Hal Quote #954
Quote from Hal in Reese Joins the Army: Part 2
Dennis: Now then, Hal, we've heard a lot of testimony from people about what you've done at this company. Why don't you tell us in your own words what kind of an employee you were.
Hal: Marginal. At best.
Dennis: Would you care to elaborate?
Hal: When you work for a big, impersonal corporation like this... You know those nature shows where a wasp paralyzes a caterpillar, then injects it full of larvae? It stays alive for weeks, completely aware, feeling every little bite as the larvae devour it from the inside. I sat in a cubicle every day envying that caterpillar 'cause at least he got to be on TV. I hated that job. I was a crappy employee.
Dennis: And yet countless eyewitnesses paint you as a man at the center of an ingenious conspiracy. [Jamie fusses as Lois nurses one of her plastic piggies] Time and time again you were placed at a crucial event. Do you have any way of refuting these claims?
Hal: Well, I didn't. Who could remember what they were doing on January 25, 2002 or March 14, 2003? But my son figured something out. Stand up, Malcolm. I know he looks normal, but my son is a freaky genius with numbers. I'm telling you, his head should be the size of a medicine ball. You give him any day of any year, and he can tell you what day of the week it is.
Dennis: And what does that have to do with anything?
Hal: Well, he figured out that every date on the board is a Friday. Every one. You can check the calendar.
Dennis: I'm sorry, I don't understand why that would be so important.
Hal: I haven't shown up for work on a Friday in 15 years.
Dennis: He didn't show up on Fridays for 15 years!
Hal: [whispers to the judge] That isn't going to be on the record, is it?
Malcolm in the Middle Quotes
‘Reese Joins the Army: Part 2’ Quotes
Quote from Hal
Malcolm: Dad? I made coffee. You want some?
Hal: Oh, hi. I was just singing. Always have a song in your heart, son. Thanks. [sighs] You know what the worst thing is? I have always hated that job. I wanted to quit ten years ago when they started deducting for sick days. I wanted to quit a year ago when they started making us vacuum out our own cubicles. If I'd have done that, they would have found another patsy and I wouldn't have been in this mess. They should have just fired me. I mean, I was a terrible employee. I never read a memo, I came in late, I blew off Fridays. What the hell is wrong with those people? Just promise me that you'll learn from my mistakes. Don't ever settle, Malcolm.
Malcolm: I won't.
Hal: I'm going to go make love to your mother one last time.
Malcolm: [to camera] I probably wasn't going to sleep tonight anyway.
Quote from Hal
Police Officer: [over bullhorn] You're not alone. We've called every available police officer in the Tri-County area. Are you sure you don't need any equipment? We've got some needle-nose pliers.
Hal: No! Stay away! [calmly] Everyone has to stay away! This thing is picking up a lot of vibrations right now. I said get back. Do you have a death wish, Officer?
Lt. Sortino: I'm Lieutenant Sortino with the bomb squad. I'm here to help. What's your name?
Hal: There's no time for introductions. We've got a level five explosive with a gravity timer and a percussion fuse.
Lt. Sortino: What bomb squad did you say you were with?
Hal: Millbrook. I'm off duty. Came by to return a library book. You've got a better selection here. And they charge 50 cents a day back home. Now, I know the fines help pay for the place, but that's really a very small part of the budget. Now, if we are finished playing 20 questions, I've got lives to save.
Lt. Sortino: Since you guys seem more up to date in Millbrook, I'm just going to go call your supervisor, see if he can send some backup.
Hal: Hoo-hoo! Sure. If you can find him. [mimes drinking] Okay, I'm going to try to detach the coaxial... Oh, no! I cut the wrong wire! It's gonna blow! [dives on the backpack] Tell my wife I love her! Five! Four! Three! Two! One!
[As the gathered police officers and fire fighters flinch and look away, Hal disappears with the backpack]
Quote from Hal
Malcolm: Can I have the potatoes?
Hal: You can have anything you want, son, if you're willing to work for it. Just reach for the stars and never let go. I should have told you that a long time ago. And when you write an angry letter, hold onto it for a day. You might not feel the same in the morning. And never invest in a friend's restaurant. Never. You know what? I'm not hungry. Come on, Dewey, let's go teach you how to shave.
Dewey: Great!
Hal: When you tip a valet, always fold your dollar up real tight. That way, by the time he sees what he's got, you're down the block.