Hal: Honey, take a load off.
Lois: No, thanks. Since now you've decided we're a family where everyone does whatever they want, what I want is to not be in the hot tub.
Reese: These jets are great. I couldn't hear a word she said.

Malcolm: [to camera] This is cool. I get to drive. Plus, I got to know Polly a little bit better. It turns out she hasn't had a TV in 12 years, and instead of chemicals, her dry cleaner uses tea. Okay, but the driving is still cool.

Malcolm: [to camera] This is weird. All I keep thinking is, it is so cool that I'm driving.

Otto: Francis, I'm afraid I'm doing this on purpose.
Francis: What, hurting yourself?
Otto: I don't know. It doesn't seem like all of these things could be accidents. It's like there is some subconscious drive to punish myself for some unknown... [groans]
Francis: Otto, what does the name Manfred Schmidt mean to you?
Otto: I haven't thought about him for years. I'm... Oh, oh...
Francis: What?
Otto: Manfred Schmidt is Gretchen's fiancé. Well, he was, until I stole her.
Francis: You stole Gretchen?
Otto: He was my best friend, but I was in love with Gretchen, too. And on the day they were going to elope, I told Manfred that Gretchen had already gone and that she would meet him at the train station in Berlin.
Francis: Oh, Otto.
Otto: Poor Gretchen stood in the rain for hours, devastated. And then I came along and I comforted her, and, uh, one thing led to another thing, and, uh... Well, here we are, 25 years of perfect love... built on a lie.
Francis: Otto, this is obviously tearing you up inside. Why don't you just call this guy and apologize before you really end up hurting yourself?
Otto: Francis, I don't think I have the courage. Besides, now that I know what is behind it, maybe the problem will go away. [drinks from cup]
Francis: Those are thumb tacks.

Hal: Boy, you know, I think the tension in my neck was dulling my taste buds. These hamburgers are amazing, honey.
Lois: Well, thank you. And even with the cheese, it came in for less than $2,800.

Malcolm: Who has the mustard?
Dewey: I don't know. Maybe Reese stole it. Like he steals everything.
Reese: Well, maybe the mustard likes me better. Maybe the mustard and I have more fun.
Dewey: You totally stole Noah from me!
Reese: Whoa, you can't just change subjects on me. We were talking about mustard.
Dewey: I was talking about Noah.
Reese: Oh, man, what a great kid. It's like having a little brother, you know? He was so proud of me when I beat the crap out of Craig Jansen for him. It was a nice moment.

Lois: Malcolm, how was your drive today?
Malcolm: Fine.
Lois: Just went to the Lucky Aide and back, that's it, huh?
Malcolm: Yeah.
Lois: The Lucky Aide is only two and a half miles each way, yet the odometer mysteriously gained 23 miles.
Malcolm: Okay, well, after I dropped Polly off, I took the car by myself. I'm sorry. I was just so excited, and I wanted to show off, so I drove around the mall.
Lois: Well, thank you for being honest with me. Now give me the permit.
Malcolm: What?!
Lois: Two months without driving.
Malcolm: But, Mom...
Lois: Because you were honest with me, I'm not going to wad this up and throw it down the garbage disposal.
Malcolm: That's so unfair! Dad?
Hal: Malcolm, you know I always agree with your mother. Whether or not she holds herself to the same standard.

Dewey: He's not your friend, Reese. Noah just made friends with me to get to you. And he's just using you to beat people up for him.
Noah: Reese, take him out.
Dewey: No, listen. Last week, three kids beat the crap out of him. He's not tough enough to get them back, but you are. You already paid back Kevin Teevens and Craig Jansen. All that's left is Todd Lemmon, and I took care of him myself. Here's a piece of his T-shirt. Here's his retainer with part of a tooth still on it. And here's my four-day suspension slip.
Noah: Wow. You really nailed him. Thanks, Dewey. Go to hell, Reese.
Reese: Wait. So it's just over? Is that all I was to you, a couple of fists?
Dewey: I have some guys you can beat up for me.
Reese: It's too soon.

Hal: Oh, boys, your mom has a really crazy idea she wants to run by you. Probably too crazy. Lois?
Lois: We are going to have ice cream on the good china.
[As the boys stare blankly at Lois, Hal gestures for them to show more of a response]
Reese: Wow, that's crazy. Are you sure?
Malcolm: Oh, cool.
Dewey: Wow.