Lois: What? You can't sleep?
Hal: No, I have this terrible feeling we've forgotten something. Let's see: trash, locks, lights... Oh, well, whatever it is, I'm sure it can wait until tomorrow morning.
[the next morning, Hal and Lois walk into the kitchen and find Dewey stood in a corner facing the wall:]
Hal: Oh, boy. Alright, son... Son, I think you've learned your lesson.
Dewey: Ok. Thanks, Dad.
Hal: We've got to stop doing this.

Francis: I can't believe this. I bought my own bus ticket home to spend the whole weekend with you.
Craig: I hear you. It's a shame you had to spend your own money. I discovered a way you can travel for free through the Internet.
Francis: What? Hacking into the airline's reservation system?
Craig: No, that's illegal. I go to a chat room and pretend to be a really hot 18-year-old girl. I'm Debbie. Blond, naive and I love to wear sundresses. Right now I'm having a lot of problems at home. Dad's so mean. I'm going through all these changes. All these strange new feelings. He just doesn't under...
Francis: The free travel?
Craig: Right. Debbie goes to this chat room. She gets really friendly with some lonely guy. Before long he's willing to pay for a visit. Right now I'm sitting on a ticket to Tampa. But I make sure he buys Debbie full fare coach with no restriction. She may look good in thong, but she's no dummy.
Francis: Sweet.

Craig: M, Z, R, Y, C... Nice try. What's that supposed to mean?
Francis: Mzryc. It's another military term. You know, the helmets that horses wear.
Craig: Oh, right, right, right. This is nice. Hanging out on a Saturday, playing Scrabble, couple of guys relaxing. So your folks get along okay?
Francis: What?
Craig: Nothing. Here we go. Read it and weep.
Francis: C, A, T. Hey, that's two "cat"s for you, that's great.
Craig: Just playing the tiles I'm dealt. So, uh, you pick up any bad vibes here on the home front, you let me know, right?
Francis: Why?
Craig: Hey, take it easy cowboy, just making small talk.
Francis: Okay, I guess they're doing fine.
Craig: She's a strong little lady that mother of yours. Sure, we have our moments at work, but you can't stay mad at this woman for long.
Francis: You don't have to live with her.
Craig: Maybe you just don't understand her.
Francis: What's to understand? She's a total control freak.
Craig: Maybe she doesn't get the support she needs here at home.
Francis: Well, I wouldn't know since she sent me to military school.
Craig: Because you're a spoiled brat. And I'm pretty sure that mzryc ends in a K.

Reese: Hey, Dad, how did you do?
Hal: Well, you know Black Jack is a complicated game. You have your ups and your downs. So, who wants to buy me a Coke?
Malcolm: It's too bad you had to quit, Dad. That shoe is full of tens.
Hal: Huh?
Malcolm: Tens, face cards. Okay, there are six decks. They already played out eighteen 9s, 14 8s, 12 7s, but only 2 10s. A king of spades and a queen of diamonds which leaves... Well, you can do the maths.
Hal: No, but you can. And that's all that matters, my little genius.

Hal: I tell you, I'm not that impressed with this place. They call that a breakfast buffet? Not a tangelo to be found.
Lois: What are you talking about? Didn't you see that teepee made entirely of sausage? It's incredible.
Reese: I am going to die. Why didn't anyone stop me?
Malcolm: [to camera] In our family, we take the phrase "all you can eat" as a personal challenge.

Both: What are you doing here?
Craig: Shouldn't you be in military school?
Francis: Shouldn't you not be in my father's robe?
Craig: That is neither here nor there. You are in big trouble, my friend.
Francis: I'm in trouble?
Craig: Yes, big trouble. I'm telling your mother.
Francis: No. I'm telling my mother. [both sit down]
Craig: That's my toast.
Francis: We'll split it.

Attendant: Wow, look at that. You have won our champagne dreams package for two. An entire day of his and her spa treatment followed by an evening with dinner and dancing.
Lois: Well, that's just perfect. My husband's out on a hike and we're leaving tomorrow.
Attendant: Relax, lady. It's good for six months.
Lois: Six months? I had to work six months all overtime in a crummy drugstore just to pay for this trip. Have you ever had to recommend a hemorrhoid cream to a complete stranger?
Attendant: Do you want the prize or not?

Masseuse: You carry a lot of tension in your shoulders.
Dewey: Tell me about it.

Malcolm: That's not good. Cougars just don't blow up.
Reese: As near as I can figure, I did it with my mind.
Malcolm: Reese, that's insane.
Reese: I wouldn't talk to me like that if I were you.
Hal: Okay, there must be some explanation. Okay, it could have been caused by a blasting cap left by a miner, although the explosion was much too big. Perhaps the cougar ate some dynamite. Oh, that's ridiculous. Or maybe- Maybe it's just a mirage, although a mirage usually doesn't end up all over your shoes. Which leads me back to the Reese thing.
Reese: I accept your apology.

Lois: Oh, that feels so good. I mean you read about celebrities going to spas and enjoy these kinds of treatments, but you marry young, you start spitting out kids, you can kiss that kind of thing goodbye. [to Dewey] Don't eat the cucumber slices, honey.
Dewey: Ok.