Hal: It doesn't have to be tuna surprise. It can be chicken surprise, or beef, but there will be a surprise involved.

Lois: Give one of them special privileges for no reason.
Sgt. Hendrix: How does that work?
Lois: It's really pretty neat. The others don't know why he got special privileges so they start doing everything right just to catch up. Then the one you singled out starts getting suspicious and paranoid and he starts informing on the stragglers.
Sgt. Hendrix: That sounds pretty good. You mind if I steal that one?
Lois: Yeah, be my guest. You know another good one? Let them pick punishments for each other. It exercises their creativity and keeps them from ganging up on you.
Sgt. Hendrix: Nice.
Lois: You can also take their breakfast, lunch and dinner, put it the blender and grind it up into a gray paste. Eventually, they eat it. That's kind of fun.
Sgt. Hendrix: You are an artist.
Lois: No, I'm just a talented amateur.
Sgt. Hendrix: I wish I could help you. I wish I could just open this drawer up and show you the information you need. But I can't. It's got me so frustrated that I just want to stare intently out this window for, oh, say... 120 seconds.

Malcolm: Mom, what happened?
Lois: I'll tell you what happened. I told them how my underage son ran away and joined the army under false pretenses and was sent off to combat and you know what they said? They said if you can find out what name he used, they can have him back to us in six months. Six months! They'll have him back to us in six months?!
Malcolm: [to camera] I don't know if she's upset he's gonna get killed, or met someone else is gonna do it.
Hal: Honey, you know you're gonna lose a nail inside your palm again. Just calm down and let the army-
Lois: I don't trust the army, which means this family has to find him, and I don't trust this family, which means I have to find him. [Lois unclenches her hand]
Hal: Two Purple Hearts and a Bronze Star?
Lois: And he blubbered like a baby.

Reese: [inner monologue] I'm a lean, mean fighting machine. I'm a lean, mean fighting machine. I'm a robot. Robots are cool. Green Lantern fought a robot. I love Green Lantern. I love pie. Pie... Pie... Pie... Why am I thinking about pie? I'm supposed to be thinking about something else. Does it rhyme with "pie"? Buy? Cry? Die? High? Pie? Pie! No. Pie? Green Lantern. Fighting robot. Fighting machine. Me. I'm a fighting machine. I'm a lean, mean fighting machine. I'm a lean, mean fighting machine.

Malcolm: I'm sick of having to defend myself! No matter what I did to Reese, he's done way worse stuff to me, and it's all here on this list.
Dewey: So we're admitting we have lists? [pulls out thick binder] Mine starts January '95. When does yours start?
Malcolm: October 3, 1996: my first knuckle pizza. July 10, 1997: my first atomic swirly. The big bruise of '99. "Backyard Dentist", "Lighter Fluid Donut". That's worse than stealing a girlfriend, right?
Dewey: I don't know; were you in love for the first time with that donut?
Malcolm: Shut up, Dewey. I had every right. In fact, I owe him.
Dewey: So you're saying if he dies, then you'll be even?
Malcolm: I didn't say he was going to die!
Dewey: Malcolm, he almost killed himself with Bisquick once.
Malcolm: I'm just saying he deserves whatever he gets. [off Dewey's look] No, he doesn't. That's something Reese would say. I'm not Reese. Just because he's horrible doesn't mean I have to be. I'm better than that.
Dewey: Wow, for a brother-killer, you sure are conceited.

Hal: Lois, you can't do this. [rips up ticket] At some point, you have to check your ego and leave it to the professionals.
Lois: I can't.
Hal: Lois, you have this reckless, crazy belief in yourself that lets you do amazing things. It's something this family has always depended on. I would be lost without it, but sometimes that reckless, crazy belief is just... just... reckless and crazy! You've got to accept that some people can do things that you can't. Heart surgeons, rocket scientists, that lady at the mall who carves your name into a grain of rice. How does she do that? No one knows. Honey, honey, look... I am giving you permission not to be omnipotent. I know it's gonna be hard, but everything will be okay. I know it will.

Malcolm: [scoffs] The army. What do you expect of people who would give Reese a gun?
Lois: Oh, that's right. It's the army's fault if your brother gets killed.
Hal: Now, Lois, we can't blame Malcolm for stealing Reese's girl and causing this whole mess in the first place.
Malcolm: Huh?
Hal: Kids his age are nothing but raging hormones and hideous self-involvement. They are all amoral little creeps.
Lois: Don't defend him, Hal. Just help me make dinner.
Dewey: Great, "angry meat loaf". Thanks a lot.

Hal: Oh, uh, excuse me. Hi, uh, Sergeant Rick. I'm wondering if you can help me. My son is underaged, and I think you may have recruited him. Take a look.
Sgt. Rick: Oh, yeah, Private Jetson.
Hal: Oh! Yeah.
Sgt. Rick: Well, let's see, uh... He was sent to Fort Roberts. I'll get you the address.
Hal: Oh, I really appreciate this. I just don't understand what would make him go and do a crazy thing like this.
Sgt. Rick: Well, the truth is is today's army's a pretty attractive package. Competitive salaries, health benefits, college tuition...
[cut to:]
Hal: [on the phone] Lois, I didn't sign anything. Just hear me out. It's only two weekends a month, plus we might qualify for a housing allowance. Okay, there's a slight possibility of active duty, but Sergeant Rick expects global events to stabilize in the next three months.

Hal: So, after I was indicted, my wife lost her job and had a nervous breakdown, and if that wasn't bad enough, one of our sons stole his brother's girlfriend, which made him run away from home and join the army. We don't even know where he is. We're just worried sick about him. It's just that you feel so helpless, you know?
Girl Scout: Look, I don't set the prices, mister. They're four bucks a box. Take it or leave it.
Hal: All right. Just the Thin Mints.

Lois: You know, Sergeant, you and I aren't so different. I mean, if you think about it, we both have the same job. Taking a bunch of mindless, irresponsible teenagers and turning them into something vaguely useful to the world.
Sgt. Hendrix: It is a challenge, ma'am.
Lois: Last week, one of my boys was trying to iron his shirt while he was still in it.
Sgt. Hendrix: One of mine interrupted a war game because his rifle was kind of digging into his shoulder. [both chuckle]
Lois: Did you make everyone suffer for what the one kid did?
Sgt. Hendrix: Of course. But it never lasts, does it? It is stunning how much punishment they require.
Lois: Tell me about it. I'm amazed I get anything else done.