Francis: You don't understand. All I did was take a doughnut out of a dumpster. How is that stealing? I had to fight a cat to get it!
Sheriff Chad: Well, the restaurant owner wants to press charges. There's nothing I can do. Look, I know the guy. He's a bit of a hothead, but I promise you he'll lose interest in four or five days. [jail cell slams shut]
Francis: Four or five days? I have to start a logging job up in and I'm late as it is!
Sheriff Chad: It won't be bad. Three meals a day courtesy of my wife. You look like you could use some home cooking.
Vanessa: What would you like for dinner, chicken or a nice porterhouse steak?
Francis: Porterhouse, I guess.
Sheriff Chad: Oh, you're gonna love her cooking!
Vanessa: Well, thank you!
[As Vanessa hugs her husband, Sheriff Chad, she makes a kissing gesture at his colleague, Deputy Brock]

Dewey: This is Ronnie Demarco. As you can see, he's real. [pinches Ronnie's arm]
Ronnie: Ow!
Dewey: Hm! Interesting! We'll be in my room.

Dewey: I can't believe how much stuff you have. You wanna play cowboys?
Ronnie: No, I hate cowboys. You can have 'em.
Dewey: Really? Thanks! No take-backs.

Mrs. Demarco: I was thinking Ronnie would like a Star Wars theme for his party.
Dewey: No, do cowboys!
Mrs. Demarco: What?
Dewey: Cowboys. He likes cowboys better than Star Wars.
Mrs. Demarco: OK, that'll be fun. Thank you, Dewey. ["zips mouth shut"]

Lois: Mr. Herkabe just called. He said you got Cs in your last two tests and you didn't even turn in your history paper. I warned you about this, Malcolm.
Malcolm: Mom, this has nothing to do with Sara. I just forgot. I'm doing it now, OK?
[When Lois leaves Malcolm's room, he pulls the cordless telephone out of his backpack]
Malcolm: [on the phone] So, what kind of socks are you wearing? Yeah, I like those. Which shoes are you wearing? Not the sneakers? How about your boots? Your sandals! God, I totally love all your shoes! Yeah, I guess I have homework to do, too. You hang up first. No, you hang- [dialing tone] Hello?

Dewey: Hi, Mrs. Demarco. Sorry to bother you, but the nanny put too much banana in my smoothie.
Mrs. Demarco: Oh, we'll fix that, honey. I just booked the cowboy! He's gonna be passing out cowboy hats and making balloon animals.
Dewey: Does he do trick shooting?
Mrs. Demarco: Well, if he doesn't, I'm sure we can find someone who does.
Dewey: I bet Ronnie would like a moon bounce, too.

Malcolm: [to camera] This relationship is finally starting to make sense. For a while all we did is fight and make out, then fight, then make out. But that's all behind us. We were screaming at each other five minutes ago. Now it just feels so right. [to Sara] Wait, what are you doing? Where are you going?
Sara: Home. We've been kissing for two hours, my face is sore.
Malcolm: [to camera] Yeah, she's right. We can't make out all day. We've both got our own things to do. She's so smart when it comes to these things. [to Sara] If you're seeing someone else just tell me!
Sara: What?!
Malcolm: I-I'm sorry. I don't know where that came from.
Sara: Look, I've gotta go home. I'll call you tonight.

Dewey: OK, only two invitations left. Ronnie's gonna have a moon bounce and a make-your-own-sundae car.
Boy #1: I'll go.
Dewey: Maybe you will. What kind of present would you bring?
Boy #1: Skateboard?
Dewey: Excellent choice!
Boy #2: Ronnie already has a brand new skate board.
Dewey: Why don't you let me worry about Ronnie?

Hal: Malcolm, look. Come on. Come on. I can't feel my fingers. Hey, I'll go get us some punch, how's that sound? [Malcolm silently stares ahead] You know, son, this is all part of growing up. You're just gonna have to get used to it.
Malcolm: [to himself] No, I don't. I can go back. I can go back! [enters the bouncy house]
Dewey: What are you doing?
Malcolm: I'm gonna play.
Dewey: You can't! You're too big!
Malcolm: No, I'm not. I'm going back.
Dewey: No, you're too big! You're going to ruin my party!