Hal: I'm glad you changed your mind and decided to join me. [Jamie mumbles] It's nice to know that at least one of my sons isn't too busy to spend a little time with the old man. Oh, here, look. The deck is real teak. There's even a working foghorn. [foghorn sounds] Listen. [Jamie tries to grab the boat] Easy, it's not a toy.
Matt: You're sitting on my bench.
Hal: What?
Matt: That's my bench.
Hal: I don't think anybody owns the benches, young man. I'm sure you can find another one.
Matt: I don't want to find another one. I always sit here. [Jamie blows a raspberry]
Hal: Jamie, I'll handle this. Kid, I didn't see you wiping off the pigeon poop with your son's blankie. I've earned this bench, so take a hike. [Matt walks away] Okay, let's set her out there and aim for the horizon. [puts boat in water] Ah, she's in God's hands now. Well... in mine. Steady. Steady as she goes. Look at her. She is yar. [Matt's speedboat zooms at Hal's boat, capsizing it] Are you crazy?! What do you think you're doing?!
Matt: I'm think I'm sinking your boat!

Malcolm: Excuse me, what room is Stevie Kenarban in?
Receptionist: Let me check. He's in room 220 right up the elevator.
Malcolm: Thank you. [walks away and then returns] I was going to come visit yesterday morning, but I had this giant hole in my lunch bag and everything just spilled out. My tuna sandwich was fine, but my orange started rolling down this hill, and by the time I caught up with it, I was late for school.
Receptionist: It's still room 220.
Malcolm: [walks away and returns] Where would it be possible to find a gift?
Receptionist: I would try the gift shop.
Malcolm: Good idea. Thanks.
Receptionist: You're welcome. [Malcolm stands there for a moment and then walks away]

Hampton: Can I help you find something?
Malcolm: Yeah, do you have any cards that don't say "Get well"?
Hampton: This is a hospital. Usually, we're rooting for the patient.
Malcolm: I get it, it's just that all these cards are just really generic. And this is for my best friend, so I need something special.
Hampton: How about flowers?
Malcolm: I'm not asking him to marry me.
Hampton: This bear's pretty popular.
Malcolm: Let's see. He's allergic to the fur, the stuffing, the plastic eyes. And what's this tag made out of?

Malcolm: Okay, let's go with the hula guy.
Hampton: You're sure?
Malcolm: Definitely. So we've narrowed it down to ten possibilities. Let's go over the pros and cons one more time.
Woman: [over P.A.] Attention, it is now 9:00. Visiting hours are over.
Malcolm: What? I can't believe you let this happen!
["Big Mouth Billy Bass"-like product sings]

Hal: It's high noon somewhere.

Hal: Oh, no! What am I ever going to do? What about this? Say hello to my little friend! [fires missile at Matt's boat]
Matt: Hey, you broke my boat!
Hal: It's that kind of party, little man.
Matt: [sobs] That was my grandad's boat. He gave it to me before he died.
Hal: [to the crowd] He started it.