Hal: Really? You boys would actually go into business with your old man? [gets emotional] I never dreamed anything like this would be possible.
Malcolm: Dad...
Hal: When I was a kid, I begged my dad to go into business with me a bunch of times, but he never answered the intercom. And now you boys want to go into business with me. [sobs] It'll be like a Korean grocery store!
Malcolm: You know, Dewey, you've got $20 in your piggy bank.
Dewey: I think they've got it covered, Mom. [off Lois's look] All right. I'm in. [Hal weeps]

[Reese ties a Christmas tree to the hood of a car]
Man: It's customary to tie the tree to the roof.
Reese: It's customary to tip the guy who tied it.

Father McCluskey: You the guys trying to muscle in on the blessed church?
Hal: I'm sorry, what'd you say?
Father Murphy: We're from St. Mark's around the corner. You're underselling us, and we don't like it. So it's going to stop.
Father McCluskey: We want you to close down your lot and leave. Now.
Father Murphy: During this holy season, it's best to give our Heavenly Savior what he wants.
Reese: It might interest you to know that you're dealing with a bunch of godless heathens. Take your ghost stories somewhere else.
Father McCluskey: We'll give you 20 minutes to clear out, then we take matters into our own hands.
Hal: What's that supposed to mean?
Reese: Don't worry about it, Dad. They're priests. What are they gonna do?

Luther: Excuse me, this is my tree. I already marked it, if you know what I mean.
Hal: Wha...! Wait, no! What the hell do you think you're doing?
Luther: Father McKlusky sends his regards.
Hal: What are you talking about?
Luther: He dropped by the soup kitchen and he suggested we come down here and share the magic.
Man: [to Jamie] Cute kid. You want some homemade candy?
Malcolm: Dad, everyone's leaving!
Hal: Look... whatever St. Mark's is giving you, we'll double it!
Luther: You can double eternal salvation?
Hal: Yes, I can.
Luther: You're funny.
Man: [to Hal] So, you sell Christmas trees? I used to sell Christmas trees.

Dewey: Any luck?
Malcolm: What do you think? No one's gonna let us set up our trees.
Hal: Unbelievable. You'd think a cemetery would be up for anything that would lighten the mood.

Lois: People, there is a squirrel somewhere in the store. He's very agile, elusive, and possibly rabid, but we will catch him. We have to.

Craig: You people are so great! I'm sorry I ate all your lunches in the fridge!

Lois: Don't let it get away!
Craig: He's over there! Wait, he's headed for the front door! Watch out, he's got murder in his eyes! And a cute, fluffy tail.
Lois: Checkmate, chipmunk.

Lois: All right, here's the deal. This time, it's ten bucks each and one item from the medicine cabinet.
Luther: It's gonna be tricky, fellas. We're on his turf now.

Piama: Thanks for spending Christmas with my relatives.
Francis: And next year we'll do my family. Marriage is all about compromise.
Woman: [o.s.] You think this house is a pigsty? There, now it's a pigsty!
Man: [o.s.] Oh, you're real brave when I don't have my leg strapped on!
Francis: They're having all the fun. We should get in there.
Piama: Let's do it.