Malcolm: [to camera] I have fifteen days to learn how to play this thing well enough to totally humiliate my mom. Seems doable.

Hal: [sleep talking] I had it! The gift... perfect... destroyed! That little one. Bad diapers!
Reese: Come on, Hal. What happened, happened. The main thing is, I'm here to help.
Hal: Need help, can't do it alone.
Reese: Now, tomorrow you'll be on your way to work, when you'll realize that your favorite son, Reese, is completely out of hair care products. So you'll put together a charming gift basket full of shampoos and styling gels.
Hal: It has to be done! No questions! Get to work!
Reese: It's interesting you'd say that. Because actually, there are quite a few projects I've lined up for you. Oh, but first, I'd like you to do something very important for me. [holds up stuffed animal]
Hal: Important! Of course, it's important.
Reese: Yes, it is. I want you to kiss this. You know, like you really mean it.

Hal: [on the phone] That's right, I'm looking to replace the music box with the ballerina on top. I wouldn't say broken so much as vaporized, my toddler got a hold of it. [takes hammer off Jamie] Oh-oh-oh, give me that! So, anyway, I would really appreciate it if you could help me. [oven timer dings] [bwawks like a chicken] A list of local distributors who might have one- What are you talking about, why on earth would I do that?! Listen, the truth is I'm pretty desperate here, so if you could just give me some information... [Hal does the moonwalk as the washing machine timer whirs] that can help me track down another ballerina music box, you can actually turn this into a very special anniversary celebration.
Lois: [enters] Sorry, I am late.
Hal: Oh, please! Like the orphans would really see any of the money I would give you. Do you have an orphan there with you? Could I speak to one, please? I didn't think so. Do you know what? You people make me sick! [hangs up] Damn telemarketers!
Lois: Hal, you know what I realized on the way home? Our 20th anniversary is in three days.
Hal: Oh, just three days, huh? Boy, talk about time flying. It'll be here before you know it.
[As Reese clinks a glass, Hal squirts ketchup and mustard in his own face]

Lois: Hal?
Hal: [sleep talking] No, not now! Have to think! Nothing!I've got nothing!
Lois: I know you've been very worried about our anniversary.
Hal: Ssh. You can't find out about this!
Lois: Don't worry, I won't. Of course, this is the 20th, and that's very special.
Hal: It has to be... the best.
Lois: So, listen carefully. Here are the gifts that Lois has been dreaming of: a 3-pack of vacuum cleaner bags, a new heating pad, oh and some of those gel inserts for her work shoes, size 9.
Hal: That's it! Yes! Oh, finally! The relief!
Lois: And one more thing. There's nothing you love more than changing Jamie's poopy diapers.
Hal: You got that right.

Malcolm: [to camera] I returned the guitar. Mom was right, I don't have any of Dewey's talent. But it's ok, I'm good at a lot of other things. I've learned a little something about myself, and I feel good. [punches Dewey's arm]
Dewey: Ow!

Lois: Vacuum cleaner bags? Hal, this is uncanny. This is exactly what I was hoping for. How on earth did you know?
Hal: Come on, honey. When you've been married as long as we have, it's like being a psychic. I just know.
Dewey: Oh, man! I think Jamie has a present for someone.
Hal: I got it! Oh, I've been waiting for this all day! Come on, buddy! Oh yeah!
Reese: Happy anniversary, Mom.

Kyle: Hey, Dewey, what did you do? Rat me out to Mr Myers?
Dewey: Of course not. I just figured that if you're so interested in the democratic process, I nominate you to run for school president, too.
Kyle: What?
Dewey: I've got to admit, it's clever making Hansen and Zoe run for Office. They're going to be humiliated. The only thing more humiliating would be losing to them.

Dewey: Okay, Chad. See those kids over there? They're friends of Kyle's. On Election Day, it would probably be better if they didn't vote.
Chad: Okay. Why don't you go back inside? You don't want to see this.

Hal: Hey, Reese.
Reese: Hey, Dad.
Hal: Oh, here. Got you a new watch.
Reese: Thanks. What did you do that for?
Hal: I don't know. A thought just popped into my head that you needed one.
Reese: And you have no idea why?
Hal: No.
Reese: Wow.

Hal: You've got to see this. I finally found the perfect anniversary present for your mom. She had this exact music box when we were first married. Until your brother Francis got a hold of it, and smashed it into a million pieces. Anyway, I'm walking through this antique store in complete desperation, and there it is, the same music box. Oh, what a relief. I am going to sleep like a baby tonight.