Lois: So, this is pretty exciting, Reese. When did you meet this girl?
Reese: I haven't actually met her. Her cousin goes to school with me, and Cindy saw me at the dance last week and thought I was hot.
Lois: Oh, well, I don't blame her. I mean, forgetting I'm your mother for a minute, if I saw you walking down the street, I would think, there is one hot guy.
Dewey: Yeesh.
Reese: Cindy and I talked on the phone almost every night last week, and we totally have the same sense of humor. She said she saw me put the plastic dog poop in the punch bowl at the school dance, and we both agreed that the real stuff would have been funnier.
Lois: You put plastic poop in the punch bowl?!
Reese: Once again, you completely miss the point.

Malcolm: Dad, you've got to do something. Mom has been stalking those girls who humiliated Reese like some kind of vigilante.
Hal: What? Are you sure about this?
Malcolm: Yes. She's nailed two of them so far, and she just climbed out of the bathroom window to go get the third.
Hal: This sounds like a lot of supposition, Malcolm. I mean, it would be a different story if you had hard evidence or an eyewitness.
Malcolm: I saw her at school today. She was there when these butchered dolls' heads rolled out of one of the girls' lockers.
Hal: And what exactly do you mean when you say you were "there"?
Malcolm: Dad, stop it. Don't you care?
Hal: Of course, I care, but I think what we need right now is caution and prudence. A proactive wait-and-see... if you will.
Malcolm: So you're not going to do anything?
Hal: Listen, when your mother gets like this, we need to vigilantly keep abreast of all the developments in a fully-engaged yet cautiously-detached...
Malcolm: Oh, forget it if you're not going to help me, then I'll just stop her myself, and you can stay here and play your ridiculous little game.
Hal: Good.

Lois: I need to talk to you.
Reese: Not now.
Lois: Please, I need to tell you something. I've been a terrible mother.
Reese: It's okay, Mom. I've known that for a long time.
Lois: No, you don't understand. When those girls humiliated you, instead of trying to comfort you and help you deal with your feelings, I just got caught up in my own anger and went on a rampage.
Reese: What?
Lois: All I was worried about was making them pay, and they did. But what disturbs me is how much I enjoyed crushing those three girls and watching them suffer. I tapped into some dark, ugly place inside of me. I was acting like... you. [scoffs] Oh, God, who am I kidding? I wasn't acting like you. I am you. [sobs] There's this horrible thing that's part of us that makes it seem okay to do really scary stuff. I must have gotten it from Grandma, and I passed it on to you, sweetie. And all I can say is I'm sorry. I'm deeply, deeply sorry.

Malcolm: Mom, what are you doing here?
Lois: I'm here to pick up some things for Reese. You know, so he can catch up on his school work.
Malcolm: I hope you rented a truck.
Lois: You know what? Everyone seems very amused by your brother's pain. Well, I think people better start thinking twice.
[When Diane opens her locker door, a large number of severed and defaced doll heads spill out]
Diane: Oh, my God! Who did this? [sobs] Moppet?! Baby?! [wails] No! No!
Malcolm: It's you! [Lois has disappeared]

Hal: It's just the way it is. Kids do cruel things to each other. But, you know, they bounce back when you're young. And I actually think that Reese is coming around a little bit. [Reese sobs and wails off-screen] Well, I brought him soup yesterday, and he couldn't even make a sound. Now, I really I really think thing's are going to turn out okay.
Lois: Are you trying to calm me down?
Hal: No. I just don't think it leads anywhere good when you get like this.
Lois: Get like what?
Hal: Well... you know.
Lois: No, I don't know. How is it I get?
Hal: Well...
Lois: If I have a problem, I would love for you to explain it to me.
Hal: You know what, honey? [starts walking away] This seems like a-a longer conversation, and it just so happens that I am right in the middle of a project in the garage. I'm fixing that drawer from our bathroom cabinet. You know how you've always had to keep your makeup brushes in the pockets of your robe? Well, I finally got around to it, and wouldn't you know, it's time for that second gluing. [closes door] But if you let it dry too much, you might as well make a bird's nest out of it. But then I'd have to sand it and paint it, and that's a whole different magilla. But when I'm done, we will roll up our sleeves, and we will get through this. [enters garage] I mean, if you have to vent, go ahead. I am your sounding board. I don't care if you have to bite my head off. It's okay, it's what I'm here for. I am your rock. You've always been there for me, and I'll be there for you... [sits down] ...even though physically, I may be in the garage, and you in the kitchen. No matter where I am, I'm there.

