Man: I hear your son likes to beat up seven-year-olds.
Hal: I wouldn't say he likes it. He's good at it, apparently.
Man: Look in my family... [pokes Hal] we don't go for that.
Hal: Probably not a good idea to poke me.
Man: "Probably not a good idea to poke me." [pokes Hal again]
Hal: [mirthless chuckle]

Kevin: Hey, look at the goulash boy.
Malcolm: Get away from me, Kevin.
Kevin: Ooh, "get away from me, Kevin." He's so sad that he doesn't have pizza and I do.
Malcolm: I said get away.
Stevie: [removes glasses] Chill... man. I got... your back.
Kevin: What are you looking at, Kenar-butt?
Stevie: Light... some shadows.

Malcolm: What do you mean he's only seven?
Nurse: What's not to understand? He just turned seven. I guess you were too busy beating people to notice.
Malcolm: He can't be seven. He's bigger than I am.
Nurse: He's in second grade. Look at all this blood.
Malcolm: That's not blood. It's pizza sauce. Well, that's blood, but...

Caroline: [enters] Oh, my God. Oh, my God! What happened?
Kevin: [sobs] I want my Teletubby!
Malcolm: A doll? You can't play with dolls if you're seven. Why are you seven?
Caroline: You beat up a seven-year-old?
Malcolm: I didn't know.
Caroline: Malcolm, I don't blame you. I put this squarely where it belongs. On me. [sobs]
Malcolm: [to camera] Oh, man, this is the most horrible thing I've ever done. [to Kevin] Kevin, I'm sorry.
Nurse: I think you've done quite enough.
Kevin: This is the worst birthday ever!

Francis: He's giving that same lecture to the underclassmen. I can't let that happen. I'm stealing his slides.
Stanley: And to you that's a good idea?
Francis: Absolutely. I know it's hard core, Stanley, but I'm not doing this for me. I'm doing it for them. After all, they are the future.

Malcolm: And then I found out he was only seven. I didn't know what to do. I just felt like I had to talk to someone. I hope I'm doing this right. See, my family - we're not like regular churchgoers but I know places like this are supposed to help you feel better and that's really what I need. I did something terrible, and now I just feel like there's something wrong with me. I mean, really wrong, deep inside. I can't shake it. What do I do?
[montage:]
Priest: Look to the church.
Rabbi: Look to God.
Guru: Look within.
Priest: But first ask forgiveness.
Reese: First, you must atone.
Guru: First, you must cleanse your spirit.

[rap beat over montage:]
Priest: The path to salvation
Rabbi: The path to temptation
Guru: The path to meditation
Rabbi: How does one define a sin? Well, it's mostly common sense
Guru: Then you have to light incense
Priest: If you practice abstinence
Guru: It's whatever space you're in
Malcolm: [to camera] Huh?

[rap beat over montage:]
Priest: C-C-Charity?
Rabbi: Prosperity?
Guru: Clarity?
Priest: Divine
Rabbi: Restitution
Priest: Absolution
Guru: Contribution
Rabbi: Palestine
Priest: Sacramental
Guru: Accidental
Rabbi: Mostly mental
Guru: You'll be fine
Priest: Transubstantiate
Guru: Alleviate
Rabbi: Who knows
Guru: Align your spine
Malcolm: Uh... Well, thanks. I feel much better. Bye.

Malcolm: Maybe if I did something good that would cancel it out, right? Or if I'm only doing it to feel better is that selfish and doesn't count as much? Stevie? [Malcolm sighs as he sees Stevie has moved away] [to camera] Okay. So, I just have to think of a really giant good deed. That way, I know I'll be in the plus column. I bet I can think of something great. I just have to put some thought into it. [looks back at the bulletin board] There! That's perfect. I'll run the marathon and get people to pledge money for every mile that I go. I hate running, so it'll be hard. And I'll have to train for it, so it'll take dedication. And it'll be helping cure diseases which no one likes. And then I can get on with my life.

Hal: I'm sorry I beat him up but how was I supposed to know he was 15? He was huge. You should have seen the grip he had on my throat.