Lois: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Hal: What?
Lois: You are going to die!
Hal: What is it?
Lois: I know I always say that gossip rots your soul, but it doesn't count when it's this good. Last night, I covered for Bernice so she could leave early, and when she got home, she found Charlie standing in their living room wearing her red cocktail dress! The one from the Christmas party with all the feathers!
Hal: Good God!
Lois: He admitted it's been going on for years. He said it started one day when he accidentally used lipstick instead of Chap Stick. The next thing you knew, he was wearing a teddy under his police uniform.
Hal: Man is a complicated beast.
Lois: Can you imagine keeping something like that from your spouse? [kisses Hal] So glad we don't have any secrets.

Lois: What is it?
Hal: Oh, honey, there's something I should confess to you.
Lois: What?!
Hal: I... I spent more than $50 on your last birthday present. I know we agreed not to, but I just love you so much.
Lois: Well, I'm glad you told me.
Hal: It felt good to come clean.

Dewey: Dad, can I have a sleepover tomorrow?
Hal: Somebody wants to sleep over? Here? That's fantastic! Who?
Dewey: Chad from my class.
Hal: Oh, geez, Dewey, I don't think that's a good idea. That kid is really...
Dewey: He's fine. He's just a little strange. Nothing to be scared of.
Hal: Well, it's not anything to be taken lightly, either. That boy has a lot of serious issues. I don't think you know what you're getting into.
Dewey: Yes, I do. I also know people treat him like a freak for no reason. Even his parents have given up on him. They're just looking for an excuse to have him institutionalized.
Hal: This is supposed to be convincing me?
Dewey: Dad, I want to prove that he can do normal stuff like a normal kid and have a normal life.
Hal: No means no, Dewey.
Dewey: No doesn't always mean no.
Hal: This isn't "PG-movie" no, this is "speargun" no.
Dewey: Dad, listen. I never ask for anything, but I'm asking you to do this for me. It's important.
Hal: I'm sorry, Dewey, but I know a little bit more about this than you do. And you ask for things all the time.

Hal: Hold on. I told you no, and you went behind my back and tricked your mother into letting you have this sleepover?
Dewey: I just told her it'd be a nice thing to do for a kid who doesn't have many nice things in his life. If you call that a trick, then... yeah. You don't have to freak out. I know how to handle Chad. You can't believe everything you read in the special needs bulletin. They only say that stuff to get extra funding.
Hal: That is not the point! Dewey, I made myself very clear. I told you no, and you snuck around my back to you mother as if nothing I said had any impact... [Dewey opens the front door] Hello, there! You must be Chad's parents.

Malcolm: Maybe they meant to tell us and they just forgot.
Reese: They didn't forget.
Malcolm: How could the whole school snub us like this? Don't they realize how much this hurts?
Reese: They don't care. There are people in this world that are just plain evil. And every single person at that school is one of those people.

Hal: This is exactly what I talked about, Dewey. He's gone through practically everything in the house. He taped my ties to my shirts.
Dewey: So the house gets straightened up. Wouldn't that be horrible?
Hal: Don't you trivialize this. You're in enough trouble already.
Dewey: I'm telling you, once he settles down, this is going to be a perfectly normal sleepover. We're going to play a board game, we're going to watch a video, we're going to have pizza-
Hal: No pizza. I'm already defrosting hamburgers.
Dewey: But I promised Chad pizza. He really likes pizza.
Hal: No pizza, Dewey. You are on thin ice as it is. From now on, you are going to do exactly as I say. Is that understood?
Dewey: Yes, Dad, I got it. Now can I go play with my friend? Where'd he go?

Reese: I just heard a whole bunch of kids from our school are going to stay overnight at that old abandoned house on Spires Road.
Malcolm: No one told me. Big shock.
Reese: I say we go there tonight and scare the crap out of them.
Malcolm: We're going to scare them for being jealous of us?
Reese: No, we're going to scare them for being jerks.
Malcolm: All right, yeah. Let's do it.
Reese: They think they can be jerks to us? We'll show them what jerks are.

Hal: Dewey! You get your butt in here right now, Mister!
Dewey: Dad, what is wrong with you? You can't go screaming in the house when Chad's here.
Hal: I am the parent in this house, and you do what I say! Now when I tell you there is no pizza in this house, there's no pizza! That is the law!
Dewey: Dad.
Hal: Don't you "Dad" me. You already "Dad-ed" me good with this sleepover.
Dewey: You know what? Sometimes if you're just being bigoted and unreasonable, maybe I don't have to listen to you.
Hal: You better listen to me. I am your father and you will respect-
Pizza Delivery Guy: Hey, you know what? This was supposed to go to 12336. I bet you feel like a jackass.

Hal: I have something to tell you.
Lois: Hal, it will have to wait. I wasted a half an hour getting Jamie to sleep. He kept crying because I wouldn't let him have the antifreeze bottle in bed with him.
Hal: Lois, this is important. I was trying to spare you the embarrassment, but you should probably know. Dewey actually asked me first about the sleepover. And he went to you when I said no.
Lois: Oh, sorry.
Hal: What do you mean, "sorry"? Maybe you don't understand. He went around my back to get to you.
Lois: And this is a big upset for you? For God's sake, Hal, they go behind my back to get to you all the time.
Hal: That is very different. You are the hard ass. I'm the nice, fair one. Dewey knows that. Why would he betray me?
Lois: Hal, I cannot get worked up about this right now. I have to find that warranty or the blender company wins. Is that what you want, Hal? Are you on their side?

Malcolm: We are going to scare the crap out of them. You know what? I don't feel sorry for them. They've got it coming.
Reese: They deserve every stained pair of underwear they're about to get. Hey, is my eye socket oozing enough?
Malcolm: It's perfect.
Reese: Okay, on the count of three we bust through the door. If one of them has a heart attack, you resuscitate them and I'll scare them again.