Hal: [on the phone] You're telling me my family's hasn't had health insurance for the last six months?! Yes, I know you never got the check! There must be some sort of grace period. And when those two months are over, what's the grace period on that? No, no, you can't wait until Monday to reinstate us. We can't go through the whole weekend without health insurance. Listen- Listen, I am speaking to you from a house full of walking time bombs. Well, then you're just a bunch of lousy, heartless bastards!
Lois: [enters] Who you talking to?
Hal: March of Dimes.
Lois: I've got to go to work early. Hattie's called another secret meeting about the union.
Hal: Uh-uh.
Lois: Goodbye. [exits]
Hal: Bye, hon. [on the phone] Listen, Jim. Can I call you Jim? Oh, okay, Steven. Let me level with you. Six months ago my wife asked me to do one thing. One. I was supposed to mail your check. The woman relies on the fact that I can be occasionally trusted to perform very simple menial tasks. Now, if you don't start my insurance, and if anything happens to anyone in this family, I am gonna have to explain to her that her entire life is built on a lie! Well, I just hope that when your marriage blows up in your face, I'm there to see it! [hangs up] Okay, Jamie, for the next two days there's no getting sick. There's no getting owies. All of the safety rules your mother and I told you about, well, starting today, we mean them.

Connie: Hi, I'm Connie Guzman, Teddy's mother. I guess our little guys are gonna have a play date this morning.
Hal: Oh, right. I'm- I'm Hal.
Connie: I was so relieved we could schedule something today. I've got a killer day ahead. [Teddy sniffles]
Hal: What was that?
Connie: It was just his allergies.
Hal: Allergies? Or disease? There are a lot of viruses going around. [feels Teddy's head] Some of these kids are nothing but walking germ bags. He seems a little unresponsive.
Connie: Is Jamie's mother home?
Hal: Boy, I do not like the way this gland feels. What did his poop look like this morning?
Teddy: Mommy.
Connie: You know, I'm not sure Teddy's up for a play date today.
Hal: Oh, Jamie will be so disappointed.
Connie: Come on, Teddy. You're going to Mommy's job interview.
Hal: We'll do it again some other time. Just make sure you bring a note from his doctor.

Hal: What are you doing?! This is not a toy!
Dewey: I didn't think I was cutting my bagel with a toy.
Hal: [hands Dewey a butter knife] This is plenty sharp. Wait! Here. [hands Dewey a spoon] And use the handle. [repeated gasps] I'm living in a death house.

Lois: Boys, breakfast. Hal, where are all the forks?
Hal: Oh, uh, they were all bent out of shape so I sent them out to that guy who fixes them.
Lois: The "fork straightener"?
Hal: It's the man's work, Lois. I don't think we should make fun.
Lois: Hal, how are the boys gonna eat scrambled eggs without forks?
[Reese is eating straight from the plate as he reads a catalog]

Lois: I have to go.
Hal: Honey, you know what's a great look? I saw this gal the other day, had a bike helmet, and I thought, "Why the heck can't women look this good all the time?" Oh, baby.
Lois: Hal, you're messing up my hair.
Hal: Okay, look, just buckle up and drive slowly. Get there late, but get there!

Lois: Craig, I heard you talking about a list of names.
Craig: Oh, that. Um. We were just rating all the hotties in the store. Don't worry. You're holding your own in both posture and dimples.
Lois: You expect me to fall for that?
Craig: I'd appreciate it.

Malcolm: Let's do it.
[Reese removes a poster from bedroom door and then pushes on the inner segment of the door, which swings open while the handle and hinge sides remain fixed.]
Reese: I told you this was worth spending Christmas vacation at Home Depot.

Dewey: Wait. Dad's gonna kill us when he realizes we're gone. Maybe we can just pretend we're too secure to care what the Schwabs think of us.
Reese: Nobody's gonna buy that.
Malcolm: We can't let this stand, Dewey. Remember the day everybody started calling Booger Boy "Booger Boy" and he didn't do anything about it?
Reese: What is his real name anyway?
Malcolm: Nobody remembers.
Dewey: I'm in.

Malcolm: Dad's under there!
Reese: Oh, my God you're right! Let's go!
Malcolm: No, no, no.
Hal: You boys are in so much trouble.
Dewey: I'm calling Mom.
Malcolm: Dad, are you okay?
Hal: I can't feel anything below my left knee. Is my foot okay?
Reese: Your foot looks fine. But I think the rest of you is facing the wrong way. [Hal whimpers]

Lois: Craig! Oh, Craig. I'm so sorry. Why didn't you tell me you were playing a party?
Craig: You know? Oh Lord, this day just keep getting worse.
Lois: Oh, Craig, this is all my fault. I feel just awful about this. I'll do whatever it take to make this up to you. I'll even- [cell phone rings] Oh, hold on a second. [answers cell phone] Hello?
Dewey: Mom, it's an emergency. You've go to home quick. Something horrible happened. [Hal pulls the phone cord]
Lois: Hello? Dewey? Dewey!
Craig: Lois, if you could just get the ropes. My hands are wet, I think wrists are bleeding.
Lois: I'll be right back.
Craig: Party starts at 5:00.