Lois: Craig, listen to me. I am making you this vow: I am going to find that squirrel and take it to Animal Control and prove it doesn't have rabies, so you do not have to get those shots. You are not going to suffer ever again for having known me. Understand?
Craig: You're on my foot.
Lois: Oh. Sorry.

Piama: They're still at it?
Francis: Yeah. It's fascinating. I've had the same argument a million times with my mom. Right now she's gonna say, "Don't take that tone with me," and then he's gonna start screaming.
Gertie: [shouts in German]
Hans: [shouts in German]
Francis: Now the father figure tries to make peace.
Otto: [talks German]
Francis: And he gets his head chopped off.
Gertie: [shouts in German]
Francis: Oh, this is a good one. Jumping into someone else's argument to settle an old score.
Gretchen: [shouts in German] [overlapping arguing]
Francis: They're like a primitive version of my family. Take one step to your left.
Piama: Why? [Francis pushes Piama to the side before a vase smashes against the wall] Spooky.

Hal: We were so close. 89 trees. Just two trees away from being profitable. Story of my life. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I'm always two trees away.
Reese: We should just sell them out of our yard.
Hal: Reese, this is a serious problem. Would you please just...? Oh, my God. That wasn't stupid. Reese, your love for your father has focused your mind like a laser! [chuckles] [to Malcolm] Give him the hat.

Police Officer: Sir, you can't have a business in your front yard without a permit.
Hal: Officer, we've sunk all our money into this. We've just got to sell one more tree to break even. That's all I'm asking. One tree. Just let me sell one tree. Have you got a tree?
Reese: Coming through.
Police Officer: You.
Reese: I was never at that dog show! And where would a high school kid get a spear gun, anyway?

Francis: I can't take this. The yelling, the screaming... It's making me feel so... homesick.
Piama: Me, too. My mom used to grab my dad's throat like that.

Hal: Would you like to buy a Christmas tree for ten dollars?
Man: No, we already have a tree.
Hal: [quietly] You got to help me out. I just yanked my boys back from the brink of despair and convinced them that life was worth living. If you walk away without handing me ten dollars, then their futures aren't worth a damn. Now, I desperately need to teach them the value of perseverance, and you can help me.
Man: I don't think...
Hal: I'll lick your shoes. Have you ever actually seen someone do that? I haven't. That's got to be worth ten dollars. I'll even...
Man: Here, take the money.
Hal: Take it as far as the sidewalk. [loudly] Pleasure doing business with you, sir. See what happens when you believe, boys? We are profitable!

Lois: I'm just going to stop and get Dewey's hamster cage. That squirrel is chewing through the box.
Craig: Do they really have to kill him to find out if he has rabies?
Lois: Do you want the shots?
Craig: [to the squirrel] Wait for me in heaven.

Dewey: Don't move. [slaps Reese]
Reese: Ow! Did you get it?
Dewey: Get what?
Malcolm: [to camera] It's three weeks till Christmas, and Reese is holding off hitting Dewey till after the holidays.

Hal: Well, guess what? I got two weeks forced vacation without pay.
Lois: What?!
Hal: Thanks to the company's trouble with the government, they sent everybody home till the new year. We think it's just so the board members can shred documents in peace.

Lois: Two weeks without pay? At Christmas?!
Reese: That means no presents. [reads notebook] December 2. Refused to eat booger sandwich. [punches Dewey]