Fran: When your milk duct is blocked, it's called mastitis. It's important that you let your baby suck the obstruction out of the breast, and don't be alarmed if the baby then vomits up a cottage cheese-type substance. Now, join me over here...
Dewey: Like I needed another reason to hate cottage cheese.
Reese: I've been kind of zoning in and out here, but did she just say milk comes out of those things?
Malcolm: Reese, that's what they're for.
Reese: My God! Women are the cows of people!

Reese: We are the worst kids in the world. Mom was right.
Dewey: We really are evil little trolls who have absolutely no consideration for anything but ourselves, and destroy everything we come in contact with, and we're lucky if we don't end up in prison or dead.

Craig: Knock, knock. Lois, I need to borrow a coat hanger. I dropped my sandwich underneath my car seat. [Lois groans] What's going on here?
Piama: Lois is in labor, and Hal's not here. [Lois whimpers]
Craig: I have dreamed of this moment! Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to carry you in my arms to my van. I have one of the three original sirens from Starsky and Hutch. I can make that trip in seven minutes flat.
Steve: You're talking crazy! There were only two sirens used in that entire series, and they're both in the Smithsonian.
Craig: Au contraire. There were four sirens.