Malcolm: Eat faster!
Dewey: Don't chew it. Just swallow it!
Reese: [eats ice cream] Nothing.
Malcolm: [to camera] Granted, this isn't scientific, but the fact that Reese can't get brain freeze has to prove something.
Reese: Wait. I'm feeling something in my toes. [eats more ice cream]

Hal: Well, we can't take a walk without our jackets anymore, Jamie. It's the first cool day of fall. Fall reminds adults about our mortality, but for you, it's just pretty leaves.

Joe: I just want to thank Hattie for organizing this meeting. I think it's about time the people who really do the work around here start standing up for ourselves. I for one, am sick of no overtime, no job security-
Craig: Excuse me, Joe, I just want to say that Mr. Cochran makes a lot more money than us. And I strongly feel that on that basis alone, he should be trusted.
Lois: Oh, for God's sake, Craig. You know what really bothers me? When I see Mr. Cochran parking his car out front every morning and we've got to park nine blocks away.
Craig: They let us use the shuttle to get to our cars.
Lois: That's the city bus, Craig.
Craig: I appreciate all the anger that's in this room, and God knows I'm not one to shy away from a fight, but I suggest that instead of starting a union, we form a special committee to maybe paint Mr. Cochran's house so he'll want to be nice to us. [murmurs of disagreement]
Shelly: Sit down and shut up, Feldspar.
Lois: You know what? I've worked here for almost ten years. I have never felt we needed a union, but when I think about what this place has done to some of us, how it's made us so afraid to even voice our opinions, then I think maybe we do. [applause]
Craig: Okay, but let the record show that I advocated a policy of cowardice and appeasement.

Malcolm: The Schwabs sent out a mass e-mail to everyone at school. They Photoshopped our heads onto a dirty movie.
Dewey: Gross!
Reese: That can't be a dirty movie. There aren't any girls in it. Oh, my God!
Malcolm: I'm not homophobic. If the three of us were gay lovers, I'd be fine with this. But it's not true!
Reese: This is so humiliating. My abs are way more ripped than that guy's.
Dewey: We've got to respond.
Reese: Well, I was saving this one to what grade Mr. Watts was going to give me, but we can climb up on their roof and drop a wasp nest down their chimney. I have one ready. I've been teasing the for months to keep them angry.

Lois: This is just a game?! You made me race across town thinking one of you was dying and it's just a game?!
Reese: We got bored. There's not much to do around here.
Dewey: Yeah, maybe if you took us on a trip once in a while-
Lois: Hal, do you hear this?
Hal: [falls onto the boys] I'm on it, Lois.
Lois: I can't believe that- Hal, are you crying?
Hal: With rage! You know how mad I get when these boys pull stunts like this.
Lois: There's something fishy about this.
Hal: Fishy is a nice way to put it, Lois. They are gonna get the grounding of their life. They are gonna feel the full brunt of my wrath.
Lois: Oh, I've been wrong about so much lately I don't even trust my own radar. I got to get back to work. You start the punishment, Hal, but leave some for me. [exits]
Hal: Drive safely.

Hattie: And that's why I propose we affiliate ourselves with the Teamsters. They can deliver a benefits package that's quite substantial. It's all spelled out in this literature.
Craig: Well, I think this is a bad idea. Bad, bad, bad!
Lois: Craig, it can't hurt to just listen.
Craig: When Mr. Cochran finds out we're talking union, we'll lose all our perks.
Lois: What perks?
Craig: We get to wear the smocks on our days off. And they're talking about fixing the hand dryer in the men's room.

Hal: What does it take to keep you boys safe?
Malcolm: Dad, you don't know what the Schwabs did.
Hal: I don't care what they did! What is the matter with you boys? Don't you realize you could get killed?!
Reese: Dad, I'm not going to die.
Hal: What?
Reese: I'm 17.
Hal: And so you can't die?
Reese: I just don't see it happening.
Hal: I've got news for you, Reese. 17 year olds die all the time.
Reese: Oh, come on, Dad. That's just something they tell you so you'll stay off drugs.

Lois: I raced home! What is it?
Hal: Honey, there's something you should know.
Malcolm: Nine minutes and 23 seconds. I win.
Lois: What are you talking about?
Malcolm: We made a bet to see how quickly you could get here if you thought there was an emergency.
Dewey: You don't win. Reese said ten minutes.
Malcolm: But you're not allowed to go over.
Reese: You can't decide that now. That's cheating!
Lois: You did what?!
Malcolm: I don't blame you for being mad, Mom. Reese underestimates you all the time.

Craig: Happy anniversary, Lois. I chewed through my ropes so I could have this set up for you when you got back.
Lois: Oh, Craig.
Craig: I invited the entire staff, but I guess they didn't show up, on account of seeing me as human garbage.
Lois: I wish you'd be mad at me. Yell at me, tell me I'm a horrible person. Please.
Craig: Don't apologize, Lois. If you want to make me happy, just sit down and enjoy your party. [over microphone] Hello, everybody. Here's one I'm sure you'll all remember. [sings] Here she comes now, our Lois, Lois. Struttin' down the aisle like she doesn't know us. Hey, she wears a smock and she looks all right, yeah. You gotta scan and stock and mark the cat chow Meow, meow, meow, meow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Lois: Yeah.
Craig: Yeah.
Lois: Yeah.
Craig: Yeah. 'Cause she's been here ten... Years. Through the laughs, through the tears. Punchin' in. Punchin' out. 'cept that time she had gout. I say yeah.
Lois: Yeah.
Craig: Yeah.
Lois: Yeah.
Craig: Yeah.
Lois: Yeah.
Craig: Yeah.
Lois: Yeah.
Craig: Yeah.
Lois: Yeah.

Malcolm: We did it! We finally got back at Tim Schwab and his brother.
Dewey: What'd you do?
Reese: We found a dead octopus in a dumpster at the seafood store. We shoved its mouth full of medical waste and put it in the Schwabs' air conditioner.
Malcolm: That'll teach them to say we're obnoxious.
Dewey: Why didn't you let me help?
Reese: It couldn't wait, Dewey. With a dead octopus, there's a very small window before it starts smelling like just another dead fish.
Malcolm: Reese, your hands still stink.
Reese: Yeah... [sniffs] Like victory.