Craig: Doing laundry, huh?
Lois: Yes, Craig.
Craig: Well, don't even think of doing my stuff. I'm the only guy that handles my used underpants, thank you very much. Of course, shame to waste electricity if you got the room.

Malcolm: Okay, Mom, we thought about it and we understand that you're worried about us getting hurt, so we promise we'll always wear helmets when we ride the minibike.
Reese: And in addition to the helmets, we'll also wear elbow and knee pads, no matter how dorky we look.
Dewey: And we'll only ride it in the park.
Malcolm: And only under your supervision when you say so and when you're with us.
Lois: No.
Malcolm: Wait!
Lois: No!
Malcolm: This isn't fair! You don't get to just say no!
Lois: Yes, I do.
Malcolm: No, you don't! You can't just make a blanket statement that covers everything. There has to be some scenario where you'll let us ride the bike. I mean, what if I was a trained athlete who practiced on a simulator for 15 years and wore Kevlar body armor in a field of marshmallows?
Lois: I would still say no. Now stop bothering me.

Lois: Boys! I need some help! Oh. What's this?
Malcolm: Looks like a picture of you on a horse. What were you, about Dewey's age?
Lois: What are you doing with this?
Malcolm: This looks awfully dangerous. Look at that. No padding, no helmet. Did you ever fall?
Lois: What does this have to do with...?
Dewey: We're asking the questions.
Malcolm: So, according to your logic, a two-foot fall from a minibike is more dangerous than a six-foot fall from a galloping horse?
Lois: That was a long time ago.
Malcolm: Before gravity?
Lois: I don't have time for this right now. I have to get ready... I have to go to work.

Malcolm: We did it! It worked! We've got Mom!
Reese: What?
Malcolm: There's a chink in the armor! We're going to do it! If we just play it cool, have a little patience, we'll have the minibike by the end of the week!
Reese: No, we won't. It's broken.
Malcolm: What?
Reese: I snuck it out for a ride. And you know what? They are dangerous. [lifts pillow to reveal swollen leg] You think Mom will notice?

Malcolm: You moron! Do you have any idea what you've done? We were so close! We had her!
Reese: That's what I figured. I wouldn't have taken it otherwise. I'm not an idiot.
Malcolm: I can't believe you would... How was it?
Reese: It was awesome. I looked really cool doing it. I could see my reflection in the car windows right up until I hit the mailbox.
Dewey: Sometimes you just embarrass me.
Reese: It's okay. Mom doesn't have to find out. I'll be fine. My leg's really starting to feel better.
Malcolm: Let's see it. [pokes Reese's leg]
Reese: Ow!

Hal: I don't believe this. Francis... don't you care about anything?
Francis: What?
Hal: In a school filled with problem children, you're the worst one here.
Francis: Wait, that's not true. I can think of three other guys with longer records than I have.
Hal: We have worked and we've worked, trying anything we can think of to turn you around, but nothing seems to get through to you.
Francis: Come on, Dad.
Hal: No. You don't give a damn about anything but yourself! And, Francis, I don't like saying these things, but what am I supposed to do? I-I feel like I have to give up on my own son.
Francis: Dad...
Hal: You know, I can't even look at you right now.

Malcolm: [to camera] I can't believe that plan actually worked. We came up with it in, like, two seconds. Maybe we should do more things half-assed.

Lois: Hey, Reese, how's your leg?
Reese: Not bad. The pain goes away when I black out.
Lois: You guys want anything to drink?
Reese: Sure.
Malcolm: Great.
Dewey: All right.
Lois: One more thing. Did you really think I wouldn't notice a busted up minibike half-buried in the sandbox?
Craig: Jellybean and I are leaving now. Once again, I'm very sorry. I can't even look you people in the eye. [exits]
Lois: [to the boys] I think we'll call this one a wash.

Lois: I'm really going to miss you.
Hal: Oh... Come with me.
Lois: I can't. I'm not allowed. [Hal kisses Lois] It's fathers and sons only.
Hal: Well, I'll hide you. No one will know. You can be my dirty little secret. [they kiss]
Craig: Now this is nice. And don't you worry about a thing, Hal. I'll take as good care of your house as you did mine. I'm just kidding. I won't burn your house down. But that's all in the past. Totally forgotten. Better get going, though. Don't want to be late.
Hal: Thanks. Bye, honey.
Lois & Craig: Bye.

Malcolm: Wait! Wait. You can't throw that out.
Garbage Man: This? It's a piece of trash.
Reese: What are you talking about? That's not trash. You don't know what trash is.
Garbage Man: I am a garbage man.
Malcolm: Look, why don't you give us the bike? Maybe we can fix it up or something.
Garbage Man: What's it worth to you?
Malcolm: What? We don't have any money. You were just about to throw it away.
Reese: Give you 30 bucks.
Garbage Man: Done.
Malcolm: Where'd you get 30 bucks?
Reese: What are you, a cop?