Reese: Thanks a lot for sticking us with that stupid show.
Jessica: I didn't do it for me, I did it for your brother.
Reese: Malcolm's gay? I knew it!

Lois: Okay, I have a little announcement to make. You know how last year, with the conspiracy trial and your father and me losing our jobs, we ended up $20,000 in debt.
Malcolm: Yeah?
Lois: Well, after six months of scrimping and saving and going up to $28,000 in debt, we are now down to $26,000 in debt!
Hal: Look out world, we're back!

Hal: Well, you know that jerk across the street who's always got it in for me?
Dewey: Parking jerk or lawn mower jerk?
Hal: Huh? No, Christmas jerk! Bill Rendall. Every year that guy waits to see what decorations I put out and then finds a way to top me. I string lights, he strings better lights. I put out Frosty, he puts out an elf village. I put out Dracula, he does nothing and I look like a jackass! I mean, what kind of sick mind uses a religious holiday as a weapon?
Dewey: Wait. Which one is call-the-cops jerk?
Hal: That's like four of them. Anyway, I decided to let Rendall have his precious little Christmas victory if it's so damned important to him.
Dewey: Okay.
Hal: I'm doing Pearl Harbor Day instead.
Dewey: What?
Hal: Pearl Harbor Day. December 7, 1941. The opening shot of the Second World War. I am going to build a spectacular tribute to those courageous soldiers. It's going to be beautiful and dignified and uplifting and it's gonna be all mine. Want to help?
Dewey: Yeah. It sounds fun. Are you really gonna put up a formation of flying zombies?
Hal: Nah. I just drew them' cause it looked cool.

Malcolm: We've lost Dewey. It's the only possible explanation. He's turned on us, and he's feeding Mom information.
Reese: This is bad. Real bad.
Malcolm: I know. What does he have on you?
Reese: Oh, man, I have all kinds of things going on he might know about. I have my lost-dog scam, the rat-baby farm, the electrified mailbox I'm noodling with...

Lois: Good night, honey. I made you a turkey and cream cheese sandwich for school tomorrow. [closes door]
Malcolm: What are you trying to do?
Reese: Mom hasn't made you do any of the crap she's made us do. Why is she being so nice to you?
Dewey: Because, for the last three days, I haven't done anything wrong. You see, Mom doesn't yell and scream at us because it's the only way she knows how to talk. She does it because we do stuff that's bad. And, if you don't do anything, she doesn't get mad at you. You understand? It's not her. It's us.
Malcolm: Fine. Don't tell us.

Hal: [on the phone] Yes, he does have a better head of hair... No, I have no idea what he would like as a "welcome to the firm" gift. Okay. Good-bye. [hangs up]
Lois: Oh... Don't worry about it.
Hal: There's got to be something I can get a job at. There's got to be a big turnover in test pilots. Or advertising. I could do advertising!
Lois: Hal, you have no experience in advertising.
Hal: I'm a natural. Little jingles are constantly popping into my head. [sings] Oh, wham, bam, thank you, jam Who's gonna love it? Your family am! [sings] Banana skin It's so nice and thin There's no better way to keep your banana in.
Lois: Hal...
Hal: [sings] Newspaper, keeping track Of your neighborhood raper...

Lois: Give one of them special privileges for no reason.
Sgt. Hendrix: How does that work?
Lois: It's really pretty neat. The others don't know why he got special privileges so they start doing everything right just to catch up. Then the one you singled out starts getting suspicious and paranoid and he starts informing on the stragglers.
Sgt. Hendrix: That sounds pretty good. You mind if I steal that one?
Lois: Yeah, be my guest. You know another good one? Let them pick punishments for each other. It exercises their creativity and keeps them from ganging up on you.
Sgt. Hendrix: Nice.
Lois: You can also take their breakfast, lunch and dinner, put it the blender and grind it up into a gray paste. Eventually, they eat it. That's kind of fun.
Sgt. Hendrix: You are an artist.
Lois: No, I'm just a talented amateur.
Sgt. Hendrix: I wish I could help you. I wish I could just open this drawer up and show you the information you need. But I can't. It's got me so frustrated that I just want to stare intently out this window for, oh, say... 120 seconds.

Dennis: The prosecution maintains that you handed the board of directors a set of cooked books on August 9.
Hal: Yes, that's when I went to Bavaria Land.
Dennis: And when you were supposed to be hiding money offshore on December 6?
Hal: I went to The Nutcracker. Pretty good for a community college production.
Dennis: February 21.
Hal: My driver's license from Grand Prix Go-Carts.
Dennis: June 27.
Hal: Pilgrim Village.
Dennis: July 11.
Hal: There was a ghost in my car. Right in my car.
Dennis: And finally, August 22.
Hal: Well, I was chosen to be a junior trainer at Oceanland. He did all the work. I just stood there.

Dennis: Now then, Hal, we've heard a lot of testimony from people about what you've done at this company. Why don't you tell us in your own words what kind of an employee you were.
Hal: Marginal. At best.
Dennis: Would you care to elaborate?
Hal: When you work for a big, impersonal corporation like this... You know those nature shows where a wasp paralyzes a caterpillar, then injects it full of larvae? It stays alive for weeks, completely aware, feeling every little bite as the larvae devour it from the inside. I sat in a cubicle every day envying that caterpillar 'cause at least he got to be on TV. I hated that job. I was a crappy employee.
Dennis: And yet countless eyewitnesses paint you as a man at the center of an ingenious conspiracy. [Jamie fusses as Lois nurses one of her plastic piggies] Time and time again you were placed at a crucial event. Do you have any way of refuting these claims?
Hal: Well, I didn't. Who could remember what they were doing on January 25, 2002 or March 14, 2003? But my son figured something out. Stand up, Malcolm. I know he looks normal, but my son is a freaky genius with numbers. I'm telling you, his head should be the size of a medicine ball. You give him any day of any year, and he can tell you what day of the week it is.
Dennis: And what does that have to do with anything?
Hal: Well, he figured out that every date on the board is a Friday. Every one. You can check the calendar.
Dennis: I'm sorry, I don't understand why that would be so important.
Hal: I haven't shown up for work on a Friday in 15 years.
Dennis: He didn't show up on Fridays for 15 years!
Hal: [whispers to the judge] That isn't going to be on the record, is it?

Francis: Malcolm, we have to talk. We've been avoiding this, but it's time to face the facts. We need you to forge Dad's signature on this document declaring Mom mentally incompetent. That way, when Dad goes to jail, you can get emancipated and I'll take custody of Dewey and Jamie.
Dewey: It's funny. I always figured Mom for jail and Dad for the loony bin. Life, huh?