Lois: Come on, Reese. We're don't want to be late. We're doing the mambo tonight. I'll be home about 10:30.
[Hal groans as he struggles to open a jar of pickles]
Lois: What are you doing?
Hal: Is it too much to ask that we get some pickles in this house that are edible?!
Lois: Hal, what's wrong?
Hal: Nothing. Just- Just go to your class.
Lois: Look, you have been snapping at everybody all week. My class can wait one minute. Now, you tell me what's going on.
Hal: [sighs] All right. This thing happened. And I didn't wanna talk about it because I wasn't sure it actually happened and if it didn't I'd be like the biggest jerk in the world for saying it did when it didn't. I'd be creating this whole big issue, but the more I think about it, the more I know... it did happen. Oh, it did!

Hal: Oh, we like to think the differences people have aren't really differences at all, but then suddenly you're on the outside being taken advantage of because you're different!
Lois: Honey, I'm sorry, I gotta go. We can talk later. Bye.

Abe: [on phone] "Hello?"
Hal: Abe, it's Hal.
Abe: [on phone] "Please leave a message after the beep."
Hal: ... Abe, it's Hal. I don't know if this is recording, but we have something we need to talk. Now, I could be mistaken, and if I am, I'm sure it's gonna make me sound like... [beep]... I'm an idiot. [Hal groans]

Malcolm: Dad, Stevie's being really annoying. He's filming everything I do.
Stevie: Malcolm's...
Hal: Dammit, Stevie, I don't wanna hear it! You just behave yourself. You are a guest in this house!
[later:]
Abe: He was a guest in your house! People should never yell at children! Especially children that aren't their own!
Hal: I apologized two minutes later! And Stevie accepted the apology! You know, he's not that fragile. So why don't you just relax!
Malcolm: Really.
Stevie: What?

Abe: Now, listen, we didn't gang up on you! You just stink at poker!
Hal: Oh, is that right?
Malcolm: That was a cheap shot.
Stevie: The truth... hurts.
Hal: If we were playing in a straight game, I would have mop the floor with you.
Abe: We did play in a straight game. And you went home crying to your momma!
Hal: Well, why don't we play right now and we'll see who will do the crying and who will do the mopping. I will own you! I- I mean... I didn't mean... I meant-
Abe: Oh, shut up and get the cards.

Hal: All right, we're gonna end this right here. Winner take all.
Abe: Fine.
Hal: Turn 'em up.
Abe: Three fives!
Hal: Three fives with a jack. [all cheer]
Abe: That makes six fives. What the hell kind of deck has six fives?!
Hal: I don't know. I got them from the boys' room.
Abe: You call yourself a poker player? You don't even have a decent deck!
Hal: Well, I'm sorry I don't have solid gold playing cards like you're accustomed to at your house!
Abe: This poor-guy act is getting a little tiring.
Hal: Your superior act is getting a little old, too.
Abe: Well, if I'm such a big jerk, why'd you come over?!
Hal: Pardon me for wanting to play poker with my best friend! I mean, I- I was really excited to come over and play poker and... meet your other friends.
Abe: Truth be told, I was excited for you to come over, too. I bought a new shirt.
Hal: That Hawaiian one? [Abe nods] I like that one.
Abe: Why are we fighting like this?
Hal: Because we're idiots! [both chuckle] Well, boys, what do you say we all go out, get some ice cream?
Abe: Sounds good to me.

Reese: See this, ladies? Mrs. Angelo gets her dance. As for the rest of you, I am not running a charity. You have to come up with the dough. I do not dance on credit. No offence, but some of you might not even be around next week.
[As Dewey films Reese through the window of the dance studio, the hamster ball rolls along the street behind him]

Reese: So, Dewey, how come you're not playing with your toy? What are you smiling about?
[video of Reese dancing with old women plays on the TV]
Reese: Where did you get this?!
Dewey: Have a seat. In a minute you and Mrs Johnson do the forbidden dance. [Reese goes to grab the tape] You think that's the only copy? What do you take me for? Enjoy your assembly tomorrow.

Lavernia: If the weather report's right this storm will last a week. Now, you ration these supplies. Make no mistake, you're the last ones we'll dig out.
Francis: We're supposed to live for a week on meat paste and caribou jerky?!
Lavernia: Hey, that's a week I don't get any work out of you! No-one's cryin' for me!

Abe: Now, it's just a friendly game. Mostly we sit around talking and eventually we get around to playing cards.
Hal: Sounds good to me. I'm looking forward to meeting your friends.
[Abe and Hal stand in front of the poker table where Abe's four Black friends are already seated]
Abe: Everybody, this is Hal.