Boy: You want to play "Go Fish"?
Malcolm: No. I didn't want to play five minutes ago. I didn't want to play an hour ago. I don't want to play!
Boy: You got any fives?

Dr. Harrison: And this is our inflamed appendix. The patient arrived today complaining of abdominal pain in the right lower quadrant. [pokes Malcolm's abdomen]
Malcolm: Ow!
We're going to have to start him on an I.V.
Dr. Harrison: Cathryn?
Cathryn: Oh, God. Not me again. Please!
Dr. Harrison: It'll be fine this time, Cathryn. Accidents happen.
Malcolm: Can maybe someone else...
Dr. Harrison: Helmut will hold him still. [Helmut restrains Malcolm and covers his mouth] If you feel pain, you can bite down on his hand just as hard as you want. Helmut won't mind.

Reese: Go, Mom!
Lois: Okay, you can do this the easy way and surrender with dignity, or I can destroy you.
Hal: Oh, you forget, I still have Antarctica, gateway to New Zealand.
Lois: You got nothing. Any roll other than three, and the world is mine.
Dewey: Go three, three, three. [Lois rolls] Yay!
Lois: Oh, sorry, honey, you tried really hard. And for a while there, I thought you might actually be...
Hal: Rematch.
Reese: All right.
Lois: Hal, it's after midnight.
Hal: Rematch.
Lois: Set up the board.

Lois: Oh, I'm sure it wasn't that bad.
Malcolm: They made me use a bedpan even though I could walk. They turned off the lights at 6:30 so I couldn't even read. And last night, some man put a metal cage on my head. They were going to operate on my brain.
Reese: [chuckles] Bedpan.
Lois: Sweetie, I'm sure it was just a bad dream.
Malcolm: Besides, I'm feeling a lot better now. I don't even think I need surgery.
Lois: It's okay. Surgery makes everybody a little scared. Trust me, this is going to be over before you know it.

Helmut: Here. Take this.
Malcolm: What's this for?
Helmut: Sedatives. Your surgery has been moved up.
Malcolm: What do you mean, moved up? My parents aren't even here.
Helmut: I'm sure they've been notified.
Malcolm: Look, I'm not taking these until after I get another blood test.
Helmut: Take the pills.
Malcolm: No! I'm not going to! You can't force... [forces pills into Malcolm's mouth] I know you are frightened, and that is normal for a little boy. But now you must let the grown-ups handle things. All you have to do is relax and let the pills take effect. That's a good boy.
[Malcolm spits the pills in Helmut's face, jumps out of the bed and runs out]

Eric: Spangler was right. Who needs television? This is nice. Get some fresh air, some exercise.
Drew: Nice drive.
Eric: Thanks. I think this hat is magic. Right, Francis?
Francis: [on the ground with golf tee in his mouth] Uh-huh.
Eric: Oh, remember to replace your divots.