Lois: Well, we got two hours till we have to go back to the hospital. You want to order in or eat leftovers?
Hal: Well, I'd say "you decide," but then I'd be a pushover, wouldn't I?
Lois: What are you talking about?
Hal: March and Conquer. You called me a pushover. Don't deny it.
Lois: Come on, honey, I trounced you.
Hal: Just because you got all the good dice rolls and you weren't saddled with Brazil to protect. A- And I wouldn't call it "trounced."
Lois: What would you say? Demolished? Creamed? Annihilated?
Hal: Get the board.

Dr. Harrison: How are you, Tiger? [to interns] I want you to note the bedside manner.
Malcolm: Dr. Harrison, I'm glad you're here. I wanted to talk to you. I feeling a lot better now, and my temperature's been down for six hours, and I'm thinking that maybe my first blood test wasn't accurate.
Dr. Harrison: Now, this is what we call a hysterical patient.
Malcolm: I'm not hysterical. I just think it'd be smart to run another blood test before you commit to cutting me open.
Dr. Harrison: Why, that's a terrific idea. Really terrific. [chuckles] We'll see you later. [they walk away]
Malcolm: What's wrong with you people?! Labs make mistakes! Listen to me!

Finley: I can't take this anymore. If I don't eat soon, I'm going to pass out. This isn't worth it.
Drew: I agree with Finley.
Finley: Who are you?
Drew: Your roommate.
Finley: Oh. Yeah. Hey, after the luau, you want to go parasailing?
Drew: What?
Eric: Snap out of it. You're talking crazy. Why would we have a luau when we're trapped in a disabled submarine? Wait. I hear tapping.
Francis: Come on, guys, we're doing good. I think we're on the right track here. If we keep this up, Commandant... Uh...
Eric: Spangler?
Francis: Yes. Spangler. Commandant Spangler will have no choice but to meet our demands.
Spangler: Francis? It's time we talked. Will you gentlemen excuse us, please? [cadets slowly scatter] Take your time.

Lois: Yes! Madagascar is mine!
Hal: Let me see those dice.
Lois: Are you accusing me of cheating?!
Hal: Don't be ridiculous. [holds dice up to the light] [knock at door]
Lois: That's the pizza delivery man. Why don't you get it?
Hal: Oh. So my artillery can mysteriously disappear like it did when I went to get a glass of water.
Reese: Or when I went to the bathroom and your tanks just materialized on my border.
Dewey: I'm not getting it. [knock at door]
Hal: Come in!
Man: [o.s.] It's locked!
Hal: Try the window!
Man: [o.s.] What?!
Hal: Haven't you ever delivered pizza before?! Come in through the window!
Man: [o.s.] It's locked, too!
Hal: Okay, thanks anyway!

Hal: It's your move, Reese. What are you going to do?
Reese: I don't know!
Dewey: I'm hungry.
Lois: Reese, if you attack me, you're grounded.
Hal: If you don't attack her, you're grounded!
Reese: Stop it! I don't want to play anymore! I hate this game. It's never been this horrible, even when Malcolm was kicking our butts.
Hal: He's right. Look what we've become. Without Malcolm humiliating us, our worst competitive instincts took over. [sighs] I'm ashamed for all of us.
Lois: So, you're quitting?
Dewey: Let it go, Lois.
Lois: Ah, you're right. Reese, do the honors. [Reese throws everything off the board]
Hal: Good. Now, who wants to go outside and watch me burn the evil game? [all cheer]

Spangler: I have to admit, cadet, I thought you boys would have surrendered by now, but instead, you have shown strength of will, teamwork, and a willingness to sacrifice. Well done.
Francis: With what?
Spangler: The strike.
Francis: Right, right, the strike. Well, that's good, 'cause... we weren't going to do... the thing... until we got back... Well, you know.
Spangler: Yes, I believe I do. Shall we discuss terms?
[cut to:]
Francis: We did it. The strike's over. We won! [cadets cheer] We got his magic hat!
Eric: What about the television?
Francis: Huh?

Malcolm: [to camera] There's nothing like two days at the hospital to make you appreciate your own home.
Reese: Give me that!
Lois: Oh, my God! Look at Malcolm's hospital bill. I'd hate to think what it'd cost if he'd actually had the operation.
Hal: Well, there goes our summer vacation.
Dewey: So we have to pay even though he was faking?
Malcolm: I wasn't faking. I'm the one who figured out they were wrong, remember?
Reese: Well, if you're such a genius, why didn't you figure it out sooner?
Hal: Well, son, you want to answer that for us all?
Malcolm: [to camera] Nothing like ten seconds at home to make you appreciate the hospital.

Lois: Wow, it's sure quiet without Malcolm here.
Hal: Poor little guy.
Lois: There's an extra pork chop.
Reese: [slams fork into the pork chop] Mine!
Hal: Go ahead. I'm stuffed.
Dewey: Me, too.
Reese: So am I. I was just hoping someone would fight me for it.

Dewey: Hey, can we play March and Conquer?
Reese: That game's no fun. Malcolm always creams us in, like, five minutes. Yeah, can we?
Hal: I... don't know.
Dewey: Please?
Reese: We need at least three people or we can't play.
Lois: Oh, all right.

Hal: Okay, Lois, let's see how well you defend the Black Sea without Bosporus and the Dardanelles.
Lois: Yeah, yeah, just wait.
Reese: Wow, it's been an hour and I'm still in the game. I usually tip the board over way before now.
Dewey: Guess what? We look just like the family on the box.
Hal: Oh, yeah.
Dewey: Can I be the little girl?
Hal: Not on my watch, son.