Stevie: What is that?
Malcolm: I don't know. All I can identify are little pieces of carrot and... I don't know, I think they're Skittles.

Reese: "Inappropriate", "vicious". Oh, wait, "thug". " Dude, I have never gotten "thug" before. That's like the Oscar.
Dewey: Susie Gunther ate my crayons. Can you beat her up tomorrow?
Malcolm: Leave me alone.
Reese: You know what my favorite part is? It's when you pound on someone and then a day later you still feel the pain in your knuckles. Oh, I love that.
Malcolm: Shut up, Reese.
Reese: Hey, hey, pace yourself, killer.

Reese: Dad. You cut down the tree and we missed it?
Hal: Oh, baby, you missed it, all right. I was about two-thirds of the way through her then crack! Kaboom! My chain saw goes flying. All the car alarms go off. About 100 squirrels came boiling out of the branches. Then a pack of dogs came out of nowhere and chased them all over the neighborhood. Man, I've never seen anything like it.
Reese: Man.
Hal: Oh, don't worry, son. You'll get to share in the best part. Cleaning up.

Spangler: I think you'll enjoy my sexual awareness lecture next week. It's been called riveting.
Adam: I'm sure it is, sir. It sure worked wonders for me, sir. The only woman I can think of without vomiting is my own mother.
Spangler: As it should be, son. As it should be.

Malcolm: I can't take this anymore. When are you going to punish me?
Lois: For what?
Malcolm: For beating up a seven-year-old. [all laugh]
Lois: Oh, my God, that's right. You must've just felt ridiculous when you found out how old that kid was.
Hal: I can only imagine the look on your face. [laughter] [doorbell rings]
Lois: I'll get it. Oh, this is nice. We should start every day with a good laugh.

Lois: It's none of your business what we do on our property.
Ed: That tree was older than your house. You had no right to cut it down. We're a neighborhood. And removing trees is a neighborhood decision.
Lois: Oh, you people. For 15 years, you mowed your lawns at night so you don't have to talk to us. Now, what, all of a sudden we're a neighborhood?
Hal: What's going on here?
Ed: You've caused a blight by cutting down that tree.
Hal: How is cutting down a tree a blight?
Ed: Because now we can see your house.
Lois: Well, let me tell you something, Ed. As far as I'm concerned you and the neighbors can all just [monkey-like chattering]
Hal: That goes double for me. I want you all off our property now or [grunting]
Reese: [chattering and grunting]
Dewey: [grunting] [monkey-like chattering]
Malcolm: [to camera] No wonder I'm a thug. How can they act like this? [itches armpit]

Hal: Hey, boys. Where's your brother?
Reese: I don't know. He said something about being evil and he took off.
Hal: Ah. Uh, stay back.
[Hal throws a tree branch into the wood chipper]
Dewey: Wow!
Reese: That was the coolest thing I've ever seen!
Hal: Really? All it does is instantly vaporize anything that goes into it.
[As Hal walks over to get another branch, Dewey walks up to the wood chipper and throws his lunchbox in there]
Hal: Dewey! What was?! Actually, that was pretty cool. What else you got?

[Hal meekly cheers after throwing confetti into the wood chipper and seeing it spew out without much difference:]
Hal: Well, we've obviously run out of ideas.

Malcolm: I can't stop thinking about what I did to Kevin. I feel like crap, and no one understands. Even you. You're supposed to be my friend and you don't even care.
Stevie: And yet... you keep... talking.

Hal: There we go.
Reese: Looks great, Dad.
Hal: Yeah? I don't know. Now that it's in there it sort of makes me miss the old tree. This one's a little droopy. And the branches are a little spindly. And there's no face. Well, there's that little one but it's... not the kindly little spooky face. Oh, my God! What have I done? Reese get my chain saw.