Claire: Lois, hello, it's me, Claire.
Lois: Hey, come on in. Hi, sweetie. Claire, you are a godsend. Thank you for taking him on such short notice. Is this schedule gonna work for you?
Claire: Oh, good Lord, Lois. Any schedule works for me. What have I got to do with my time? Poke around a big, empty house, waiting for one of my kids to call? We both know that's not gonna happen. Boy, you know, you raise them, you put the through college, and loan them money to buy a house, and suddenly, they don't need you anymore. God forbid you should express a need to them. I could tell you stories...
Lois: Bet you could.
Claire: Yeah.
Lois: Well. Again, thank you.
Claire: I'm glad to do it, honestly. Takes my mind off my shingles. [gasps] Good Lord, you've never felt pain like that in all your waking days. It's just dreadful. Did I tell you about the pain?
Lois: I think you did this morning.
Claire: It's worse than my arthritis, which is crippling. It feels like someone's stabbing you all over with tiny, razor-sharp knives. Oh, pray God you never get it, Lois. Oh, listen to me just going on and on about myself. [chuckles] Wind me up and I can talk all day.
Lois: Well, like I said, I have a million things to do.
Claire: You know, so do I. [removes coat] So do I. I have laundry stacked up just waiting for me. [sits down] And I have so neglected my scrapbooking that it's a scandal. Do you scrapbook, Lois? They've got these really cute kits. It's a lot of fun. My niece Terri - well, she prefers Teresa, but she's a Terri. Anyway, she got me started on it. Well, what else is she gonna do with herself? She's barren, poor thing.

Hal: Hey, Dewey, look at this. I got the microwave to work without closing the door.
Dewey: That's great, Dad.

Claire: I hope it wasn't too much trouble cooking for my special diet, Lois. It's been a bit of an adjustment after the doctors took out six feet of my colon. You know what I call it now?
Lois: [quietly] My semicolon.
Claire: [laughs] My semicolon!
Lois: Claire, I really have to go to sleep now.
Claire: Oh, God, I wish I could sleep. I toss and turn all night. I start off on my stomach, then I flip over to my back. No, wait, no. I start on my back... [Lois breaks a plate in half] I flip over to my stomach...

Claire: Lois, I was just gonna bring Jamie home.
Lois: Thought I'd save you the trip. Come on, Jamie. [walks quickly] Thanks, Claire. See you tomorrow.
Claire: Won't you come in?
Lois: I'd love to, but I have such a busy schedule.
Claire: I understand.
[cut to Claire following Lois and Jamie into their house:]
Claire: Busy, busy, busy. No one has any time anymore. Oh, my goodness, I walked you all the way home. [takes coat off] You get out of those work clothes, and I'll make some tea.

Hal: So, did you, uh, talk to Gina?
Dewey: No.
Hal: Oh. It's just that you said you would talk to her later, and... I mean, if I remember, she remembers.
Dewey: Maybe I'll talk to her tomorrow.
Hal: Tomorrow? Gee, Dewey, if I'm Gina, I don't know what's going on.
Dewey: It's no big deal, Dad.
Hal: Dewey, come here. Look, I know it's not easy figuring this stuff out. You want to be with her, but you just don't know what to say, and you feel like such a doofus.
Dewey: I know.
Hal: So here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna go in the house right now and call her.
Dewey: Right now?
Hal: Or you could wait till you're old, toothless, alone, living in a welfare hotel, hoping the couple screaming next door invites you over to dinner sometime. It's up to you.

Malcolm: Reese. I think it's terrible what Herkabe's been putting you through in class. I really feel bad about the way he's treating you.
Reese: I'll bet I could make you feel worse! [punches Malcolm]

Mr. Herkabe: Okay, class, we'll start this morning with an oral quiz. Who was the victor in the disputed presidential election of 1896. Um... Malcolm? [Malcolm is silent] Surely you know this.
Malcolm: [quietly] Tilden.
Mr. Herkabe: What was that?
Malcolm: Tilden!
Mr. Herkabe: That's incorrect.
Reese: What an idiot! Monkey dance! Monkey dance! Monkey dance! Monkey dance! Monkey dance! Monkey dance!

Hal: We have a problem.
Dewey: What?
Hal: Some wavy-haired blond boy was chatting up Gina at the bike racks after school.
Dewey: Don't you work, Dad?
Hal: Never mind that. The point is, you should have been there.
Dewey: It was probably Stephan. He's no threat.
Hal: I saw him, Dewey. He's an Adonis! Okay, what you need here is some sort of romantic gesture.
Dewey: What do you mean?
Hal: Just off the top of my head, you could send her a nice box of expensive chocolates.
Dewey: I'm not sure.
Hal: Too late. You already did. You just dropped off a big box on her front doorstep, rang the bell and ran like hell. You also trampled some of her rose bushes. Congratulations, son. You're in the game.

Lois: Hal, I have to do something about Claire. She is driving me crazy. [sees Hal assembling a romantic card] Oh, Hal, that is so sweet.
Hal: It's not for you.
Lois: [sighs] Didn't you learn your lesson with Francis?
Hal: That Jenny Thompson was a stuck-up snot.

Lois: Hal, I have bigger problems. I cannot stand that woman. Which normally isn't an issue, except, I can't afford to tell her off and lose her. She's good with Jamie, she's right down the street, she's incredibly cheap. She'd be perfect if she weren't the most annoying person on the face of the planet. I feel like the top of my head is going to explode if I hear her say another word.
Hal: What rhymes with dreamy?
Lois: Hal, for God's sake.
Hal: I heard what you said, Lois. Look, you just have to completely disengage with her. Take Jamie when she drops him off, nod pleasantly, you can even smile, and then, slam the door in her face. And don't beat yourself up over it. Some people are just crazy. Do we have any fun stickers?