Malcolm: You can't call that a short cut! A shortcut has to be shorter!
Reese: Says who?!
Malcolm: Says the word!
Reese: No, a shortcut is just when you don't use regular streets.
Malcolm: So, according to you, if it took 150 years to cross the street, just as long as you went through some bushes and trees, that would qualify as a short cut?!
Reese: God, you hate being wrong.

Lavernia: You disgust me. You better run home to Mama, so she can kiss your tears away and make you cocoa and tell you- [Francis punches back]
Francis: For your information, my mother's a tormenting control freak. It would never occur to her to make me cocoa!

[After Malcolm and Reese jump out of their beds fully-dressed at 11pm, Reese holds a hand mirror under the bedroom door.]
Malcolm: Booby trapped?
Reese: A broom handle tied to a string of tin cans. A classic.
Malcolm: You know, if Mom ever trusted us, I think she'd be pleasantly surprised.
[Malcolm and Reese put decoys in their beds to make it look like they're sleeping]
Reese: Yeah. We're basically good kids.

Lois: How dare you?! How dare you defy us like that?!
Malcolm: Well, we wouldn't have had to if you hadn't been ridiculously hard over a little mud on the floor!
Lois: You two are the most ungrateful, badly behaved, inconsiderate boys ever born! How could you be so heartless?
Reese: What is heartless about going to a party with a bunch of slutty girls?
Malcolm: Be cool.
Hal: You were at a party?! While we were here worrying?!
Dewey: Can I have a napkin? [Hal hands Dewey a napkin]
Hal: I cannot believe you two!
Lois: Alright. That's it! You are grounded for the rest of the school year!
Reese: You can't do that!
Malcolm: You're crazy!
Hal: You do not talk to your mother that way ever! You'll show her nothing but the love and respect she deserves whether I'm here or not!
Reese: This family sucks! You are ruining our lives! I wish you were dead!
[After a speechless Lois walks out of the kitchen, Hal follows her]
Malcolm: What was that all about?
Reese: I don't know. She usually just says, "I'm taking you with me."

Dewey: Mom? Dad? This is Bernard, the hamster from my class. Remember, it's my weekend to take care of him.
Lois: Sweetie, this isn't a good time.
Dewey: I just want you to see how good I could be at taking care of him. Just like how good I'd be at taking care of a dog. I don't know if I mentioned that all the other kids in the neighborhood have dogs?
Lois: Honey, your father and I need to talk.
Dewey: I saw a nice one at the pet store. He's half Great Dane and something else. I could name him Jeff and-
Lois: Go play in your room!
Dewey: OK.

Dewey: I'll put your cage right here, Bernard. Sorry I talked about wanting a dog in front of you. Is your brain big enough to get your feelings hurt? Me neither. But don't worry, I'll still take really good care of you. Bernard?

Lavernia: Are you the biggest idiot to ever walk this Earth?
Francis: Good morning.
Lavernia: What did I tell you to do, jackass?
Francis: To paint the kitchen, which I'm doing.
Lavernia: What kind of a moron paints it white? You wanna see all the dirt? What'd they teach you in college, anyway?
Francis: For your information, I'm a high school dropout. And I used the paint that you left for me.
Lavernia: I moved that paint so you could get to the green, idiot. Now you've got to do this over. I don't care if you're here all night doing it.
Francis: What?
Lavernia: That paint you wasted is coming out of your pay.
Francis: [mutters to himself] Maybe I should just paint it the same color as your dye job.
Lavernia: What?
Eric: He didn't say anything.
Francis: I said maybe I should paint it the same color as your dye job, you sagging, leathery, hatchet-faced, dried-up old hag.

Malcolm: What's her problem? This can't just be about the mud. There's something else going on. What've you done lately?
Reese: The Richardsons' fire, the windshield, the Sampsons' fire, the Jacksons' fire. Nothing she knows about.

Malcolm: Reese, if I show you a way we can go to the party, do you promise never to let anyone find out even though you're an idiot?
Reese: I swear.
Malcolm: OK. I was saving this for a life or death emergency... or a really, really good party.
Reese: Tell me! [Malcolm lifts up a floorboard in the boys' closet] No way. We're not hitting Mom with that!
Malcolm: Reese, tomorrow night after everyone's gone to bed, we take out the floorboard and sneak outside through the crawl space.
Reese: Wow. Tunneling out of our own room. She can't lock us in any more.
Malcolm: Mom's powerless.
Reese: Yeah. Now she's just a crazy old lady we have to live with.

Dewey: Don't worry, Bernard. This is for the best. I'm setting you free. You won't have to worry about any one being mean to you any more. [places hamster wheel on the sidewalk] Come on, Bernard. Run. Run like the wind. [wheel rolls away from Dewey and then back towards him] You have to do this, Bernard. It's for your own good. I'll be OK. [wheel rolls away again and then returns] Go on! I don't want you any more. I don't like you. I never did! [wheel rolls away and keeps going] Go on! Go on, you dumb old hamster. Bye, Bernard.