[the year 2024:]
Curtis: I'm sorry, did I hear you talking about The Wedding Bride?
Ted: Oh, God.
Curtis: The movie or the smash Broadway musical?
Ted: Smash? Oh, oh. Oh, I guess a show's a smash now if it closes after only 96 weeks.
The Mother: So my husband's ex-fiancee's husband wrote the screenplay for The Wedding Bride. Jed Mosely was based on Ted.
Ted: Okay, Jed was not based on me.
[movie scene:]
Jed Mosely: Hey, that is not a toy, you ragamuffin! That is an authentic flail I won at the renaissance faire.
[back:]
Ted: Entirely.

Barney: The only question is, which of these other suits do I pick? There are so many great ones to choose from.
Ted: Well, how about this one?
Barney: Yes, yes, that's the one. Oh, hey, quick question, is it weird to get married in a suit that you may have worn while banging a female rodeo clown? I know what you're wondering. Yes, the carpet matched the drapes.
Ted: Of course that's weird, every part of it is. Uh, what about this suit?
Barney: Ha, ha. Let's just say I stuffed a lot of bunnies in that suit.
Ted: Barney, do you have to phrase it that way?
Barney: Actual bunnies, Ted. This is my magic suit. Get your mind out of the gutter. Though I did once wear it to the Playboy holiday party and, uh... Ha, ha, let's just say I stuffed a lot of bunnies in that suit.

[the year 2024:]
Ted: I've told you this one before.
The Mother: A few times.
Ted: Oh. I'm just a boring old man who won't stop spinning yarns.
The Mother: Oh, hey, I love your yarns. I hope you never stop spinning them.
Ted: But?
The Mother: You're the love of my life, pooh bear. I just worry about you. I don't want you to be the guy who lives in his stories. Life only moves forward.

[the year 2024:]
Ted: So, what happens next? With Lily and the wedding dress, I mean.
The Mother: Well, she brought the dress so she and Marshall could get new wedding photos taken, because, in yet another story I know...
[flashback to Marshall shaving his head on his wedding day]
The Mother: What space would I have in my brain for other things if I didn't know all this? Ah, probably just state birds or some crap. Heh.

Lily: Okay, look, I know this is your wedding, but this is a big moment for all of us. This may be the last time we're all hanging out together for who knows how long. I mean, tomorrow morning, Ted's leaving for Chicag... Oh, boy.
Ted: Lily. Wait. You already know. You already know. You're married to Lily, which means...
Marshall: She pocket-texted me while you were telling her.
Ted: So, everybody knows I'm moving to Chicago tomorrow.
Robin: Lily's right. We don't know the next time that we'll all be together.
[the year 2024:]
Ted: And then, I think, it hit all of us: We didn't know the next time we'd be together. This was it. And it's funny. In a moment like that, when what's really happening is too intense to deal with, sometimes it's best...
The Mother: To leave it unspoken and just enjoy each other's company instead.

[the year 2024:]
Ted: And that's the story. Right down to the surprise ending.
The Mother: Is it really such a surprise? I mean, come on. Of course she showed up. What mother is gonna miss her daughter's wedding? [Ted gets emotional] Oh, hey. No, come on.
Ted: [sobbing] It's okay, I'm fine. I'm okay.
The Mother: Did Barney really wear a scuba suit into the bar?
Ted: I've told you that story a million times.
The Mother: Yeah, but where did Barney get the scuba suit?
Ted: He stole it.
The Mother: What?
Ted: Yeah. I can't believe I forgot that. He walked right into this sporting goods store, tried on a scuba suit, walked right out the door. He walked all the way home in it, like 20 blocks. [both laugh[ Guy in a scuba suit,
just walking down Broadway.
The Mother: He should be in prison.
Ted: Well, yeah, for lots of reasons.

Barney: [o.s.] God, you're gorgeous. I can't wait to be inside you.
Ted: [knocks] Barney, get out here. This is your wedding day.
[Barney pulls Ted into the room which is filled with racks of suits]
Ted: Where is she?
Barney: Who?
Ted: Look, I just grossly overpaid for some information about this room, so I know it's accurate. This room belongs to Susan Tupp.
Barney: Who?
Ted: Susan Tupp.
Barney: Who?
Ted: Sue Tupp. Suit up.
Barney: I'm trying to!

[the year 2024:]
The Mother: Thank you for bringing me here. I am so glad we made it. That snowstorm was getting really bad.
Ted: Wait. You think this is a snowstorm? This is nothing. I'll tell you about a snowstorm. It was winter break, freshman year of college. Marshall and I were roommates but we weren't friends...
The Mother: Wait. Stop. You've told me this one before.
Ted: I have? When?
The Mother: Uh, let's see, it was all the time.
Ted: Really?
The Mother: You and Marshall drove back to school, "500 Miles" played on a loop. You took a back road, ran out of gas, got stuck in a snowstorm, spooned to stay warm... At least, that's your story. And at the end of it, you were best friends.
Ted: Okay, okay, that's fine. Because guess what. That wasn't even the worst snowstorm ever. It was 2008, Barney and l...
The Mother: Took over the bar, met the Arizona Tech marching band... Go Hens. And they played "Auld Lang Syne" when Marshall picked up Lily at the airport.
Ted: Okay, have I told you about the time that Marshall...?
The Mother: Tried to put Christmas lights on Lily's grandparents' house and the little ragamuffin from next door
left him stranded on the roof.
Ted: Did Lily tell you that one?
The Mother: Yeah. Lily used the word "ragamuffin."

[After Ted sees Barney sneaking into a room:]
Ted: Uh, can you tell me the name of the guest staying in Room 9?
Curtis: I'm sorry, that would violate hotel privacy policy.
Ted: Well, maybe my old friend Mr. Lincoln can emancipate that information.
Curtis: I'm so sorry, I wasn't clear. I can't violate our hotel privacy policy... for five dollars. Something with a two on it is fine.
Ted: Those are super rare and mine is kind of lucky.
Curtis: Just give me a 20, Mr. Mosby. That room belongs to a Ms. Susan Tupp.
Ted: Oh, boy.

Lily: And this is a picture of the restaurant where you and Barney had your first date. And now you're getting married. And this is the receipt from the meal you and Barney ate at that restaurant on your first date. And now you're getting married.
Robin: Can we look at this later?
Lily: Later? There is no later. Robin, this is a day you only get to do once. You need to appreciate the importance of it right now.
Robin: Oh, my God. How did I only just now realize this? Dude, this hotel has The Wedding Bride 2 on pay-per-view. Score. This is the best day of my life!