Lois: You are in so much trouble.
Hal: I hope you'll think about what you did every time you see me driving by in your prize.
Lois: He's not getting any prize. You've been lying to everyone to get them to buy candy? What did we tell you about lying? Lying is the worst thing you can do. It destroys character, Dewey. It destroys the trust people have in each other. Do you understand?
Dewey: Yes.
Lois: And what do you have to say for yourself?
Dewey: Francis told me to do it.
Lois: I should have known.

Lois: [on the phone] Did you tell your brother to lie about those candy bars?
Francis: You bet I did. And I'm sick of you standing on the sidelines sabotaging everything we try to do.
Lois: Have you lost your mind, Francis? What kind of advice is that to give to your brother? This is all your fault.
Francis: I'm just trying to help the kid instead of tearing him down all the time. And I'm sick of you thinking that everything we do is stupid.

Lois: Scrabbled eggs, coming up.
Malcolm: [to camera] So we're living out here till they get the asbestos cleaned out. Oh, and we won the contest. Turns out the company sponsoring it keeps all the patent rights. They're using our work to make a new cholesterol drug that'll earn billions. And you know what we got? A pencil case. It has a compass in it.
Reese: Mom, Dad, anybody need a pencil?
Lois: No, Reese. We still don't need a pencil.
Reese: Well, if you do, you know where to find it.

Francis: Hey, Fred, where are you going with that piglet?
Fred: Well, can't keep him in the pen. The sow rejected him.
Francis: So you're gonna take him home?
Fred: Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do.
Francis: Oh, no! Do you have to?
Fred: Well, listen, he's half the size of the rest of the litter. The other piglets won't let him feed. It's the humane thing to do.
Francis: Fred, you can't do this. Look at his face. He knows you're gonna take him out and kill him.
Fred: Well, he does now.
Francis: Ralph!
Fred: What?
Francis: You can't kill him if he has a name. It's Ralph. Little Ralph the piglet.
Fred: Aw, geez. That's my kid's name. Here.

Lois: [enters] Malcolm, I need you to watch Jamie for a while.
Malcolm: Mom, we're at a very critical point in our experiment.
Lois: I'm sorry. Are you new? Stevie, explain to your friend how things work around here.
[As Malcolm stands up and turns around, Lois dumps the baby bag in his arms]

Lois: And your teacher called to say you sold more chocolate bars than anyone else. She said all your classmates hate you. I'm so proud, Dewey.
Dewey: Well, you know, it's a good product. They really sell themselves.
Lois: I can't believe it. Dewey sold over 1,500 candy bars.
Hal: 1,500... Page 12.
[fantasy: Hal dumps his "Jupiter Boots" for a "real go cart race car" from the prize catalog]
Hal: They'll eat your dad's dust.

Woman #1: Hi. Is this where the boy lives who's selling Eco-Bars?
Dewey: Sorry, we're all out. Come back later.
Woman #2: Well, there you are. We wanted to buy some more of those candy bars that heal the forests. You should be so proud of your boy.
Dewey: I don't know what you're talking about.
Woman #1: Of course you do. You said every bar plants a seedling in fire-ravaged Yellowstone. Ooh, and I love the little bonus of 10% going to pro-life causes.
Woman #2: Wait a minute. He told me 10% went to pro-choice causes.
Woman #1: I didn't know you felt that way.
Woman #2: I didn't know you felt that way.
Lois: Excuse me, ladies, I have to tell someone how I feel.

Francis: Okay, Ralph, remember your visualization. You're mean, you're tough. You're the biggest pig in the pen and you're not afraid of anyone. Get in there, kick some ass and nurse like you have never nursed before. Hey, that's it, Ralph. Get in there. Good for you. Good. [pigs squeal] Okay, stop, Ralph. Ralph, no biting. Oh, not the mother, too! That's gross. No, Ralph, not the... chicken coop.
Fred: If I were you, I'd hurry up and start naming the cattle.

Piama: Okay, Francis, how much longer are we going to have to share the bed with Ralph? It's getting ridiculous.
Francis: He puts up a brave front, but I don't think he really feels that confident. He'll let us know when he's ready.