Lois: Hal, you okay?
Hal: Whenever we'd fight, you'd yell, then I'd yell but then we would... you know? Well, you see, we haven't had a chance to because we're in that trailer with kids.
Lois: Oh, my God, Hal, you're right. Well, what are we going to do? We've got the kids...
Hal: I've got it all figured out.
[Hal takes out two gas masks]

Lois: Hal, that is the third bug I've seen today. You have got to call the exterminator!
Hal: What, and miss out on watching you hunt? You're like a sexy, bug-killing panther.

Mr. Inkster: And this is the living room.
Malcolm: [to camera] This is the biggest, nicest house I've ever seen! [to Mr. Inkster] Wow!
Mr. Inkster: Pomocanthus imperator. We call him Barney.
Mrs. Inkster: Malcolm? We saved you some dinner.
Malcolm: [to camera] Dinner? Me? Saved? Dinner?
Mrs. Inkster: We weren't sure which you liked better turkey or roast beef, so we fixed you a platter.
Malcolm: [to camera] Platter?!
Mr. Inkster: Okay, kids, what time is it?
Boy & Girl: Bedtime!
Boy: I'll race you!
Malcolm: They're going to bed? So you're just paying me to hang out here for three hours?
Mr. Inkster: Well, maybe three and a half. We'll round up to four, of course.
Malcolm: [to camera] Come on, there's got to be a catch!
Mr. Inkster: Oh, and Malcolm, you can't watch television... unless you turn on the satellite first. Otherwise, all you'll get is pornography.
Malcolm: [to camera] It's weird I think I'm having a spasm. The muscles in my face keep pulling on my mouth. Oh, I think I'm happy!

Hal: I just don't understand how it got so bad so fast.
Exterminator: Well, it's been pretty hot this year. That's part of it, but, uh mostly it's that giant pile of candy wrappers and half-eaten cereal boxes you have in your crawl space. It's like there's some kind of creepy hobo living down there.

Stanley: Whoa there really is a lost bomb shelter.
Francis: Wow, this is almost as exciting as that room full of folding chairs. Let's get out of here.
Stanley: Aw, come on, Francis. Don't you want to explore? We might find the abandoned furnace room or the old Civil War amputorium.
Francis: I didn't want to say this before but you've confirmed it. Marlin Academy is the most boring place on earth. We're not going to find anything interesting. [opens door] I take that back.

Malcolm: [to camera] I can't believe how much these people are paying me! [rubs money on face] I did the math I'm actually making more an hour than Mom does. [sighs contentedly] I got to stop doing this. It's creepy, right?

Stanley: "Lester."
Francis: Looks like he was the janitor. How long you think he's been down here?
Stanley: I'd say May of '85. [touches bones and licks fingers]
Francis: You can tell that by tasting?
Stanley: No, the date on the newspaper.
Francis: Then why did you lick him?
Stanley: How often do you get to taste a mummy?

Francis: We should tell someone about him.
Stanley: Uh, no, you can't do that. Commandant will know you took the key and he'll punish you and then he'll punish me and I'm going to have to punish you.
Francis: Yeah, but don't you think that's kind of sad? I mean, Lester's family will never know what happened to him. They probably still set a place for him on holidays.
Stanley: Yeah, well, judging by the empty scotch bottles and German dungeon porn, I don't think so.
Francis: [picks up tape] Damn. Beta.

Hal: I think you should apologize.
Lois: I didn't hear you apologize to me when you used up all the liquid in the chemical toilet.
Hal: Well, we have your taco casserole to thank for that, don't we?
Lois: Boys, will you step outside for second? Your father and I need a little privacy.
[Reese and Dewey step out of the trailer and Hal closes the door behind them]
Lois: [o.s.] Look, I didn't want to say anything in front of the boys but you are behaving like a giant ass!
Hal: [o.s.] Oh, really? Well, as long as we're on the subject of giant asses...

Mr. Inkster: Hey, you want to see something?
Malcolm: That's okay; I don't want to break it.
Mr. Inkster: Ah, don't be silly. Come, take a look.
Malcolm: Wow.
Mr. Inkster: That's a spiral galaxy.
Malcolm: [to camera] These people are amazing. They're rich, they're smart, they're polite... What are they going to do next, give me a million dollars?
Mrs. Inkster: Malcolm, do you want a million dollars?
Malcolm: What?!
Mrs. Inkster: I said, do you want a sandwich to take home?
Malcolm: Oh. [to camera] Close enough.