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‘Health Scare’ Quotes Page 1 of 3    

Malcolm in the Middle: Health Scare

306. Health Scare

Aired December 9, 2001

As Lois and Hal deal with a health scare, Malcolm and Reese are grounded on the night of a big party. Meanwhile, Dewey takes care of the class hamster, and Francis finally stands up to Lavernia.

Quote from Reese

Malcolm: You can't call that a short cut! A shortcut has to be shorter!
Reese: Says who?!
Malcolm: Says the word!
Reese: No, a shortcut is just when you don't use regular streets.
Malcolm: So, according to you, if it took 150 years to cross the street, just as long as you went through some bushes and trees, that would qualify as a short cut?!
Reese: God, you hate being wrong.

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Quote from Francis

Lavernia: You disgust me. You better run home to Mama, so she can kiss your tears away and make you cocoa and tell you- [Francis punches back]
Francis: For your information, my mother's a tormenting control freak. It would never occur to her to make me cocoa!

Quote from Reese

[After Malcolm and Reese jump out of their beds fully-dressed at 11pm, Reese holds a hand mirror under the bedroom door.]
Malcolm: Booby trapped?
Reese: A broom handle tied to a string of tin cans. A classic.
Malcolm: You know, if Mom ever trusted us, I think she'd be pleasantly surprised.
[Malcolm and Reese put decoys in their beds to make it look like they're sleeping]
Reese: Yeah. We're basically good kids.

Quote from Dewey

Dewey: Mom? Dad? This is Bernard, the hamster from my class. Remember, it's my weekend to take care of him.
Lois: Sweetie, this isn't a good time.
Dewey: I just want you to see how good I could be at taking care of him. Just like how good I'd be at taking care of a dog. I don't know if I mentioned that all the other kids in the neighborhood have dogs?
Lois: Honey, your father and I need to talk.
Dewey: I saw a nice one at the pet store. He's half Great Dane and something else. I could name him Jeff and-
Lois: Go play in your room!
Dewey: OK.

Quote from Dewey

Dewey: I'll put your cage right here, Bernard. Sorry I talked about wanting a dog in front of you. Is your brain big enough to get your feelings hurt? Me neither. But don't worry, I'll still take really good care of you. Bernard?

Quote from Francis

Lavernia: Are you the biggest idiot to ever walk this Earth?
Francis: Good morning.
Lavernia: What did I tell you to do, jackass?
Francis: To paint the kitchen, which I'm doing.
Lavernia: What kind of a moron paints it white? You wanna see all the dirt? What'd they teach you in college, anyway?
Francis: For your information, I'm a high school dropout. And I used the paint that you left for me.
Lavernia: I moved that paint so you could get to the green, idiot. Now you've got to do this over. I don't care if you're here all night doing it.
Francis: What?
Lavernia: That paint you wasted is coming out of your pay.
Francis: [mutters to himself] Maybe I should just paint it the same color as your dye job.
Lavernia: What?
Eric: He didn't say anything.
Francis: I said maybe I should paint it the same color as your dye job, you sagging, leathery, hatchet-faced, dried-up old hag.

Quote from Reese

Malcolm: What's her problem? This can't just be about the mud. There's something else going on. What've you done lately?
Reese: The Richardsons' fire, the windshield, the Sampsons' fire, the Jacksons' fire. Nothing she knows about.

Quote from Reese

Malcolm: Reese, if I show you a way we can go to the party, do you promise never to let anyone find out even though you're an idiot?
Reese: I swear.
Malcolm: OK. I was saving this for a life or death emergency... or a really, really good party.
Reese: Tell me! [Malcolm lifts up a floorboard in the boys' closet] No way. We're not hitting Mom with that!
Malcolm: Reese, tomorrow night after everyone's gone to bed, we take out the floorboard and sneak outside through the crawl space.
Reese: Wow. Tunneling out of our own room. She can't lock us in any more.
Malcolm: Mom's powerless.
Reese: Yeah. Now she's just a crazy old lady we have to live with.

Quote from Dewey

Dewey: Don't worry, Bernard. This is for the best. I'm setting you free. You won't have to worry about any one being mean to you any more. [places hamster wheel on the sidewalk] Come on, Bernard. Run. Run like the wind. [wheel rolls away from Dewey and then back towards him] You have to do this, Bernard. It's for your own good. I'll be OK. [wheel rolls away again and then returns] Go on! I don't want you any more. I don't like you. I never did! [wheel rolls away and keeps going] Go on! Go on, you dumb old hamster. Bye, Bernard.

Quote from Hal

Hal: Hi, boys. [sits down] You don't know how lucky you are. Everything is new. Everything is open to you. Please, don't ever take that for granted. Make every moment the best you possibly can. God, I am so proud of all of you.
[Hal strokes the hair on the Halloween mask Malcolm put in his bed as a decoy]
Hal: You kids are the best thing I've ever done. You'll never know how much I love you. Maybe you're not supposed to. [sniffs] Sleep well, my little angels.
[Hal goes to kiss Reese and screams when he pops the balloon Reese placed in his bed as a decoy. Dewey screams when he wakes up face-to-face with Malcolm's Halloween mask. Both continue screaming]

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