Hal: Of course we're terribly sorry about this and we realize that fences are there for a reason. However, in fairness, when we climbed the fence we weren't sure if we were going in or out. You wanna explain the theory, son?
Malcolm: Not really.
Major Hughes: This is a highly classified testing ground. And I could very easily detain the three of you indefinitely for national security reasons.
Reese: You know what nobody has mentioned? That this is supposed to be the greatest army in the world, and you couldn't even kill the three of us. I've got to tell you, I'm not impressed.
Malcolm: [to camera] Well, the great thing about this trip is, the next time I hear we can't afford to go on a vacation I think I'll be okay with it.

Reese: My foot is killing me.
Hal: Oh, let's be brave soldiers, boys. We might get there after dark but we've got plenty of water and we'll be okay.
Malcolm: Tell us the story again, Dad. Please.
Reese: Yeah, yeah.
Hal: Alright, one last time. Dewey is tied to a post in the burning sun. He's covered entirely in honey.
Reese: Even his eyes?
Hal: Even his eyes. Uh-oh, what's that behind him? A million fire ants! Hungry fire ants! With sharp little mandibles and itchy feet...

Lois: Craig's dropping off my pay checks so I asked him to bring in the mail. I didn't think I needed to cancel the Sunday paper. Someone is going to steal it anyway.
Hal: Sounds like we've got nothing to worry about for the next two days but having fun.
Malcolm: Mum, Dewey's gonna puke.
Hal: Geez, he's done that 4 times. I would think he'd be empty by now.
Lois: We're almost there, honey. Just keep your head in the bucket.
Hal: Just ten more minutes and we'll get to spend a weekend on a real Indian reservation.
Reese: Why do they have casinos?
Hal: I don't know, son. I just thank God they do.

Hal: This is nice.
Reese: I get the rollaway.
Dewey: I wanna sleep with Malcolm.
Reese: Cool, I get the big bed for myself.
Malcolm: Not fair. If you get the big bed you get Dewey.
Reese: That's not the way you called it, butthead.

[As the boys walk to the pool, Dewey is holding his nipples]
Malcolm: They don't do anything, they're just there...

Malcolm: Mom, they won't let us in the pool without an adult. What are we supposed to do?
Lois: [o.s.] I don't know. Use your imagination.
Reese: What? We're on vacation.
Lois: [o.s.] Hey, there's dirt out there, isn't there? And rocks and lizards and I think a saw an old tire on the parking lot. There are kids in the world with a lot less than an old tire to play with. So I don't want to hear another word about it.

Francis: [on the phone] Yeah, it's great being home. Catch me up, what's going on?
Joe: Well, we had Salisbury steak for dinner.
Francis: Yeah? With cream spinach?
Joe: Uh huh.
Francis: That's a great side dish. Now, I know they use celery salt and vinegar with that but is that oregano that I taste or tarragon?
Joe: Francis, I got to go.
Francis: Alright fine, put Finley on.
Joe: You already talked to him twice. Come on, we're playing pool and I'm up.
Francis: Ok ok, play your stupid game. I've got some serious partying to do here anyway.

Reese: Yes, I win again.
Dewey: No fair, my goalie doesn't have any legs.

Hal: Of course we're terribly sorry about this. But you have to believe that this was a momentary lack of judgment on my part. I realize now that using my son...
Man: Your underage son.
Hal: Yeah, my underage son, to count cards was wrong. I guess I was just trying to look for an activity that the two of us can do together. You know, it's a tough age.
Malcolm: Yeah, and this is really helping my self-esteem. You see, I'm not really good at sports and this made me feel... special.
Man: My son and I cook.
Hal: Uh, it's a good thought. We'll have to try that. In the meantime, you're banned from the casino.
Hal: Banned? Oh, no, no... you don't wanna do that. It just wouldn't go over so well with my wife.
Malcolm: Believe me, you don't wanna see her angry.
Man: I'm not banning her. Just you.
Hal: Okay, look. Let's just forget about the three grand I won, and just pretend it never happened? Capiche?
Man: It's very generous of you... [pockets money] You're still banned.
Hal: What? Oh, alright, then give me my money back.
Man: I'm sorry? What money?
Hal: Hey, look pal. [two security guards place their hands on Hal's shoulders] Who said anything about money?

Lois: I know what will cheer you up. Why don't we go gamble a little?
Hal: What, now? Where does it say that just because you're at a casino you have to gamble? I-I-I I'd rather spend some more time with my boys. [play wrestles Reese]
Reese: Oh stop it, Dad. Please stop.
Lois: Hal, you made me sit for eight hours in that car listening to your foolproof system for winning at Keno. Now you're telling me you don't want to gamble?
Hal: We are surrounded by the great outdoors, Lois. I was thinking we might all go for a hike. [opens balcony door; sand blows in face]
Lois: Okay, what have you done?
Hal: What do you mean?
Lois: Why are you avoiding the casino?
Hal: Well, sweetheart, we could sit here and I could tell you all about it and you might find it all very amusing. Or you could think about the fact that I'm offering to take the boys off your hands for the whole day.
Lois: Don't forget the sun block.