Lois: [o.s.] Malcolm! Reese! No playing ball in the house!
Lois: [o.s.] No playing ball on the house!
Lois: [o.s.] No playing ball through the house!
Reese: This isn't even fun.
Malcolm: That stopped being the point a long time ago.

Lois: This is going to be so much fun. I'm so glad I ran into Matt.
Hal: Yeah, that was quite a lucky break. Good old, good old Matt.
Lois: It has been 20 years since I was dating the both of you. I can't believe you're still jealous.
Hal: I am not jealous. I'm not even the jealous type.
[flashback to Hal escorting a workman out of the house:]
Man: I was just trying to read the meter!
Hal: Not in those shorts, Tarzan!
[flashback to Hal and Lois emerging from the movie theater:]
Hal: Well, why don't you just marry Tom Cruise?!
[flashback to Lois nursing a baby:]
Hal: Okay, that's enough. Break it up.

Hal: [on the phone] Francis, how's it going?
Francis: Couldn't be going better, Dad. We're seeing the country, meeting great people. This is the best time of our lives.
Hal: Well... I guess your mom and I were really wrong about your cross-country plan. We thought it would be a disaster.
Francis: I'm not going to rub your face in it, Dad. We're having too much fun! No, thanks, Joe, I couldn't take another bite of pie. This trip has been so good for us. We have seen so many things. Majestic mountains, quiet little towns, emergency opportunities for charitable giving...
Hal: That's great. It sounds like you are really making it out there.
Francis: Yeah, so, about these charitable-
Hal: Listen, we're on our way to the zoo right now, but you call us back next week, okay? Love to Piama.

Dewey: Can we see the tigers?
Reese: I'm going to go hit the monkeys. I mean, go see the monkeys.

Malcolm: Can I just go wait in the car? I mean, it's technically at the zoo.
Lois: No. And since you're so committed to being miserable, you're going to be in charge of your little brother for the day.
Malcolm: No.
Dewey: Great. Let's look at every animal first, then decide which ones we want to go back to.
Lois: Meet back here at 5:00!

Francis: If we push the car till we find a mechanic, we can pay with aluminum cans.
Piama: Francis, we've been pushing the car for two days. I'm tired and I'm hungry. I'm going to buy something to eat.
Francis: No, no, no! Get lottery tickets. This is exactly the kind of time when these things pay off.
Piama: Honey, we're not spending our last five dollars on lottery tickets. That's crazy. Now I'm going in there and I'm buying food. Food. Like adults eat.

Francis: No wonder you were $3,000 under blue book.
Otto: Cadillac?
Francis: Yeah.
Otto: 1974?
Francis: If you say so.
Otto: She is a beauty! I love your American cars. BMW could learn a thing or two but no, everything has to be about perfect engineering.
Gretchen: Otto, what are you doing? Who is this handsome boy?
Francis: Hi, I'm Francis.
Otto: I am talking cars with my new American friend. And yes, he is very handsome.

Otto: We need a ranch foreman.
Francis: Wait. I don't know the first thing about ranching.
Otto: Ah, you will learn. I can tell you are clever.
Francis: Really, I've never-
Otto: Look me in the eye. Yeah, I can tell. It is the job for you. Pays $200 a week plus free room and board. Done.
Francis: I have one question.
Gretchen: Yeah?
Francis: This isn't going to end up with me cut up into little pieces and buried in a secret basement, is it?
Otto: Nope.
Francis: You got a deal.

Otto: And here is where we put the houses for the horses. And here will be your office. You have pens in one drawer and paper in the other. First, I put them in the same drawer together, but no, that did not work. But if you want to try it that way, you're the boss, huh? [chuckles]

Malcolm: Dewey, I want to tell you something. I love you.
Dewey: Don't say that!
Malcolm: It's true. I love you so much.
Dewey: You're just saying that 'cause you think we're going to die. This is all part of your hating life thing.
Malcolm: You're wrong. I love life. I realize that now. It's imperfect, but I love that, too. And I love Mom and Dad and Francis... and even Reese. I love you all.
Dewey: Stop it. We're going to be fine.
Malcolm: Why don't you stop it, Dewey? Why don't you stop pretending everything's great and tell me you love me, okay?
Dewey: We're not going to die!
Malcolm: Yes, we are! We're going to die! This is the ultimate proof that I was right all along! And I don't need some stupid little kid giving me fake reassurances!
Dewey: Well, I don't need some crybaby brother taking all the fun out of being at the zoo!