Hal: Okay, Dewey, you set the table with the box of candy. Now it's time to reap your reward.
Dewey: She's not going to feel like I'm trying to buy her, is she?
Hal: Let me teach you a valuable lesson about women, Dewey. They think they deserve everything you give them. They all like to think they're special... even the ones that aren't. Now go.

Claire: Hello, Lois.
Lois: [to Jamie] Hi, sweetie. I made you a snack in the kitchen.
Claire: What a day. Jamie was fine, but I got that horrible ringing in my ear. It was just dreadful. Do you ever get that? Well, you're blessed if you don't. I never noticed those cushions before. They're darling. What did you pay for them? They look so comfortable. Mind if I try 'em out? [sits down]
Lois: I'd like you to go now, Claire.
Claire: Oh, good, because I have a ton of things to do. You know how it is, though, something always comes up.
Lois: What I would like is for you to be in your own house now.
Claire: Boy, so would I. I really have to clean my bathroom tile grout. It's disgusting.
Lois: Get your fat butt out of my house!
Claire: [chuckles] Oh, Lois, you're so funny. Although, I could lose a little weight here...
Lois: Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! [screams] Get out!
Claire: Wow. Where did that come from?
Lois: I have put up with this this long because I needed you for Jamie, but I've had it, lady. I'll send you a check for the money I owe you, and after that, I never want to see your face again.
Claire: Well, now, I...
[After Lois slams the front door on Claire, she comes in 'round the back door:]
Claire: Okay, I'm glad we finally got all that out in the open, 'cause now that we know we have issues, we can talk about them.

Mr. Herkabe: You can't do this. Just because I missed one stupid gym class! [Janitor rips Herkabe's name off the plaque]
Mr. Hodges: It is a dark day for North High, but given recent information that has come to our attention regarding the previous GPA record holder and his failure to meet the physical education requirement, I have no choice. I take no pleasure... [smiles for photograph]... in the pain this unfortunate incident has caused, but rules are rules. So, I am directing that this plaque be returned to Edna Fornby, who though blind and crippled, managed to pass gym. [Mr. Herkabe shoves the photographer]
Malcolm: Tough break, Mr. Herkabe.
Mr. Herkabe: I know it was you, Malcolm. And I wouldn't be so quick to gloat. I'm not defeated yet. I'm like Napoleon at St. Helena, plotting my return.
Malcolm: You mean Elba. He died on St. Helena.
Mr. Herkabe: Oh, shut up! I have to call Mother before she hears it from someone else.

Malcolm: What are you doing here?
Mr. Herkabe: Reclaiming what is rightfully mine. Once I complete this course, they'll be forced to reinstate me.
Malcolm: You can't take a class 20 years later.
Mr. Herkabe: Who is being petty, now, Malcolm? No, no, no. You will soon discover what my cable guy learned the hard way... you can't defeat Lionel Herkabe. You see, Malcolm- [Herkabe is knocked down by a ball thrown by Reese]
Reese: Hey, Mr. Herkabe. How do you like dodge ball?
Mr. Herkabe: Oh, no, wait, wait, wait, wait! [Herkabe groans as Reese throws another ball at him] You are just making yourself look weak and foolish!
Reese: I might stop hitting you if you dance like a monkey.
Mr. Herkabe: Like like this?
Reese: You call that a monkey dance? [knocks Herkabe down with another ball]
Malcolm: [to camera] Some things you don't do for trophies. You treasure them here where it counts the most.
Mr. Herkabe: You think that hurt? That didn't hurt. [Reese throws another ball] Oh, God, make it stop!
Malcolm: No one can take that away. [Herkabe groans]

Donna: Sorry to bother you. I'm Claire's sister, Donna.
Lois: Oh, hi. Hi. Come on in.
Donna: I don't want to impose. I just want to thank you for being so nice to my sister. She often spoke of you.
Lois: Oh. Well, you know, I thought the world of her.
Donna: Come on now, Lois. I think we both know that Claire required a certain amount of patience. Am I right? [chuckles] Anyway, you wouldn't believe the flight I took coming here. First, they grounded the plane, which, you know, you think, better they do that than trying to fly it with something wrong. Then they said they're going to fix it, and I'm thinking, oh!
Lois: You know, Donna, I'm sorry, but you happened to catch me at a really busy time.
Donna: Oh, you think you're busy, try planning a funeral. Not that I'm complaining

Hal: You're still mad at me?
Dewey: You threw at my head, Dad.
Hal: It was a brushback pitch, Dewey. I got to protect the plate or you're gonna be taking me downtown all day.

Hal: What was that about?
Dewey: That's Gina. She's from my class.
Hal: Do you like her?
Dewey: I don't know. I guess so.
Hal: Well, you played it cool, son. Maybe too cool.

Claire: Feel this shoulder, Lois. It's like a sack of burning jelly in there. Go ahead, give it a squeeze.
Lois: It is spongier than the thing on your back.

Lois: This is Claire, Jamie's new babysitter.
Claire: I just moved into the Franklin's old house.
Hal: Hey, that's a nice place.
Claire: It is, it is. On the outside. Of course it's full of dry rot. I must have called the guy fifty times-
Lois: Claire was just leaving.
Hal: Well, heck, why don't you stay and have dinner with us?
Claire: No, no. Got to run.

Claire: It's called leaky gut. [Hal enters]
Lois: Hal. Why don't we go out to dinner? Doesn't that sound good?
Hal: Well, I'm helping Dewey with a project, hon. Why don't you go with Claire?
Claire: When it's quiet, you can hear it dripping. Hear that?