Hal: Good game, boys!
Malcolm: Good game?! You fouled us on every play!
Hal: Boys, part of the game is learning how to lose gracefully. Now, if I've taught you anything it's how to be a good sportsman.

Hal: Hey, boys. What's up?
Malcolm: Not much.
Dewey: How's the leg?
Hal: Well, it's feeling a little better.
Reese: It's interesting how you happened to hurt your leg.
Hal: What does that mean?
Reese: I don't know. It's just interesting.
Dewey: Yeah. Interesting.
Hal: Now, what are you boys getting at?
Malcolm: Just that some people are willing to go to pretty drastic lengths just to avoid being beaten by their kids.
Hal: This is about basketball? You think I faked this because I didn't wanna play you in basketball? Alright. You know what? I'm gonna play you right now, like this, and I'm still gonna mop the floor with you.
Reese: That's OK. You rest.
Malcolm: We can wait.
Dewey: Yeah. It's gotta heal sometime, right?

Hal: Well, I have to say you boys have put up a good fight, which is just gonna make it all the more painful when I crush you like bugs.

Man: Hi.
Lois: Hello. Can I help you?
Man: I don't know. Maybe. What'll it cost me?
Lois: What?
Man: Is it cheaper if we use my car, or do we have to get a room?
Lois: You think I'm a hooker?
Man: No!
Lois: You do! You think I'm a hooker! Thank you! [grabs his hand] Come with me!

Lois: Craig, would you calm down. Look, it's, like, a paragraph. "Employees seemed very capable, efficient. Personal hygiene was questionable." Questionable?! What are they talking about? My hygiene- "Slovenly"?! They think I'm slovenly?

Craig: Okay, we've got you double bagged with paper and plastic. The hair mousse that I recommended is bagged separately with your other sundries. And I picked up your film at the photo counter. Can I take this to your car for you?
Woman: You don't have to do that for me.
Craig: Nonsense, I insist. That's my job here at Lucky Aide.

Lois: Mr Fisher, I wanted to talk about that secret-shopper report. I think they must've come in on the day when my son Dewey tried to cook his own breakfast. And by the time I put out the fire-
Mr. Fisher: Lois, this isn't personal.
Lois: Well, it's- It's not like I'm-
Mr. Fisher: Lois, there is nothing for you to freak out over. We have people in the company with the skills and the experience to help you.
[cut to Lois at the Lucky Aide beauty counter:]
Monique: Wow, Lois! This is gonna be, like, so fun!

Malcolm: Perfect. Dad won't have any idea what hit him.
Reese: He's going down. Do you think he'll cry?
Dewey: Oh, yeah, he'll cry!

Monique: Now, you have really pretty eyes. You shouldn't hide them behind no makeup.
Lois: This is wrong. I do my job. I do my job well. I dress appropriately and I'm clean. That should be enough.
Monique: Or you could be pretty! Put your chin up.
Lois: What do they want from me? I take care of three kids, I run a house, I work 38 hours a week and they think I should look like some supermodel just to ring up some guy's rash ointment? You tell me how that's fair.
Monique: You know, Lois, it's OK to be scared of change. I mean, my boyfriend freaked when I got my driver's licence. Don't worry, I'll take good care of you.

Dewey: Get your sneakers, faker.