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Lois vs. Evil

‘Lois vs. Evil’

Season 1, Episode 9 -  Aired March 19, 2000

Lois loses her job after the boys misbehave at the grocery store.

Quote from Lois

Malcolm: [to camera] It's been ten days since Mom lost her job. Yesterday for dinner, we had macaroni and rice. Today it's rice and macaroni.
Reese: Mom, I can't eat this stuff anymore.
Lois: Reese, this is not the time for complaining.
Reese: I'm not complaining; I'm constipated.
Lois: I'm sorry, we can't afford to live lavishly anymore. Drink your milk.
Dewey: It's lumpy.
Lois: Then chew it.


Quote from Hal

Lois: A $150 bottle of cognac? How could you take this?!
Dewey: I'm sorry.
Hal: My God, would you look at this thing? Can you imagine the man who spends $150 on a bottle of cognac? What do you think a guy like that pays for socks?

Quote from Lois

Malcolm: You're going to keep the food?
Lois: Yes. I'm not going to throw away perfectly good pie filling and... lamb chutney.
Malcolm: Don't you even care how humiliating this is?
Reese: We've done can drives. This is just the crap people find when they clean out the garage.
Lois: Okay, just stop it. I know how hard this is but no one ever said life is fair. Sometimes decent, hard-working people get dumped on for no good reason. They just have to wipe their eyes and keep on walking. Something will turn up. We just have to hold on a little bit longer.
Hal: And in the meantime be thankful for small favors. Anyone want the last olive?
Lois: Those aren't olives. Those are peaches.
[cut to an ambulance driving down the street with its siren on]

Quote from Lois

Lois: Okay, I'm off work in five minutes. Don't touch the register. Don't touch the candy. Don't touch the price tags and don't touch the microphones. And that includes by accident. That includes just looking. That includes hovering with your finger a half inch away from it. Fair warning.

Quote from Malcolm

Malcolm: [to camera] I know a lot of kids say they like school. But honestly, I just find it exhausting. I mean, when I am in school I'm either bored, terrified or confused about Julie Houlerman.
Julie: Hi, Malcolm.
Malcolm: [to camera] Perfect example. What does she mean by that? Is it just "Hi"? Is she trying to say she likes me? Is she just being nice? And now I have to figure out a secret way to answer her without A) acting like I like her or B) acting like I don't like her or C) acting like I've never even thought about A or B. Just be pleasant and noncommittal. [to Julie] Hey, Ju- [notices she's walked off] [to camera] She's doing this to me on purpose.

Quote from Craig

Craig: You know, uh, this is a little intense. You, me, working this shelf together. [chuckles nervously]
Lois: What's intense about it?
Craig: I guess nothing. Excuse me. [walks off]

Quote from Reese

Reese: Mom!
Dewey: You're not supposed to yell in the store.
Reese: [flicks Dewey's head] Not supposed to do that either. Life's funny that way.

Quote from Dewey

Craig: Hey, the Three Musketeers. Athos, Aramis and you must be Porthos.
Dewey: You're creepy.
Craig: You really shouldn't say hurtful things to grownups.
Dewey: I'm sorry.
Craig: That's okay. We're still friends.

Quote from Hal

[When Hal returns home, Malcolm and Reese are kneeling on the floor, facing the wall with their hands on their heads:]
Hal: Oh, hello, boys. How long you in for?
Reese: Another hour.
Hal: Yow.

Quote from Hal

Hal: Hey, come on, we can do this. We've had to economize before. Remember when Grandma drove into the living room? Or last year, when we were saving up for Disneyland?
Dewey: We're going to Disneyland?
Hal: [nods] No. It's like that. Except this time, we're just trying to keep the house.

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