Malcolm: Dewey, stay with us. You're going to get lost.
Reese: No, I won't.
Malcolm: Yes, you will. You always do. You know you could help.
Reese: I'm watching him. He's right over-
Malcolm: Man, how does he do that? Totally your fault! He was right in your eye line. You don't pay attention to anything!
Reese: I pay attention. [sees a half-eaten hot dog on the ground] Score!
Malcolm: What are you doing?
Reese: [mouth full] Too slow.

Malcolm: Come on. Let's just go find Dewey. This place sucks. It's hot, it stinks nobody's T-shirts cover their stomachs and I'm bored out of my mind.
Reese: Hey. Look at that. Let's check it out.
Malcolm: I don't know. It doesn't just say "keep out." It says "forbidden."
Reese: And they wouldn't bother making it "forbidden" if it wasn't something totally bitchin' on the other side.
Malcolm: [to camera] Wow. I can't find a flaw in his logic.
Reese: Come on. What's the worst that could happen?

Malcolm: We didn't do anything!
Reese: I'm a diabetic. I need insulin.
Security Guard: Sit down!
Malcolm: You are such an idiot! [to camera] It actually was pretty bitchin'. [Malcolm has a wheel gun wrapped in his shirt] And I'm totally getting one of these for Christmas.

Malcolm: I'll be Kevin. You be Clyde.
Reese: Think you can cry?
Malcolm: No. I got to feel it.
Reese: Ooh, I got an idea.
Malcolm: No!
Reese: Just follow my lead.
Malcolm: No, Reese. Whatever it is, no!

Caroline: You know, I have learned more in two hours with you than I have in six years of teaching. [sighs] So, did your life turn out anything at all like you planned?
Lois: Oh, God, no. Oh, when I was a girl I had all these crazy, romantic dreams. I wanted to be a blackjack dealer in an Indian reservation. Didn't work out. Stubby thumbs.
Caroline: Well, at least you have your home and your family. All I come home to every night are three howling cats and Bob.
Lois: Who's Bob?
Caroline: My shower head. [both laugh] Do you have anything stronger?
Lois: I'm way ahead of you.

Hal: What seems to be the trouble here, Officer, uh, Karl?
Security Guard: These your boys?
Hal: Yes, sir, that they are. Fine boys. Couldn't be prouder of them.
Security Guard: For your information, these are two of the worst kids I have ever encountered in my life. And I work the state fair.
Hal: Really? See, that must be fascinating. Seeing people from all over, the different cultures-
Security Guard: Hey, I don't want to be a hard case here, but these kids physically attacked me. Plus, they completely destroyed a $300 pneumatic drill which someone's going to pay for.
Hal: Well, this all sounds pretty serious. But don't you worry, Officer Karl. They are going to hear all about it when I get them home. See, I'm just sorry that they had to put you through all of this. That's not fair. And I, uh, see, I fully intend to pay for-
[Hal kicks Officer Karl in the shin]
Hal: Clyde, Kevin! Get to the car!