Malcolm: [answers phone] Hello?
Francis: Malcolm, great. It's Francis. I'm in a real bind up here-
Malcolm: Please, I don't have any money.
Francis: Wait. Hear me out. Tell Mom they're sending all the smart kids to Washington, DC, hit her up for $600 and then spend a long weekend at Stevie's.
Malcolm: Reese, phone.
Reese: [answers phone] Hello?
Francis: Reese, great. Um... you know the hardware store on 2nd? Okay, they got a real slippery entry way...
Reese: Dewey, phone.
Dewey: Francis?
Reese: Yeah.
Dewey: Money?
Reese: Yeah.
[Dewey hangs up the phone]

Dewey: There it is. Kill it.
Hal: Dewey, a spider has just as much right to live as you or I. Besides, it's unlucky to kill it in the house. OK. Hello, little fella. Come on, sweetheart. Oh!
[As the spider tries to run up Hal's arm, he jiggles about as he tries to keep it on the two pieces of paper he's carrying.]
Dewey: [screams]
Hal: Go, go, go! Door! Open the door!
Dewey: The back? Side?
Hal: Side. No, back. No, side! Run!
[As Dewey opens the front door, Lois is standing outside with two bags of groceries. Hal gets to the door and throws the spider off the paper right into Lois, just before Dewey closes the door.]
Hal: Oh, my God, did we just?
Dewey: Go. She can only ground me. Get your keys and go.
Hal: But!
Lois: [o.s.] [screams]
Dewey: Go!

Lois: Hal, you're making too much of this.
Hal: No, I am not! If I've learned one thing, you have to make a good first impression. It sets the tone for the entire relationship.
[flashback:]
Man: Hal, this is your new supervisor, Miss Plum.
Miss Plum: It's great to meet you, Hal. I'm really look forward to working with you.
Hal: Same here. [singsong] Oh, and what do we have here? [pats her belly]
Miss Plum: [singsong] My big, fat sto-mach.
[flashback:]
Man: Now, I'd like you to meet your staff, but I'm not quite sure where everyone went.
[Hal's colleagues laughs as he sits bare-cheeked on the photocopier]
[flashback:]
Hal: It is great to meet you, Mr. Jacobson. I just want you to know I'm gonna do a terrific job for you.
Mr. Jacobson: Well, that's great, Hal. I'm sure you are. Have you met my daughter and son-in-law?
Hal: No, I haven't.
Mr. Jacobson: Kelly? Steve? I want you to meet somebody.
Hal: [runs over] Hi. I'm Hal.
Kelly: Hi. So nice to-
[When Hal trips as he reaches the buffet table, he grabs Kelly's necklace, pulling her down onto the food. She crashes to the floor.]
Kelly: [o.s.] Oh, my God! There's a toothpick in my eye!
Steve: She's gushing blood! For God's sake, someone put a tourniquet on her neck!
Kelly: [o.s.] I'm outside of my body. I can see a light. Grandma? Is that you?
Steve: You son of a bitch, I'm going to chew off your face, spit it out and dance on it! I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna drag your carcass through the street. She's got a toothpick in her eye!
[present:]
Hal: It's like a chess game, Lois. Every subtle move is vital.

Lois: No candy tomorrow, understand?
Dewey: I'll be fine!
Lois: No, you won't. What happened at the last company picnic?
Dewey: I got into a fight with that red-headed boy.
Lois: And why did you do that?
Dewey: Because I ate candy.
Lois: Because you ate candy. You do not metabolize sugar well. You get mean and crazy, you get into fights and you end up crying. Do you want that to happen again this year?
Dewey: No.
Lois: No. Now go get ready for bed.

Hal: I don't know why I go to these things. I am so nervous. My stomach sounds like a bunch of dogs fighting. Listen to this, get your ear down there.

Lois: You fill up on that bread. It's better you get sick on that than on candy. You understand me? I got enough to worry about without you going crazy on me. Stay here!

Malcolm: [to camera] My dad's company picnic is tomorrow. Laurie is going to be there. I've kind of had a crush on her since third grade. [grunts] I haven't seen her since she moved last year. I've grown about four inches since then, but I can't just count on that. If I do, like, 10,000 of these, I should have something to show by tomorrow.

Malcolm: [strains] Eight.
Reese: Oh, my God, what did you do? You're huge!
Malcolm: Shut up.
Reese: Be careful. You might frighten Laurie with your savage manliness.
Malcolm: Who says I'm doing it for Laurie?
Reese: Oh, so Laurie's fair game? I wonder if she likes older men.
Malcolm: Reese, don't. Look, I really like this girl. Please! It's my first chance to see her since she moved away. I'm asking you as a brother. Please don't be a jerk and screw this up.
Reese: Wow, this desperate grovelling is new for you. Keep it up.

Francis: Wait a minute. There's no money in this check. It says I owe you $14. I didn't even buy anything last week.
Lavernia: It's the cost-of-living increases. Your room, your board, your pillow rental and those rubber gloves you insist on wearing, princess.
Francis: This is insane! I'm not going to work sixty hours a week and still end up owing you money. I quit!
Lavernia: Fine. Give me the $604 you racked up since you got here and you can go.
Francis: What? How can I have possibly $604 when you keep taking all my money?
Lavernia: Well then shut up! And get back to work. And you better not let your equipment-manager duties get in the way of your real work.

Laurie: Is that your brother? Hi, Reese.
Reese: Sorry. I'm gay.
Laurie: OK.
Reese: [whispers to Malcolm] You owe me!