Lois: Hi, Malcolm. How was school?
Malcolm: Okay, I guess. Well, there was this one weird thing. This girl named Kristin, she's one of the girls that picked on Reese. You're not going to believe what happened to her.
[flashback to Kristin arriving at school on her scooter: As she tries to take her helmet off, bubblegum is stuck to her hair:]
Kristin: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh! My hair! Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Who did this?! Who did this?!
[present:]
Malcolm: They tried to get it all out, but I heard the janitor ended up having to cut off all her hair with a hedge trimmer.
Lois: [laughs] Really? [seriously] That's terrible. People can be so cruel.

Malcolm: There you are. You took off so fast from school, we didn't get a chance to talk about what happened to Diane.
Lois: I'm a very busy woman, Malcolm. It isn't easy running this household.
Malcolm: I can imagine cooking, shopping... cutting the heads off of dolls.
Lois: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Malcolm: Come on, Mom, it's pretty obvious what's going on here, and I think it's sick! Did you see Diane's reaction?
Lois: No, I didn't... Was she crying?
Malcolm: She had to be wrapped in a blanket and carried to the school nurse's office.
Lois: Terrible, just terrible. There's a salad in the fridge and you boys can make yourselves sloppy Joe's whenever you're hungry. I've got some errands to run.
Malcolm: Oh, "errands," right? I know what you're up to, Mom.
Lois: Oh, yes, Malcolm, you've caught me. I've got to return an overdue video, go to the cleaners, and pick up milk and cereal for the morning. Guilty as charged.
Malcolm: Oh, nice try. Now, I want you to look me in the eye and- [Lois closes the bathroom door] Mom, I know you're behind all this, and sooner or later you're going to have to talk to me.
Lois: [o.s.] For God's sake, Malcolm, can't I have a moment's rest?
Malcolm: No, you can't! Tell me, did it feel good to cut through Elmo's neck? Did it?! Mom? Mom? [opens door to find Lois gone and the window open]

Reese: There's one left?
Lois: No, Reese... That doesn't matter.
Reese: Yeah, yeah, I know that, Mom. I'm just trying to let it sink in. You know, that girl will be getting away with it.
Lois: She doesn't matter. What matters is us.
Reese: I get that stuff about us, Mom. That was amazing. I was just thinking about what must be going through her head. But you're right, it's not about her.
Lois: Exactly. What do you mean what's going on inside of her head?
Reese: You know, how she thinks she beat you. "I'm perfect, and I got away with it, and that tired, frumpy housewife just didn't have what it took to finish the job."

[As Paula and her date emerge from her house, Lois and Reese are hidden in the bushes with the catapult]
Lois: They're moving. Adjust left.
Reese: Adjusting left.
[After lining up the machine, Reese adds the paint balloon which hits Paula.]
Lois: Direct hit.
Paula: Oh, my God! [whines] Stop it! Make them stop! [Paula's boyfriend uses her as a shield] Let go of me you coward? Stop it! [cries]
Reese: This is nice. Just the two of us.
Lois: I was just thinking the same thing.
Paula: [whines] Stop it! Stop!

Dewey: So, what kind of loser would want to go out with you?
Reese: [holds up a photographer] This kind of loser.
Dewey: Wow.
Reese: And if she kisses half as good as her picture does, this is going to be sweet.