Malcolm: I want you to tell me why you don't like me.
Laurie: Why are you doing this?
Malcolm: I want a straight answer!
Laurie: Ugh, I can't believe I liked you in the third grade.
Malcolm: You liked me in the third grade?! I knew it! I wasn't crazy! You did like me! So what the hell has changed? Tell me! I defy you to tell me!
Laurie: Nothing! That's the problem! You're still the obsessive whining know-it-all who doesn't listen to anyone.
Malcolm: But you did like me in the third grade?
Laurie: Malcolm, I don't like you! Can you get that through your head? Before I just didn't have a crush on you. And now I can't stand you! So you want me to tell you why I don't like you? You want me to tell you why I like nice, funny Gary Spindler and absolutely despise bitter, annoying Malcolm? Do you?
Malcolm: Look...
Laurie: Well, I'm gonna tell you! There is something wrong with you! I don't know how you do it! You're cute, smart, funny and somehow you managed to mess that up! Like today. It was an awkward situation, but it would've passed. But you just kept picking at it and picking at it until it turned into this big horrible thing! [Malcolm tries to escape] There is something wrong inside you! There's something rotten at the core of your personality! You're just off! That's not even the worst thing!

Laurie: Wow, these are nice woods. Come on, Malcolm, we're still friends. We can still have fun, right? Why don't you help me with this clue? "North of the fork and up a small hill, under a joke without J is a small yellow bill." This doesn't make any sense. You'd think they'd make sense.
Malcolm: Gary Spindler?!
Laurie: Malcolm?!
Malcolm: Just tell me what you see in that jerk. He high-fives people when they decide what they want on their pizza. He still says, "It's the bomb". "Hi, I'm Gary. I have a laser pointer."
Laurie: He's nice. And can we concentrate on the scavenger hunt? We're going to fall behind if we don't figure this out.
Malcolm: It's a stupid yellow duck under that oak tree right there. Joke without J, oke. Oak tree. The fork was just back there.

John Pratt: Hey, everybody! I know there are some concerns here so I've brought Mr Landon over to put your minds at ease. Now, he's taking time away from his family so not too many questions.
Barry: This is beautiful. Phil, Mr Landon would like to put our minds at ease! Isn't that right, Bert?
Phil: Hal?!
Hal: Ah, Bert. Albert. Halbert. Hal! You know? [chuckles] I'm sensing a lot of confusion here but the keyword to keep in mind is loyalty. When you're worried about your job it's very tempting to make a fellow co-worker look bad but, I mean, who really cares if someone's wife's an alcoholic... or that someone has a certain unnatural attraction to women in suits? The important thing is we're in this together! And remember, nobody likes a snitch! So, let's have a great picnic, huh? [applauds and runs away]

Hal: Pratt, do you have a moment?
John Pratt: For you, Bert? Of course!
Hal: You're fired!
John Pratt: What?
Hal: I don't think it's working out so let's just make a clean break.
John Pratt: I haven't even started yet! What could you possibly be basing this on?
Hal: My gut. I didn't get this far without trusting my instincts. I'm sorry, son. I think it's best if you just leave the picnic now. They have some sort of foil if you wanna wrap that up.
[Pratt throws his food on the ground and storms off]

Laurie: Wow, you were right. That's great, Malcolm. You know, you're really good at this.
Malcolm: Yes, I am. I have a lot of other good qualities, too. In fact, there's lots of things to like about me if I was given half a chance.
Laurie: Can we just do this?
Malcolm: Fine.
Laurie: OK, clue number two. "Look for this gem on an overgrown hem. Stay to your right or it might take all night."
Malcolm: For God's sakes, Gary Spindler?!

Reese: You were amazing out there.
George: I would never have found those kids without you!
Reese: You know something? Together we make the perfect three-legged person.
George: I wish we could stay like this forever!
Reese: Yeah. Wait. Why can't we? There's people that do surgeries.

Meg's husband: Excuse me? Are you Lois?
Lois: Yes.
Meg's husband: Where do you get off talking to my wife about my mother?! I will have you know, I wet my bed every night until I was 16. And my mother changed those sheets for years and never said a word! I don't care if they don't get along. My mother's important to me.
Lois: Hey, I never said anything about your mother. [steps back]
Meg's husband: By the way, I don't have a porn problem. Did she tell you she was the one to introduce it into our home!
Lois: You know, I don't have any interest in- [steps back]
Meg's husband: It was her idea and now I'm the pervert. I don't know what it is about porn. Maybe it's the safety of emotional distance or maybe it's just the thrill.
Lois: All right, that's it! If you're gonna make me do this we're gonna do this. Now sit down! Your problem is you both see yourselves as victims. You've got to talk to each other. There's a certain thing called give and take you need to make a relationship work. Do you understand?
Meg's husband: Yes.
Lois: I'm not finished with you. Now, if you're gonna make this work you have to make sure that you are home every night at 6:30, not 6:35. You have got to create an atmosphere of trust.

Dewey: I want candy!
Old Woman: I just opened my purse to get a Tic Tac and he dropped out of a tree on my back.
Lois: I am so sorry. Now you go and you sit down in that chair and you put your head down.

Lois: Did you straighten things out with Pratt?
Hal: Almost.
Lois: Oh, for God's sake, Hal! Where is he? I'll talk to him.
Hal: No. It's too late now. It would be awkward.
Lois: Hal, you work with the man. He's going to find out. Now, it'll be, like, two seconds of embarrassment and then it's over. Now go!

Laurie: I'm so sorry, Malcolm. I just started talking and I couldn't stop. And I said all those mean things. I didn't even mean half of them. Who am I to say that your kids would be screwed up? I mean, you might not even have kids! Are you OK?
Malcolm: [sobs] I think I can stop crying now. Can you get me more leaves?
Laurie: Oh, Malcolm.
Malcolm: No, really, I'm fine.
Laurie: No, Malcolm, that's poison oak.
Malcolm: Of course it is!