn't last 30 seconds.

Dewey: I think Stanley's getting angry.
Malcolm: You named them?
Dewey: That's Stanley. That's French Fry.