Reese: I still can't believe it! For the first time ever, I'm gonna be... behind the wheel!
Hal: [whispers to Lois] He keeps doing that.

Lois: [on the phone] And you tell him if he ever wants to see daylight again, he'll pull over this instant!
Negotiator: [over bullhorn] "Your mother wants you to know that she loves you and"
Lois: He has 10 seconds to pull over that car or I will!
Negotiator: [over bullhorn] "Give you lots of hugs and kisses."
Jackie: You heard your mom, you're not in trouble. Can you pull over now?
Reese: That's not my mom.

Malcolm: I have to go to Craig's afterward. Jellybean is getting his cast off and he wants me to videotape it.
Hal: Craig's talking already? Good for him! I was really creeped out about that whole one blink yes, two blinks no stuff.
Lois: No, you got it the other way around, Hal. One blink means no.
Hal: So the soup was too hot!

Francis: [on the phone] Hey, Dad.
Hal: Francis! Hi, how are you? We haven't heard from you in so long!
Francis: Yeah. Well, you know how I've always been impulsive and independent-minded, but basically just unlucky?
Hal: What?
Francis: Well, there's been a certain incident here and without getting bogged down by the blame game, let's just say there's been some damages.
Hal: That's why you're calling? Francis, no, you can't do that any more. You're on your own. You've emancipated yourself, remember? You can't come running back to your parents for money at the first sign of trouble any more.
Francis: I'm not running to my parents, I'm calling as one adult to another for an adult... loan.
Hal: No! You've made whatever mess you've made and you take care of it!
Francis: I have been taking care of it. I already got Big Red to cut me the lumber in exchange for fur-lined boots. I got my friend Pete to make the boots, but only because I promised him a new set of teeth. And as you probably know, teeth don't come cheap! And that's where you- [Hal hangs up]

Lois: [answers phone] Hello?
Craig: Hi, Lois, it's Craig.
Lois: Craig. I can't talk right now, er, I'm on the other line.
Craig: It's okay. This will only take a second. I have something to say to you that I only feel comfortable saying because we're like family. Your son Malcolm is a filthy vandal.
Lois: What?!
Craig: He threw eggs all over the front of my new apartment. Him and his little wheelchair friend. They wanted some free Lucky Aide candy, I said no, next thing I know, it's like D Day here.
Lois: Malcolm, get in here!
Craig: You'd think I'd be the last person he'd target after I forgave your family for burning my old place down, which I'd like to remind you, I hardly ever mention.
Lois: Craig, I am so sorry!
Craig: Well, boys will be boys. All I want is for him to come over and clean it up. And if he could stop and get me a non-fat latte along the way, that would be great.

Reese: Hey, Dewey, I want you to know there's no hard feelings about the last couple of weeks. [quietly] Because you're gonna suffer every day for the next ten years.

Reese: Jackie's been driving for, like, half an hour. Her turn is over.
Jackie: It's only been 10 minutes, Reese.
Reese: No, it hasn't. I've been timing you. You've been driving exactly 27 minutes. You're gonna start using up my turn.
Jackie: When did you learn to tell time?
Reese: Face. It's digital.
Jackie: Ugh, I can't believe I have to be in the same car as a low life like you.
Reese: Oh, I'm a low life? You're the one who spends everyday at lunch sucking on a straw that's been under my armpit.
Jackie: You pig!

Craig: Malcolm, you can't connect those cables, their impedance values aren't equal. You'll get a reflected transmission.
Malcolm: That's what the high-speed scan modulation is for. Trust me, 480P is more than enough to take care of it.
Craig: Then I can't use the analogue pre-amp to play my SACDs. You're tired, you're not thinking right.
Malcolm: Did it ever occur to you that I might be using single-ended interconnects for the front left-right speakers?
Craig: Are you mad? You can't do that!
Malcolm: Just watch me. [to camera] I know it sounds weird, but this is the most fulfilling conversation I've had in weeks.

Jackie: So, let's see, you've got grand theft auto, malicious crashing and what else? Oh, yeah, kidnapping me! I always knew you'd go to prison, I just figured it'd be after prom.
Reese: Will you shut up and let me think about this!
Jackie: Do you realize you are driving 20mph on a freeway?
Reese: Hey, I am not getting a speeding ticket on top of everything else. Now, will you just leave me alone for a couple of minutes and let me figure this out? [sirens wail]
Jackie: Ha!
Reese: OK, don't panic, it's just a cop, that's nothing. You can handle one stupid cop. [a series of cop cars fan out on the road behind] Oh, man! [keeps driving]
Jackie: What are you doing? Aren't you pulling over?
Reese: I don't know. I think I'm still going.
Jackie: Reese, if you're being chased by the cops and they say pull over, you have to do it. That's the law!
Reese: Yeah, well, even so...
Jackie: You can't- You know, that's a really good plan, Reese. There's just one little problem with it. This is a driver's ed car! [the passenger-side "brake" was just taped on] Oh, those cheap sons of-

Craig: Another half turn. Easy. Easy, don't strip it. Got it. Beautiful. Now all we have to do is adjust it.
Malcolm: Congratulations.
Craig: [chuckles] I got to admit it was pretty hairy there, especially with the hub connectors.
Malcolm: Stripping quarter inch off the leads was inspiring.
Craig: I hardly even remember it. I was running on pure adrenaline.
Malcolm: You know, Craig, I gotta tell you, this was a lot of fun. I actually enjoyed spending time with you. You didn't have to lie to get me over here.
Craig: Yes, I did.
Malcolm: Yeah, OK, but you wouldn't now. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you know, I'm sorry for all the times we made you miserable.
Craig: It's OK.
Malcolm: You're a good guy. I like you.
Craig: [emotional] Run down and check the signal, will ya?
Malcolm: OK.
Craig: And try not to screw it up, buddy.