Malcolm: [to camera] You know, I'm not feeling that good. I could give Dad some of mine, but that's not really in the true spirit of Bacon Day. [to Lois] Mom, my stomach hurts.
Reese: So does mine.
Malcolm: I'm not kidding, it's really sore.
Reese: Ow! It hurts!
Malcolm: Shut up, Reese. Mom...
Reese: I see spots! Mommy!
Lois: All right, that's enough. I don't care what test you didn't study for or what assignment you didn't do, you're going to school.
Hal: You know, now that you mention it...
Lois: Everybody's going.

Lois: Malcolm, why are you walking like that?
Malcolm: My side still hurts.
Lois: But it's the weekend. [feels Malcolm's forehead] Okay, everybody get in the car. We're going to the hospital.

Dewey: Mom, why does that man have a lightbulb stuck...
Lois: Dewey, get away from there.

Dewey: They're going to cut you open?
Reese: Like a trout.
Lois: Don't worry, you won't feel a thing; you'll be unconscious.
Reese: Not necessarily. I saw this thing on TV where this guy woke up in the middle of his operation and could feel everything they were doing, but he was paralyzed and couldn't even scream.
Hal: Reese, for the love of God, stop talking.

Malcolm: Why do I have to stay in the kids' ward?
Lois: I'm sorry, honey, but you're six months too young to have an adult room.
Reese: I hear if you're really good, they'll put apple juice in your sippy cup.

Malcolm: Dad, do you want to wait out in the car?
Hal: No. I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm on a beach. There's the surf, there's sand, there's... needles. There's the horrible choking stench of hospital antiseptic.
Lois: Hal!
Hal: Coming.

Lois: Reese, give your brother a hug.
Reese: Aw, Mom.
Lois: Do it!
Reese: [quietly] If you tell anyone I hugged you, I'll put you right back in here.
Lois: Bye.
Malcolm: [to camera] Why did she make him hug me? Wait. Why did she make him hug me?

Anesthesiologist: Here he is.
Malcolm: What?
Anesthesiologist: You just keep quiet. You're in good hands.
[An orderly places a metal frame around Malcolm's head after the anesthesiologist draws a pen mark on Malcolm's forehead]
Anesthesiologist: This is to keep your head still so Mr. Laser can do his job.
Malcolm: Huh?
Nurse: Psst.
[After the anesthesiologist consults the chart, the orderliers remove the frame from Malcolm's head and erase the mark]
Anesthesiologist: Shh.

Hal: Between the stench of disease and all those waffles, I don't feel very well.
Malcolm: What waffles?
Reese: Oh, man, you missed it. We went to Pancake Pete's.
Malcolm: We never go out to breakfast.
Hal: Well, we stayed up late playing March and Conquer, and your mother was too tired to cook.
Malcolm: You guys played March and Conquer without me?
Lois: Oh, Malcolm, you didn't miss anything last night. These guys are a bunch of pushovers.
Hal: Pushovers? I held Kamchatka for three hours.

Lois: Look, we're going to take the boys home, and then your dad and I will be back in time for your operation, okay?
Malcolm: Dewey, you're wearing my shirt.
Dewey: Am I?