Francis: This is ridiculous! The wolves had me tree-ed for half an hour. I've just about- Ow! You can't treat us like this! This is inhuman! We are citizens! This is America! Isn't it?

Hal: You've been stealing money from the church?!
Malcolm: And maybe some merchandise.
Hal: [gasps] You boys, you've been taking stereos, toys... Is that cheese? Oh. [flails] I need to sit. [gasps] Oh, my God!
Malcolm: Dewey, get a washcloth!
Hal: My boys are thiefs!
Reese: Here you go, Dad. [puts an oxygen mask in Hal's mouth] Nice and even.
Hal: You stole air?! What is wrong with you boys? Do you ever stop and think of the consequences of anything that you do?! Do you realize the shame you're going to bring on our entire family? Do you?!
Reese: Forget that, what's Mom gonna say?!

Reese: [changing channels] No. No. No. Wait. No. No.
Malcolm: Gimme that! [grabs remote] No. No. No. Wait. No. No.
Lois: Hi, boys. Got a second? You boys really have a pretty good life.
Malcolm: [to camera] Uh-oh.
Lois: You spend your days flying kites, playing video games. It's about time you found something to do to enrich your lives.
Reese: When did we have kites?!
Lois: I could never live with myself if my boys grew up to be selfish little pigs. So I decided to volunteer you to do a little charity work. You can choose between helping old people, or helping poor people. [the boys are silent] Or I can make you do both.
Reese: Okay. Old people. [Malcolm nudges Reese] What can be bad about old people? [Malcolm whispers in Reese's ear] Poor people! We want poor people!

Hal: All right, what we're gonna do is sneak this stuff back into the church, and no-one will ever know this happened.
Reese: You know, the church just left us alone with all that stuff. I think it was entrapment!
Hal: Reese, I don't want to hear any more excuses! [engine splutters] Oh, damn!
Dewey: It's God, he found us.
Hal: It's not God, Dewey. It's just my crappy car. Although, in a larger sense, I suppose he could have helped out my career a bit from time to time, thrown a promotion my way once in a while. So you're right, maybe it is God!
Malcolm: Hey, I don't want to scare anyone, but this is the street Mom takes home from work, and she finishes work in ten minutes.

Hal: Lois, are you about done?
Lois: No!
Hal: Well, you're gonna have to get out. I'm late for work.
Lois: Hal, I am not cutting my shower short because you can't get out of bed in the morning.
Hal: I can get out of bed just fine if someone didn't turn off my snooze alarm!
Lois: That alarm went off every six minutes for an hour! What are you doing?
Hal: I'm getting in, Lois!
Lois: You are not! You will get your shower when I'm finished.
[Hal and Lois tussle over the shower curtain before looking at each other:]
[cut to:]
Hal: [on the phone] I don't think I'll be able to come in today! I've got a pretty severe fever, scratchy throat... [Lois's foot tickles Hal's ear] Cough. [coughs]

Francis: Hi. I'm Francis. Mr. Price said I should see you. [Lavernia is silent] Oh! I can't believe how cold it is up here! Course it is Alaska, but still... you'd think they could dome the place, or put tunnels in between the buildings. So, you must know my buddy Eric... Hansen. He's the one who set me up with logging job. [sighs] Do you give out the axes? 'cause I'm a lefty if that makes any difference? [Lavernia holds up a broom] What's that?
Lavernia: It's a broom, genius. Now, grab an apron, sweep out my pantry, and quit starin' at my bosom!
Francis: No, you don't understand. Um, I came here to work as a logger.
Lavernia: Let me tell you a little something about loggers. They're filthy, drunken, low-life swine, and you are their slave. You will feed them, do their laundry and clean out their privys. You don't steal, you don't back talk, and you don't socialize with the Eskimos.
Francis: Okay?
Lavernia: What'd I say about back-talk?
Francis: Eric?
Eric: Francis?!
Francis: What's goin' on? I thought you said
Eric: [sobs loudly]
Lavernia: [o.s.] I don't hear sweepin'!

Reese: Why are we organizing trash?!
Malcolm: It's not trash. It's stuff people have donated to the poor.
Dewey: Look, Reese, it's just like yours.
Malcolm: Yeah, except it's nicer. It doesn't have holes in it.
Reese: Yeah, well, this jacket is better than yours!
Malcolm: You're right. Everything in here is better than our stuff!
Reese: Haha! You're poor!
Dewey: No wonder I never got a rocket sled.
Malcolm: What are you doing?
Reese: Trading!
Malcolm: I'm not sure you're allowed-
Reese: Look at it this way. I'm making a donation. Instead of one poor person getting a new shirt, now two poor people get one. What's wrong with that?

Malcolm: What are you doing?
Reese: Trading again. A backpack for a backpack.
Malcolm: Dewey, wait! A yo-yo isn't equal to a GameBoy.
Dewey: What if I throw in my Mightyman.
Reese: OK, two toys for one seems fair.
Malcolm: Yeah. I mean, as long as what we trade is equal, it seems... Whoa, check these out!
[Malcolm find a pristine new sneaker and holds up his dirty, battered one]
Malcolm: Is this fair?
Reese: Think of it this way, when you add in the value of the work we're doing, we're still way ahead.

Reese: My god, high school's brutal! They don't care how much homework you get in other classes. They just keep heaping it on!
Lloyd: Is Monday OK?
Reese: Make it Friday. I don't wanna ruin your weekend.

Dabney: Oh. I lost the crystal off my watch.
Lloyd: Didn't your parents give you that?
Malcolm: There's one like this down at the church.
Dabney: Really? Could you get it for me?
Malcolm: Sure. As long as you donate something of equal or greater value.
Dabney: Okay. How about this aftershave? Mom got it for me for parties and dances. Poor deluded woman!
Malcolm: Sold.