Malcolm: Okay, you drive to the hoop. When they double-team you, kick it out to me, and I'll take the shot.
Stevie: I'll... take the shot. I don't... have a mom.
Malcolm: Okay, that's the third time today you've played the "mom card."
Stevie: Get... used to it.

Hal: I got to run.
Lois: What are you doing with my high school diary?
Hal: I was looking for a baby book we can use for Jamie. Turns out we didn't even take the cellophane off Dewey's.

Dewey: Come on, Jamie, just eat it. It's not that bad. See? [eats] I don't hate it. Mmm! [eats]

Abe: This meal looks fantastic, Lois. Thank you so much for the invitation.
Lois: Well, we figured with Kitty coming home tomorrow, you'd like one last chance to enjoy meat.

Reese: You're not going to believe what happened to me at school today. Some girl dropped her diary into my backpack by mistake.
Malcolm: Do you know whose it is?
Reese: No, but it's awesome. She talks about her teachers, classes, friends. It's like a whole world I never knew existed.

Hal: Now, look, Abe, I'm really sorry, but Stevie still has to know.
Lois: Abe, you have got to tell Stevie.
Reese: Tell him what?
Lois: None of your business. Get back to the table.
Abe: How do I tell that poor boy his mother is never coming home?
Reese: I'll tell him.
Lois: I told you to get out of here.

Malcolm: What's going on?
Hal: Kitty and Abe got a divorce. Now, leave us alone.
Malcolm: What?
Lois: Abe, you have got to do the right thing and go in there now.
Abe: What about Malcolm? Why can't he tell him? Wouldn't it be more comforting coming from his best friend?
Reese: I said I'd tell him.
Lois: Reese, out. Now!

Lois: Abe, we are through talking about this. Now, go!
Reese: Okay, I told him.
Abe: What?
Reese: He's taking it pretty hard. Somebody should probably go over there and talk to him.

Lois: How many time do I have to tell you, don't leave your filthy socks on the kitchen table!
[meanwhile, Reese reads the diary in his room:]
Lois: [v.o.] "September 18. What an aggravating day. "Some idiot named Hal streaked our gym class. "He didn't see the volleyball net, and they ended up carrying him off in a stretcher. And then, at lunch, this other guy..."
[flashback:]
Young Lois: Excuse me. You want to pick that up?
Boy: Why should I?
Young Lois: Because it's trash. Or are you one of those charming people who thinks that's just someone else's responsibility? That the rest of us should follow you around your whole life and clean up all the little messes you leave behind?
Boy: Let me ask you a question. Were you, like, born 45?
Young Lois: People like you are the reason I am moving to Paris the second I graduate! [throws can]
[present, Reese reads the diary:]
Reese: Oh, my God! This girl rocks.
Lois: When I tell you to pick something up, pick it up! [throws socks]

Malcolm: [to camera] Well, this is interesting. I now officially qualify for wheelchair basketball. [to Reese] Never help anyone.
Reese: You've never been in love, have you?