Malcolm: So, yesterday, in my gifted class - I'm not bragging that I'm gifted, but that's just what they call the class. We're studying Bovine Spongiform Encephalitis, it's a Mad Cow disease. It started because they were grinding up dead cows to feed them to the other cows. Basically the prions turn their brains into soup, right in their skulls. It's very similar to a disease that afflicted a tribe of cannibals, because they feasted on their victims' brains. [Patty is silent]

Reese: Hey, is his stick bigger than my stick?
Malcolm: I don't know. They're just sticks.
Reese: Yeah, but why does he get the better stick? I always get the crappy sticks! Why is everything of mine so lame? I never have anything nice! My life sucks!
Malcolm: [to Dewey] Give me that. [snaps Dewey's stick in half]
Dewey: [sobs]
Malcolm: [to camera] Sometimes, things just have a way of working out.

Reese: I don't see why we need a babysitter!
Malcolm: Yeah, Dad's convention is only for two days!
Reese: How can you not trust us? [off Lois's look] Well, it's still not fair!
Lois: I trust you to be on your own. The babysitter's not going to be here for two hours. Don't... do... anything.

Malcolm: [to camera] See what happens? We told her we didn't want a babysitter. And she didn't listen. Now someone innocent has to suffer.

Dewey: What's that?
Malcolm: It's the cesspool.
Dewey: We have a pool?
Malcolm: It's the sewage from the house. It flows into this pit, and it's decomposed by anaerobic bacteria.
Reese: Hurry up, it stinks!
[Reese and Malcolm put a layer of clingfilm over the open hole, lay a blanket down and then Malcolm puts a book, The Bridges of Madison County, down in the middle of the blanket.]
Reese: Nice.

Malcolm: [answers phone] Hello?
Francis: Malcolm, how's it going? Listen, I need you to do me a favor. There's two or three hundred fake IDs hidden behind the washing machine. Now, with Mom gone, it's safe to transfer them to the garage.

Malcolm: [to camera] What do you do when you've got an incredible woman in your bedroom?
Stevie: En...chan...te.
Malcolm: [to camera] It's the best I could come up with, given the parameters.
Patty: Well, it's great meeting you guys. Would you like anything? [the Krelboynes are silent]
Malcolm: They're fine.
Patty: Ok, well, have fun. [exits]
Eraserhead: She's a trophy babysitter.
Stevie: Tuck me... in.

Reese: What is wrong with you? How can you do this?
Malcolm: What are you talking about?
Reese: You invited them over here to gawk at Patty, like she's some piece of meat? Mom and Dad paid good money for her. She's ours!
Eraserhead: We're leaving.
Malcolm: He's not going to do anything with her in the house.
Dabney: Wow, she's like kryptonite.
Lloyd: So, this is Reese's blankie? It's darling.
Reese: I guess, suddenly there's no such thing as tomorrow.
Lloyd: [takes out wallet] All I have are singles.

Reese: Hey, Patty. I have a trick for you. What's your address?
Patty: Oh, 531 North Canton.
Reese: What's your favorite color?
Patty: Um, I don't know. Blue, I guess.
Reese: Mine too. [burps:] Hello, I'm Patty Henderson. I'm from North Canton, and my favorite color's blue. [chokes]

Dewey: Hi, guys.
Reese: All right, drop the cute stuff.
Dewey: What cute stuff?
Reese: You, standing there with your big eyes and your dopey voice. I have to resist hugging you myself.