Reese: I hope I didn't keep you up last night with all that noise.
Malcolm: Geez, Reese, I don't want to hear about your sex life.
Reese: What? No, I was getting the oil stains out of the driveway. For your information, marriage isn't just about sex. It's about commitment. Anyway, you know we can't have sex until after the waiting period.
Malcolm: The waiting period?
Reese: [chuckles] Poor, naive Malcolm. All women, when they get married, require a waiting period of six months to a year. You know, if you got your nose out of a book, and started living life a little, you might know these things. [a shirtless Bela emerges from the garage] Raduca is a delicate flower, and it's going to take some time for her to get used to the idea of being with a man.
Malcolm: Who's that?
Reese: Her brother Bela.
Malcolm: Doesn't look much like her.
Reese: Shows how much you know. I've never seen two people closer in my life.

Reese: Mom, when Raduca found out I took the food out of your refrigerator, she was pretty upset. She says we shouldn't be living off you.
Lois: Really?
Reese: I owe you 14 slices of bologna, a half a liter of soda... [pours soda down drain]
Lois: Reese, I was against your marriage from the beginning. I thought it was a mistake for you to be tied down so early in life. But, I see you and Raduca together and, I must say, I think she's good for you.
Reese: You do? Why are you saying that?
Lois: Well, I'm giving you my blessing.
Reese: I see what's happening here. You're using reverse psychology. It's not working.
Lois: No, I'm really just saying that I like her, and I like how you are when you're with her.
Reese: Nice try, Mom, but I'm staying with Raduca.
Lois: And I approve.
Reese: You'd like me to think so, wouldn't you?
Lois: Yes, I would.
Reese: Well, I'm staying with her, Mom. Check and mate.

Malcolm: Dad, I'm sorry. I know we fought about this, but, the truth is I'm actually glad you kept those college guys off my back.
Hal: Well, son, it hasn't been easy. Today I've got two lunches, a coffee... Oh, and I'm going bowling with a guy from Yale.
Malcolm: Thanks to you, I was able to clear my head and make my decision.
Hal: No, you haven't. I have a lobster dinner next Tuesday.
Malcolm: I've decided to go to Harvard.
Hal: Harvard? I waited at that frozen yogurt shop for two hours, and he never showed!
Malcolm: I just wrote a letter of early acceptance. I'm mailing it today. They can accept me as early as tomorrow, and all this will stop.
Hal: Stop?
Malcolm: Thanks again, Dad. It's a big relief to me.
Hal: Harvard? You're destroying your life!

Lois: Reese, I feel just terrible.
Reese: That's it. It's the end of my marriage. The one thing that was going right in my life is ruined.
Lois: No, Reese. Nothing is ruined. If you love this girl, you'll find a way to overcome this obstacle.
Reese: I don't know.
Lois: Remember when I told you you couldn't keep that tarantula? Six months later, what did I find in my salad?
Reese: My tarantula.
Lois: You hung onto it because you loved it. And you love Raduca. We are not going to let the United States government smash her with a shoe. Come on. Let's go tell her we'll figure out a way to work this thing out.
[Lois and Reese walk into the garage:]
Lois: Oh, my God!
Reese: How come your brother doesn't have a waiting period?!

Lois: Dewey, I just got off the phone with your English teacher. She said you got an "F" on your paper.
Dewey: Huh.
Lois: An "F"! You keep this up, you'll fail the class, which will go on your record, which will determine where you are placed in high school and where you will go to college, if anywhere.
Hal: Don't go to college. It's okay with me.
Lois: How do you think you're going to make your way in the world?
Dewey: You don't get it, Mom. Things take care of themselves. Rock on.