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Malcolm's Money

‘Malcolm's Money’

Season 7, Episode 10 -  Aired January 6, 2006

Hal talks Lois into spending grant money that was sent to Malcolm. Meanwhile, Reese starts spending time at a retirement home, and Malcolm is unhappy with his yearbook photo.

Quote from Hal

Hal: Honey, you are looking at this all wrong. We will pay him back. We are like a bank. And banks don't give you back the same exact money that you gave them. They use it, and then pay you back with different money later on. It's what makes our economy the envy of the world.
Lois: I don't know. It just seems wrong.
Hal: Look at it as a forced savings plan. We're actually doing him a favor. Lois, I can honestly say that I was not a good father to Malcolm until I forged his signature on that check.
Lois: And we're going to pay him back, right?
Hal: Absolutely. Every cent we spend. Plus interest. With no hidden handling fees. [Hal flashes the cash]
Lois: Okay.
Hal: Good. Honey, we have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of here. Okay, you go back into the house. I'll follow in 30 seconds. Go on!


Quote from Hal

Lois: [runs tap] Four, three, two... brown... clear... brown again... good.
Dewey: What about this watch, Dad? It's only $12.99.
Hal: That's where they get you, son. See, it says $12.99, but that doesn't include the hidden costs. Shipping, handling, box tops... By the time you're through you're paying on the high side of $15. I've never owned a $15 watch.
Dewey: But I need one, Dad!
Hal: Son, a cork and a piece of string make a perfectly fine sundial and a great conversation piece with the ladies.

Quote from Lois

Lois: I've done something very bad.
Hal: What?
Lois: There was this antique store across the street from the bank. And I saw this dollhouse in the window. And the next thing I knew, I was walking out with it. It was like that money in my pocket killed the old Lois and replaced her with a crazy person...
Hal: It's okay, honey. I mean, so what if you spent a couple hundred dollars on a dollhouse? It's no big deal. Now, where's the rest of the money?
Lois: There isn't any.
Dewey: What?!
Hal: You- You spent ten thousand dollars on a stupid dollhouse?!
Lois: They wanted 12. But look, Hal, it has a tiny little dumbwaiter, and the lights really work.
[Sparks fly when Lois turns the dollhouse's lights on, causing it to catch fire. Hal grabs the burning dollhouse and takes it to the sink, but the water fails to come on as the dollhouse burns.]

Quote from Dewey

Lois: Hi, Dewey. How was school?
Dewey: Terrible! I missed the school bus because I didn't know what time it was, and then I was late for a spelling test because I didn't know what time it was, and then David Klausner beat me up because I didn't know what time it was!
Lois: You want to know what time it is, Dewey? It's half past a roof over your head, clean clothes, and three meals a day. That's what time it is!
Dewey: Let me tell you something, Mom. The roof leaks, the clothes are hand-me-downs, and the food stinks!
Lois: Room!
Dewey: Dirty!

Quote from Hal

Lois: I got an estimate for the new pipes! Think of it, Hal. Clean water, on demand, the decision of hot or cold water entirely up to us!
Hal: Yes, well, we could spend the money on new pipes, or we could put a down payment on her.
Lois: Where did you get this?
Hal: At the boat show.
Lois: Boat show?
Hal: Lois, I was on my way to work, when all of a sudden I see this giant billboard for the boat show, only 60 miles away! Now I'm not saying there's an invisible hand guiding our lives, but what are the odds?
Lois: We're not wasting the money on a boat.
Hal: It's not wasting, it's investing! A boat is a money-maker, Lois. Do you know how many opportunities we have missed out on because we weren't traveling in the right circles? Where are all the connections being made, the elbows being rubbed, the deals going down? The yacht club!

Quote from Malcolm

Lois: Malcolm, aren't you having your yearbook picture taken today?
Malcolm: Yep.
Lois: Well, don't you think it would be nice to get a little dressed up for it?
Malcolm: Why? I'm never going to see these people again. They're just a bunch of shallow jerks who don't care about anything but who's instant-messaging who, and who's going to the stupid Moonlight Dance. A bunch of kids in formal clothes, barefoot on the beach... It's just pathetic. And I wouldn't have gone even if they told me about it.

Quote from Hal

Hal: This is interesting. Our credit card company sent us a collection notice and an application for a new card. Oh, my God!
Lois: What is it?
Hal: It's a check for Malcolm for $10,000!
Lois: What?! You're joking!
Hal: No, no, no! It says it's from a McClellan Fellowship Genius Grant to further his education. No strings attached!
Lois: I can't believe it! This is fantastic!
Hal: It's amazing! I've never seen so many zeroes on that side of the decimal point.
Lois: Can you imagine what he could do with that?
Hal: Imagine what anyone could do with that! Imagine what we could do with that.

Quote from Hal

Hal: All I'm saying is that we can do a lot with this kind of money.
Lois: But it's not ours, Hal; it's Malcolm's.
Hal: Of course, it's Malcolm's. But we have to take a moment to think about what a teenager is going to do with $10,000. Well, you know he's just going to blow it all on Legos and penny candy. Besides, it's not like Dr. Braniac isn't gonna get a free ride to whatever college he wants to go to, right?
Lois: I don't think I like where this is going, Hal.
Hal: Lois, all I'm thinking about is protecting Malcolm. I mean, sure, he's got that brilliant mind, but right now it is being held hostage by gallons of crazy teenage hormones. All I'm saying is maybe we should hold onto this for a little while, before we decide what to do with it.
Lois: Yeah, but Hal...
Malcolm: [enters] Thanks, Mom, for letting me go to picture day dressed like this. You made me look like a total jackass! It's not your picture; you don't care what I look like. Any mail for me?
Lois: No.

Quote from Reese

Reese: Geez, my feet are killing me.
Nick: I told you, you gotta let the blood drip into your shoes. Once it coagulates, then it's like walking on puffy clouds.
Reese: Look at all these people, sitting here, just waiting for death.
Nick: Yeah, I'd like to show those animal rights whackos this place. This is exactly what would happen to cows if it wasn't for us. Wait here. I'm gonna get someone to sign for the delivery.
[Reese sits down on the couch between a sleeping old man and a vegged out old woman]
Reese: [to old man] Thanks for beating Hitler. Now we're gonna watch something else. [changes channel] [takes woman's yogurt] Thank you. This is pretty sweet. Man, it's true what they say... old age is wasted on the old.

Quote from Malcolm

Photographer: Sorry, pal, you had your chance.
Malcolm: No, you have to take my picture again. Please! I thought I didn't care what people think of me, but I do. I really do!
Photographer: Look, kid, I'm making 20 cents a head, and re-shoots come out of my pocket. That adds up to "I don't give a crap."
Malcolm: Don't blame me that you're a no-talent clown who couldn't even cut it at Sears! I'm not going anywhere until you take my picture!
Photographer: Fine. Let's go. Let's just get rid of some of that shine. [applies make-up then takes photograph]
Malcolm: What did you do?! I look terrible!
Photographer: It looks pretty good to me. But that's just one clown's opinion. Next!

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