Lois: I want names. How many were there? [Reese holds up four fingers] Good. At least you can hear me now. Just nod when you see one.
[As Lois runs her finger along pictures in the yearbook, Reese whimpers and nods]
Lois: Kristin? [Reese whimpers] It's okay. She can't hurt you now.

Reese: [on the phone] No way! No way! That's awesome. Okay. I can't wait to see you. No, I can't wait to see you more. No, I can't wait to see you more. Okay, you win. [hangs up] All right, Cindy's only a few blocks away, so everybody calm down. When she gets here, just try to be cool. I want to make a good impression. Do I have a bat in the hanger?
Malcolm: You've asked me five times. The answer's still yes. [Reese blows his nose]

Reese: Okay, there she is. Everybody, get out of here. No, wait. She'll probably want to meet you. Okay, you can stay, just don't say anything stupid. Oh, how's my hair? Can you smell my pits? Why'd you let me put on this stupid shirt?
Lois: Reese, relax. All you have to do is just be yourself.
Reese: You're right, Mom. Thanks.
[Reese grabs some flowers as he gets ready to open the door. When Reese opens the door, a group of girls are standing in front of a pig which has a "I [Heart] Reese"] balloon tied around its neck and a name tag reading "Cindy". The girls laugh and take photographs of Reese.]
Paula: Enjoy your date, Reese!

Mr. Hodges: And the pig was actually wearing lipstick? [chuckles]
Lois: Reese was devastated.
Mr. Hodges: I can just imagine. And- And I don't like it. No, no, no, not one little bit. Now, uh, what is it that you want me to do?
Lois: Look, I know that Reese has not been a model student, and once again, I want to apologize for your tires. And your mailbox. And your lawn fountain. But what those girls did is just cruel, and I need to see them punished.
Mr. Hodges: All right, you let me see what I can find out. Now, these girls are obviously quite clever. I mean, where do you even find a pig? And then we have to get it over to your house, and put makeup on it. Reese was completely blindsided, huh?
Lois: You know what? I have had it. How would you like it if I called the Superintendent and told him all about this?
Mr. Hodges: Great. I'll put him on the speaker phone. [chuckles]

Lois: Unbelievable. I've never witnessed anything like that in my entire life.
Hal: There's no excuse for it.
Lois: How did an immature jerk like that get to be principal of a high school, Hal? How?
Hal: Well, with what they-
Lois: He actually laughed. He couldn't care less that our son is curled up on his bed and completely devastated by this.
Hal: Honey, I think you actually got chunks of cutting board in the salad.
Lois: Well, I happen to be very upset, Hal.
Hal: I'm upset, too. And this principal sounds like a real idiot, but, you've talked to him, and if he's not going to do anything about it, I don't see what else we can do.
Lois: Well, you know what, Hal? That's just unacceptable to me.

[As Dewey and Reese sit on the couch watching TV, Reese is still sobbing]
Dewey: I can't take this anymore, Reese. You have to stop this and get on with your life. [Reese sobs] Did I remind you of your life? [Reese nods] Look, Reese. It's my ant farm. I've been raising them for months. I know all their names and love each and every one of them. Here, have fun.
Reese: Why does everything I love always turn into a pig?
Dewey: Hey, I've got it. You'll love this. Today at lunch, Rick Jensen sat in beef stew. And then spilled lemonade on his crotch. It was a perfect storm. Kids were coming from other schools to laugh at him.
Reese: Was he able to get his pants clean?
Dewey: Come on, Reese. You should get back to bed.
Reese: I'll bet his mom wasn't able to get his pants clean.

[Dewey is giving Reese a bath:]
Dewey: You wouldn't believe the homework Mr. Hendricks has been dumping on us lately. Lift your arm. I mean, okay, your wife moved out. Don't take it out on us. If his behavior with her is anything like it is in math class, I totally get it.
Hal: Hey, how is he doing?
Dewey: He's having a very good day.

Lois: If you think you're manipulating me, you're wrong. That girl just needs to know she can't go around hurting people without there being consequences. And that way, she'll grow up to be a very nice young lady.
Reese: Got it.
Lois: And I want to make it clear that this is a one time thing, due to very special circumstances.
Reese: Understood. Now get back there and fill up those balloons with paint.

Malcolm: I knew I'd find you here!
Lois: Well, congratulations, Columbo. Now, move, we're in a hurry.
Malcolm: Mom, no! What you're doing is crazy. It goes against everything you've ever taught us.
Reese: You don't get it, Malcolm. This is a one time thing, due to very special circumstances. Tell him, Mom.
Lois: Get out of our way!
Malcolm: This is not going to happen.

Reese: It's a shame it was over so quickly.
Lois: I know. Maybe we can go bowling together some time.
Reese: I'd like that.
Malcolm: [tied up in the back] Unbelievable. So as long as you can rationalize your behavior, I guess you can do whatever you want. There are no rules, huh, Mom? Is that what you're saying?
Lois: Oh, Malcolm, for Pete's sake. Don't be so upset. I'll do something with you next week.