Lois: Oh, honey, I'm so sorry! After all the trouble you went through.
Hal: No, it's no big deal. Really, it wasn't any trouble.
[cut to a sick Craig riding home with Hal in the back of a limousine with a violinist:]
Craig: Thanks again for the ride home. Wow. So this is what it woulda been like to go to my prom.
Hal: All I wanted was a nice evening with my wife. I even dug up the wedding vows I never was able to read to her.
Craig: What happened?
Hal: Well, she went into labor with Francis in the middle of the ceremony. I was gonna read them to her tonight.
Craig: God, now I feel awful.
Hal: Don't worry about it, Craig. It's not your fault.
Craig: No, I really feel awful. [retches]

Lois: [whispers] Are you awake? [dog whimpers outside] Honey, I'm so sorry about tonight. Listen, tomorrow night I'm gonna fix us such a special dinner. Just the two of us. We'll lock the boys in the garage, open a bottle of wine [dog whimpers outside] Oh, I know, honey. I know.

Lois: Is the roast medium rare? Did you put the wine in the fridge?
Reese: Mom, my roast is perfect.
Malcolm: I never even knew we had fancy silverware. When was the last time you used this?
Lois: The night you were conceived. You want more details?
Malcolm: No!
Lois: Good. [to Reese] Thank you so much for your help! Now get in your room and don't make a peep for the next five hours. Move!

[As Malcolm and Reese walk into their bedroom, Dewey is attempting to get Marshmallow out the window]
Dewey: He's not a dog. He's just pretend. What's for dinner?
Reese: A dog?! Busted.
Dewey: Please, don't tell Mom. Please.
Reese: Do you have a death wish?
Dewey: Just let me have him one night. I love him. He loves me. Please, please!
Malcolm: OK, Dewey, relax. We won't tell.
Dewey: Thank you!
Reese: So when do we tell?
Malcolm: As soon as Dad gets home. It'll be funnier.

Reese: Just stay put, Dewey. You're doing great.
Dewey: We've been in here for three hours!
Reese: Hey, I'm just looking out for your best interests. [closes closet door]
Malcolm: All right, Dad just came home. Let's tell 'em now so it ruins their date.
Reese: Or we can wait till they come home and they might be drunk.
Malcolm: This is true.

Reese: Well, I'm outta here. Back at ten?
Malcolm: Sounds good. Dewey, you and your dopey dog are on your own for an hour or two!
Dewey: Nope.
Malcolm: What are you talking about? Did something happen to the dog?
Dewey: Oh, he's fine. He's just busy destroying your comic book collection.
Reese: What?!

Malcolm: That's it! You're getting rid of that thing right now!
Reese: And you're gonna pay for this!
Dewey: I don't think so.
Reese: Oh, I think so! [Marshmallow barks]
Dewey: Sit. [Marshmallow growls] I wasn't talking to him.

Lois: Oh, excuse me, I need your help! Here, here's $20. Go and buy me some medicine, some cold medicine, and serve it to me in a champagne glass.
Waiter: But I-
Lois: Just stop talking and go! [shivers]

Both: To us.
Hal: You know, Lois.
Lois: [inner monologue as Hal talks] Don't pass out! No, no, keep it together! Smile, smile! Laugh! [both laugh]
Hal: [inner monologue as Lois talks] You're going to throw up. OK, if it comes to it, aim for the ice bucket! [both laugh]

Malcolm: We don't have a choice. I say, on the count of three, we split up and all run for different doors.
Reese: Are you nuts? He might get one of us.
Malcolm: Yeah, but two of us will get away and go for help.
Craig: I'm willing if you are, I can't sing any more.
Malcolm: Ready? On three. One, two, three!
[Craig is the only one to run]
Craig: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! [Marshmallow barks] Good dog! No, no! [shouts] Aaaaaaargh!
Malcolm: Craig's a good guy. He always comes through for us.
Dewey: [returns] I couldn't find any rusty scissors, so we're gonna have to use-